Sunday, December 27, 2009

Messy Spirituality

I am so glad to be done with this semester. Not only does it mean I only have on more semester to go before finally finishing my undergraduate degree, but it also means a fresh start. I began this school year following a break-up of a semi-long term relationship (not my longest but still enough to actually be hurt enough when it ended) and in a huge mess spiritually, which is rather ironic considering I spent the majority of my summer attending a church retreat program. I guess after breaking up with A., we had a few conversations which were hurtful but revealing to who I am as a person. His main complaint with me was that I never opened up, never trusted him in our relationship. Now that I've had some time to reflect on that I realize that he was right in many ways, but that I did have good reasons for not opening up to him completely.

Anyways, that is in the past and not really important. After Leadership Training ended, I went home for a few weeks, hurting and angry with God. I had prayed for a long time that God would send a spiritually fulfilling relationship where we could both grow together, and before I started dating A. I feel like I prayed about it A TON and God gave the green light. So I was wondering why God had given me this relationship that was just overall not beneficial to either of us. Although I was angry with God, I still turned to him for comfort and waited to feel his presence, but I never did. Maybe I wasn't hearing him because he wasn't saying what I wanted, maybe I was pretending to be open and vulnerable but I was really being selfish, wanting to hurt on my own instead of really offering myself up and letting go of my anger. I don't really know...

After about a month of waiting and feeling neglected I returned to school and felt more bombarded spiritually then ever before. I felt that after finishing LT everyone expected me to take up leadership roles in the church, but I didn't feel like I was in a good place to be leading or directing anyone. I wasn't even sure if God was there anymore. I tried desperately to be ok with seeing A. everywhere and even tried to hang out with him and be "friends". All of that changed though when my grandfather passed away in October. He tried to be supportive but it just made me want him to be there for me in ways he couldn't be anymore, and so I told him I needed my space for awhile.

I remember the night my grandpa died sitting in bed with my grandmother, reading her Psalms and wanting to believe in all the promises of comfort and redemption but wondering to myself what the words really meant and if I could trust them. I remember sitting in the funeral home while people came up and said, "Don't worry, he's in a better place now" and not knowing if that was true. I knew he was a believer, but I couldn't even believe a place like heaven existed, and even if it did if I wanted my grandfather to be with a callous, unresponsive God like the one I was experiencing. I remember standing in the prayer annex off the church while his ashes sat in the sanctuary, the pastor praying that God would give our family comfort, the words sounding hollow in my ears.

After that I just cut myself off spiritually. I was angry, I felt alone, and when I talked to some people about it they told me I was being childish and selfish, which just made me more angry. So I quit going to church, small group, everything that reminded me of A., my grandfather, the pain, and mostly the rejection I was feeling from God. I convinced myself God is what people turn to when they can't rely on themselves, and from now on I was going to rely on myself and if I failed then that was that. No need praying to an invisible deity who may or may not be there.

I was getting really good at ignoring my emotions. Occasionally though they would come out, while having dinner with my friend Jack or talking with some of the women who were on staff with New Life. But I would remind myself later that there was no point being a baby about it. I was on my own now, and I couldn't waste time feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday night I went to church for the first time since my grandfather's funeral. It was the same church we had the funeral service at, and so it was already hard for me to be there. I felt the emotions coming so I just shut down. I closed my eyes and started to breathe and I regained composure. We sang some Christmas songs and then the Deacon started to deliver the message. I zoned out and started to look around the old church. I've always been mesmerized by the ceiling, because it's a weird square-ish shaped building but the cross-beams are uneven so it looks like a cross. I remember going to this church as a kid and spending the whole time looking at the ceiling, counting the wooden panels and trying to figure out why the room was shaped so oddly. I've had many life-changing experiences in this church, many I remember and many I don't. I was here when my parents were married (I wasn't yet born though..) and for my baptism (and my sister's, and my brother's.) It was in the fellowship room that we had a 70th birthday party for my grandfather. I was here the previous summer when my parents renewed their vows after a 9 month separation. So many memories tied to this church, it seemed inevitable that I would keep returning here again and again.

I stopped staring at the ceiling and closed my eyes again, out of tiredness but also because my mind was working too fast for me to keep up. I kept replaying this semester in my head, trying to figure out how I had become the girl who was sitting here now, emotionally detached and angry with God and my life. It would take to long to write out everything I was attempting to process but essentially I realized this:

My inability to trust the people in my life has prevented me from trusting God. Not just because I don't believe he will do what is right, but also because I am afraid he will disappoint me, because I have felt disappointed by him. Yet my perspective on life is so short-sighted, that I can not know if these disappointments are really blessing in disguise. Or if I can even be sure in what it is that I want, because I am even changing my own mind every second of every day.

I'm not saying I've figured out how to trust God. I don't know if any of us really ever do. But at least I'm one step closer to figuring it all out, or at least inasmuch as the human mind can ever attempt to understand God and the purpose of our lives.





Monday, October 26, 2009

My life as a Supermassive Black Hole.

Midterms are almost over, and I have resolved that for the rest of the semester I am going to stay on top of my reading assignments so I don't end up reading them all the night before my exam. I'm almost positive I failed my midterm for my 100 level class, which will be difficult to explain to law school admission programs...

My last Letter of Recommendation should be coming in this Friday and then I can start sending out applications. So far I have received application fee waivers from everywhere but Yale, but I wasn't really expecting one from them. Heck, I really doubt I will even get in but my mother insisted that I should apply and so I will.

I'm really not sure if I want to go to law school or not yet, and I worry that sending in all of my applications will make it that much harder to say no if they offer me a great admissions package. But I can't reconcile this part of me that has always wanted to become a writer. My favorite class at U-M was my creative writing workshop, and ever since I was a young girl I would write short stories and poems in my free time. A part of me wants to be a powerful attorney and crack down on sex-trafficking and unfair labor practices, but another part of me knows I will regret not pursuing writing.

I guess for now I've just decided to turn in all of my applications and see what happens, and start hardcore praying for guidance on what to do about all of this. I'm also thinking about doing NaNoWriMo to see how I fare with writing an entire novel in one month. I'm a little worried because I am already struggling to keep up with classes this semester, but I guess my senioritis is preventing me from caring too much. Also, it's possible I could submit a part of the novel in to the creative writing department to see if I could get into the upper-level workshop next semester.

For now though, I'm trying not to let schoolwork/RA stuff / applications / life decisions suck me in to a supermassive black hole...


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Caroline

She played it hard and yes she played it rough
Made her feel safe and it made her feel tough
And rock by rock she built those walls everyday
Built herself a tower so far away
And from up high in that castle
She knew no one could get too close to touch
And if life and death were such a game
Why did they all make such a fuss?
And if birds could fly high over their troubles
She gonna find some of her own wings and fly
And no one could convince or pay her double
Or tell her she was too young to die

Oh Caroline, Caroline

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Stay Happy

I've been trying this new thing where I go a whole day without being negative. It's sort of working, except when I get around people who know me well enough to know that I'm just faking it and then I end up confessing that I'm conducting an experiment...

The idea came to me from a friend over coffee last week. We were discussing different Chinese philosophies, which inevitably lead to the discussion of Confucius. My friend noticed that I seemed to dwell a lot on all the negative things that were going on (being over-worked, not enough sleep, crumbling friendships, stress over the law school application process &c.) instead of feeling excited about life. "What you believe internally will be manifested externally", is a Confucian idea that my friend revealed to me that morning. And since then I have been trying to maintain a more positive outlook.

The problem is I seem to be stuck in a rut. I'm running the treadmill of going to classes, training for my 10-k, completing apps, and hanging out with the same people I've hung out with all of college. Not that any of this is bad, but its just so predictable that even I'M not excited about my life anymore.

So I've given myself a challenge to do at least one new thing a week. I'm tossing around the idea of blowing off this weekend's homecoming game and taking a trip to Canada for the day, or going to the Run Woodstock event in Pickney that I wanted to do but no one else was really up for. All I know is that I'm 21 years old and free to do whatever I want to do in life and I'm playing it safe. I don't want to wake up some day and regret not doing all the things I could have done now.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"It was Colonel Mustard with the Percoset in the Cabin..."

This past weekend my parents went to Gatlinburg for their anniversary. Unfortunately, their cabin was broken into and they lost all of their prescription medicine as well as their laptops and ipods. They filed a police report and today the pharmacy called us to let us know that someone had been pulled over and caught with the prescription for Percoset in their car (a leftover from my brother's recent oral surgery)and a bag with my mom's bathing suit. This, after spending all afternoon buying insurance to protect our entire family from identity theft since our recent tax documents were on their laptops.

After receiving the news, we decided to go to the local Mexican restaurant, La Plaza, for my mom's birthday. We were going to tell the waiter it was my mom's birthday but she told us not to, because then they would put a giant sombrero on her head and shove flan in her face. After everything else she had been through in the past 24 hours, she could not handle having flan shoved in her face to a rousing round of "Feliz Cumpleanos" so we decided not to tell the waiter.

Halfway into dinner, (and 3 margaritas after the fact) my mother starts discussing the robbery:

Mom:
"Now I'm no deductive, but I think it was an inside job"
Lauren (My sister): "Uhh... you mean detective?"
Mom: "That's what I said! Now I think what happened was the cleaning lady told Colonel Mustard about the extra Percoset. Then he told the Maintenance Man so he could break in the door. And then he took all the drugs."
Me: " Colonel Mustard? What is this, CLUE?"
Mom: "Yea well I hope that asshole took all my estro-pills on accident and grew some man-boobs. Then maybe he can run around wearing my bathing suit in prison. Now where is our waiter? I gotta get out of here. I want ice cream. But I don't want to wear no damn sombrero"
Me: "Hey wait! I think I hear them singing! I think Dad told them!"
Mom: " Get outta my way, I don't want to be here!" (stiff-arms me out of the bench and takes of running to the car)

It was hilarious. One day, I plan on writing an entire book on my family. I'll be the next David Sedaris and I'll get to appear on daytime shows like Oprah and Ellen.

Breakable

I love love LOVE this song.


"Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson


Have you ever thought about
What protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones
And some other various parts

So it's fairly simple
To cut right through the mess
And to stop the muscle
That makes us confess

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable
Girls and boys

And you fasten my seatbelt
Because it is the law
In your two-ton death trap
I finally saw
A piece of love in your face
That bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places
I'll never forget

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable
Girls and boys

Sunday, August 16, 2009

No Rhyme, No Reason.

Today Lauren and I decided to clean out our closet (which is more like an extra bedroom than a closet) and I found a box full of journals and half-finished stories from high school. It's actually kind of interesting to see some of the common themes in my writing during that time in my life. Most of it was about relationships I had with my friends, boyfriends, and family members. One of the best things I found (which was actually something I had been looking for for awhile) was a book of poetry I had started writing in during my sophomore year of high school. Some of it is really really bad... I am almost embarrassed to say I wrote it, although I suppose I can just say it was a rough draft. There were a couple of good ones that I thought I would share here for posterity's sake.



"Censored"
[5.23.2007]

Sometimes the thoughts in my head
Manage to make their way out
Before reason gets a chance to censor them
It seems as if I am suffering
From some type of verbal incontinence.

Although I suppose now would be the appropriate time
If there ever was such a designated time or situation
In which one would be allowed to be
vulnerable
defenseless
exposed.

Maybe I could wear a surgeon's mask
That would filter all the words I said
As they made their way out of my mouth
It would capture the rogue words
Better left to the confines of my subconscious
Letting the rest slip through,
Slightly indiscernible
But at least not emotionally jarring...

Then I could talk to you again
Without feeling like such a fool.





"Addicted"
[9.29.2004]

I'll never be what you want
Even though I try my hardest
My heart pumping a million beats
And all I want is to know
That I'm good enough

Countless hours refining my skills
Going out of my way to do what you want
I don't know why I stay here
And allow myself to sink further

Some are addicted to drugs,
Others to money,
But I am addicted to the painful submission
Of earning your respect.





"Photograph"
[11.04.2005]

I develop all of my responses
In sepia tones
But you don't see it
You've only seen black and white
Never the confusing chromatic shades
That I know so well.

Whenever I look at this photograph of us
It is like seeing a negative
Everything that was once dark is now light
And now I understand,

It was never about me.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Careless Whisper

My brother shared this new cover done by Seether of the 1984 George Michael's song "Careless Whisper". At first I was a little disappointed - I've been waiting for a new Seether album to come out for awhile & this is the first single they release? Since then, though, it has definitely grown on me. Some of my favorite lines:

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose the crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

I've always thought it was best to tell someone the truth, unless it would unnecessarily cause them pain. For example, I would never tell a girlfriend that she looked bad in a dress if she was dressed for a special occasion, because it would only make her more self-conscious. (Now, if I was going shopping with them before hand I would let them know the truth so they didn't make a bad purchase) But that's a very simple example.

I think people should tell the truth, but it is interesting how sometimes the things we want to say to the people we care about most are rather careless. There has been several times when I have had to restrain myself from telling people the things I think are true about them ("you are selfish", "you need to grow up and quit living off your parents", "you need to quit using others") but that I never say. What's the point. As the song suggests, "Ignorance is kind".

Opinions and Criticisms welcome. =]

Monday, August 10, 2009

Reflections on Shopping at Salvation Army.

I am a denim addict. I had over 20 pairs of blue jeans and to make room in my closet I took about 13 of those pairs to Salvation Army. And what do after I drop off my donation? Oh yea, I went to the racks of jeans to see if I could find some nice jeans for under $10 (which I did) It's truly pathetic.

While I was poring over the hundreds of pairs of jeans, analyzing pocket details and then seeing if they would fit, I realized that some of the jeans at Salvation Army definitely belonged in a salvage heap. I mean really, who donates jeans with a hole in the crotch of the pants? Or covered in grease? Or in some weird goop from who knows where?

Which brings me to my next thought after that... who donates underwear to Salvation Army? I spent a good long time wondering who actually bought said underwear but now I am curious how it even gets there in the first place. I personally would be creeped out if I knew someone out there was wearing an old pair of my underwear... gross.

The best purchase I made today by far was a Discman for $2.00!! It's even dec-ed out with some sweet stickers that say "GIRLS RULE!". Love it. Now I can have music for my long drive home to Tennessee. I don't have that many CD's but I borrowed some of my grandparents old country CDs so I can get in the southern mood before I make it home tomorrow night. I just wish I hadn't packed away my cowboy boots in storage...

Final Note: I am on the last few chapters of "The Shack" by William Young but I dont want to finish it because it's sort of over the top. The idea that everyone has their own light colors and it envelopes people they are in relationship with... REALLY?! Not that it couldnt be true but it just seems a little hokey-ish to me.

I don't really know why I wrote this except that I am bored...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Growth

Today I was going through some old boxes of stuff in my grandparent's basement in the hope that I could minimize some of my crap before returning to school in the fall. My room next year is going to be about half of the size as my room last year so I really need to get rid of extra books/clothes/etc. As I was stumbling around in the dark (the light fixtures in the basement are circa 1950-something and the light bulbs are all burned out) I found my old journal from freshman year of college. I was reading through the some of the old entries and my heart ached for the broken and confused girl I use to be.


"I feel as if I am trapped here inside myself. There is a fire burning inside me, fueled by the anger, resentment, and loneliness that are my constant companions." [12.12.06]



"I know this holiday is suppose to be about Jesus' birth, but I just feel empty. I wish I could be like everyone else and just BELIEVE but something always holds me back. Rationality and doubt I suppose. I just don't understand how God is understood so differently by everyone. Some people say gays go to hell but murderers can still be forgiven. How does that work? And what about Muslims and Jews? Don't we believe in the same God? The problem with just believing in science though is that there is still an emptiness inside me that can't be explained. I want to try to understand. I don't want to be confused for my whole life. I want to know what is true. This morning on the news the reporter was asking people where they would like to see peace in the world and one man said "within myself" and I whole-heartedly agreed." [12.25.06]



"I stopped putting my faith in God and instead subscribed to a faith rooted in science. Then I thought that maybe God didn't exist at all - that he was just created by world governments in order to control humankind. After deciding God must be a fabrication, then sin must also be a fabrication in order to keep people in line. So I began to do all the things I had always condemned others for doing. But if sin is just a fabrication, why do I feel so guilty? I think deep down I know the reason but I don't want to believe it's true. Because if I believe God exists then I have to give up everything." [07.17.07]



"I went to a bible study today.. I always have a hard time with religion and today was no exception. I feel like the New Testament is overly preachy - a checklist of things I must do in order to be the "perfect Christian". Does such a thing even really exist??"[10.03.07]


My journey to where I am now has definitely been an interesting one. For the first time this summer I realized the message I had been missing as a Christian was one of GRACE. I always felt as if God was abandoning me and judging me for the things I had done. Looking back now I realize I was rejecting him. I didn't want His grace - I wanted to try to earn my own salvation. No wonder I felt alone and frustrated. Leadership Training has definitely helped change this outlook for me, and I am so thankful that God used the opportunity to show me how He loves me persistently and unconditionally. I no longer have to fear being alone. =)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Personal Statement!

My brain feels so out of shape. The 3+months of summer vacation have definitely encased my mind in what feels like a large cotton blanket and now I am having trouble shaking it off and getting started on my personal statement for law school.

The problem is, I've never been great at "defining" myself. I've had a pretty normal home-life, I make good grades, I did well on my LSAT, I've done the expected summer internship in D.C., and I've got great letters of recommendation. But none of that stuff really makes me "special". On the surface I just look like every other starry-eyed undergraduate applying to law school.

Sometimes I think it would be great to talk about my faith. It definitely has impacted me in that I have chosen to go on service trips and volunteer projects that I wouldn't have decided to do unless I had been involved with the church. And the reason I want to become a lawyer is so that I can help defend the poor and the defenseless, not because I want to make tons of money. The only caveat to talking about my faith, though, is that it may distance me from the reader, especially if they have a hard time relating to Christianity or make the assumption that I am close-minded because of my religion.

Maybe if I stare at the computer screen long enough though an idea will come to me.....

Monday, August 3, 2009

I Really Do...

hate this feeling.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Monday, June 1, 2009

LSAT in 7 Days & I'm freaking out...

I can't remember a time when one test had me going this insane. All of my co-workers, family members, friends, and my boyfriend are getting tired of hearing me panic over the LSAT. The problem is every time one of them tells me "Don't freak out" I just end up panic-ing even more. I know this is completely detrimental to my studying but I can't help it. I'm starting to worry I might have a mental breakdown before I even get to the test...

The problem isn't understanding the question types. When I'm not in a time-crunch I get them all right. But when I'm forced to answer the questions in 35 minutes or less I end up running out of time or not thinking through the answer choices fully because I'm trying to rush so I answer them all. Today I attempted to do Pacing sections which are small sections that you can do to time yourself and I'm still not finishing on time! The weird thing is right around the time of Final Exams I took a practice test and finished every section well before time with a 165. Now I'm scoring high 150s and low 160s. What the heck happened?

I could blame it all on my job, but let's not even get started on that. I'm working on setting some boundaries in my professional life right now to prevent me from becoming a work-aholic. We'll save that topic for another time. But the reality is my confidence is shaken and I'm not sure how to get it back. The second problem is that I really don't feel passionate about law school in itself; I just see it as a means to an end. Ideally I would be able to use my legal knowledge to help non-profit groups be more successful. I want to go to third-world countries and assist them with trade agreements so that they don't continue getting screwed over by larger countries who will take advantage of them. When it comes down to it, I just want to help people. But I can't ever get to that point if I can't accomplish the first step, which is simply to get admitted into a law school....

I'm starting to wonder if this is even what God has planned for me. I feel like if I was truly following God's will then it wouldn't feel like I was fighting so hard all the time to force the outcome I wanted. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to have to fight for it. I really don't know. I've been praying about it and asking for guidance but it seems like all I'm getting right now is the heavenly busy signal. And that is just making me question if the absence of any answer is a sign that I'm praying to a big empty whole in the sky...

So if you're reading this, I could really use your prayers, well-wishes, and encouragment to help get me through this next week. It's going to be challenging me physically, spiritually, and mentally!

Monday, April 6, 2009

First Quarter Reflection

For some reason today when I woke up, I was feeling heavily discouraged. It could be that the heavy blanket of snow that now covers Ann Arbor (I thought we were approaching summer? What happened?) or my cold-turning-into-bronchitis that's getting me down. But I think realistically it's that I'm feeling frustrated in achieving some of the goals I had made for myself at the beginning of the year.

FAILS:
(1) Maintaining a 3.7 GPA
(2) Staying in touch with old friends / family members
(3) Strengthening my relationship with God

I don't know why but this semester has been kicking me up and down since it started. My classes have a ridiculous amount of reading, and to top it all off they give it to us with 4 pages to one page, so the font is about this big or smaller. I think I'm quickly losing my vision. In addition, these classes are held in large lecture halls where no one knows each other, I don't talk to my professors, and the exams grade on nitty-gritty details instead of broader concepts. I would much rather write a 15-page paper, please. Not to mention, it's my first time taking math since HIGH SCHOOL, and while I always think I understand my stats homework, I somehow keep making B's on the exams... what gives?

I've also been terrible about keeping in touch with my old friends from home and last semester. I think most people on staff are avoiding me because I always seem busy (I am) or because I don't drink anymore. If it's the latter, I really won't feel to horrible about it. But in any case, I have to work with these people and I don't want them to think I don't like them, I'm just overwhelmed. I think my family is starting to see me as the phantom daughter who only calls when she needs something, but the fact of the matter is I only have time to do those things that are urgent. I know some of this is my fault, I could spend less time with A.M. or N.E., but usually even when I am with these two I am studying or running... not just bumming around.

And maybe all this busy-ness is what is affecting my relationship with God. Although it could be that in combination with my coursework that keeps throwing doubt on everything that I believe. At least the sermon at New Life the past couple of weeks have helped out in some of those areas, but I wish I had more time to really research this stuff on my own, time I probably won't have until summer.... If anyone has any good books or ideas on where to start let me know.

After I thought about all my shortcomings, I started to think that in many ways the reason why I am unsuccessful in some areas is because I am becoming more successful in others...

SUCCESS!
(1) Soberiety
(2) Budgeting
(3) Overall Physical Fitness

As for (1), I just want to say I was never an alcoholic by any means. In fact, I think my intake of alcohol was fairly minimal compared to most college students. But after thinking about it and wavering on it for awhile, I ultimately decided to give up alcohol completely. Now this has definitely not added to my friend-base.. if anything I've lost friends who now believe that I am "uncool" or "not fun" or a "prude". But the basic fact is I feel better (no more wasted days of studying do to a late night out) and I've saved money by not going out to the bars, which leads me to number (2)...

I am not a good budgeter. I like to buy tea, coffee, food, whatever. Mostly comfort items. But since I gave up coffee/caffiene for Lent I haven't had reason to go to Starbucks. A.M. has also helped with this because he discourages my extraneous spending =) For example, last week his fraternity had a semi-formal and I thought I needed to buy a dress and he convinced me not too. It turns out I had a dress that worked out fine, so I saved myself some money.

(3) has been the most challenging, but the most rewarding. Training for a half-marathon is no picnic. Starting out, I hated the days I had to run. Now I've started to look forward to them. Saturday A.M. and I went on a long run that was just under 10-miles and it was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, physically and mentally. And then around the 9.5 mile mark I dropped my form for a second and ended up tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, scratching up my elbows and knees. But instead of walking back I convinced A.M. I could run it back.. it hurt but I was proud that I didn't give up. And that's what all this running has been teaching me: I can keep going, I don't have to give up. I'm alot stronger than I used to believe, and that's definitely helped me build confidence in my own abilities to do things. Not to mention losing the extra winter weight has been an added incentive...

So maybe I'm not perfect in everything, but I am succeeding in some things. Whenever I found myself doing really well in school or with social areas I always found I was neglecting other areas of my life. Now I'm finding that while I'm not doing fantastic in any one area, my life seems to have reached a balance. And I think I can accept that.

=)

Friday, April 3, 2009

Late Night Chats

12:44 AM me: blah blah blah
i hate studying
come study with me
=D
12:45 AM N: i'm working on my bed
my throat really hurts
i don't feel like going anywhere
12:48 AM me: ok
sorry your throat hurts
are you going to UHS tomorrow?
12:49 AM N: yeah... i need to
me: alright well let me know if they say you have the strep
N: ok. :)
me: if you do, I might need to avoid you... for my own safety
N: yeah, its ok
me: cause I don't get the common kinds anymore
N: i understand
me: and i dont want to be on steroids again =) lol
12:50 AM N: haha
but i really wanted you to become a man
now, my life plans have been ruined
:(
what will i do?
me: Well, maybe we could tell Oprah our story
and she would pay for my sex-change operation
12:51 AM
me: but then I would have to go on Dr.Phil
because Alex would be traumatized
me: and then afterwards we would walk across the street to Jerry Springer's studio
and the three of us would have a throw-down
12:52 AM N: you are ridiculous. i thought i came up with weird things at night, but you are definitely top me tonight.
:P
me: this is all going on my blog,
just so you know...
then the world will be in on our secret
12:53 AM N: that i want you to get a sex change
do work!
you have an exam tomorrow
remember?
in less than 12 hours
work!
:P
12:54 AM me: sorry

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ann Arbor Adventurist - Day 1

As promised, I set off yesterday in search of adventure in my college town, Ann Arbor. There's this neat grocery store up in Kerrytown called People's Co-Op that I've been meaning to visit so that was the first step on this adventure.


I don't think I've seen so many organic products in my entire life. After making it past all the locally-grown fruit and vegetables, organic pasta, and trail mix I stumbled upon the hygiene section. Did you know that there are ORGANIC FEMININE PRODUCTS!? I was astounded. I did not however, take a photo. I didn't want to seem like a creep. I then found some Meatless Jerky that did sort of taste like beef jerky, and some Acai berry juice. I ended up buying the Jerky and Acai juice, along with some Michigan Gala apples. Only down side of buying locally-grown food in February - it's out of season and you tend to get the bottom of the barrel. I think next time I'll just buy the genetically modified food at Meijer.

After doing some light grocery shopping I walked next door to Cafe Verde and ordered an energy bomb juice drink. I think it is suppose to be fruity, because it had apples and oranges in it, but it also had carrots and ginger... so it tasted more like a vegetable juice drink. It was okay, but I don't think I'll ever order one again...



On the way back I stopped by a bookstore and talked to the owner about the joys and hardships of being a bookseller (especially in this struggling economy) and walked out with a Hardcover 35th Anniversary Edition of The Phantom Tollbooth for $4.00 (most listings have it priced at $25.00 if dust-jacket is present and in good condition). I haven't read this book since I was 8 but I remember thinking it was one of the best books I had ever read. I'm hoping I'll have sometime later this week to re-read it.



On my way back to the dorm, I noticed some new graffiti tags by Duck and Swallow. I started noticing their tags sometime back in September. I have no idea if it is one person or two person, but in my imagination Duck & Swallow are a renegade couple that run around Ann Arbor tagging things together as an expression of their love. This is probably not true, but it's a game of mine to notice when they tag something new. I'm not really sure when they did this one, because it was on a street that I don't walk on often, but I like it because there is a picture as well as the taggers signatures.



Another interesting I found was a house with a half address. I always assumed something like this could only be found in a Harry Potter novel, but apparently they really exist. I think it's an old frat-house but it didn't look like anyone lived there now.



I'm not sure where I will go for my next adventure. I spent today catching up on some phone calls and homework, but hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting. I'm thinking about doing a run out to Gallup Park so maybe I'll find a way to carry my camera with me I can snap some shots of the Huron River.

I hope everyone is having a great spring break, preferably somewhere warmer than here!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Spring Break solitude

So this must be what people trapped in Ann Arbor over spring break do to stay sane : blog in the Community Learning Center while a bunch of obnoxiously loud boys play Super Mario Smash Brothers on one of the jumbo screens. Ah well, it beats the dead silence of my room at the moment...

I'm having some mixed feelings about my break right now, mainly because they only thing I have to look forward to is the massive amount of homework I've let pile up during exam week and (possibly) a haircut on Monday. Other than that it's going to be fairly dull around here: the cafeteria is only open for weird hours, my shower is perpetually cold because I live on the fourth floor and it takes forever to pump up there, and all the restaurants in the Union close early. Sigh. At least tonight I was able to convince Phil to drive Eva and I to Qdoba for some yummy chips and queso =)

Some people just have a knack for adventure. Sometimes I find myself slightly jealous of Alex - it seems like he's always having adventures. Even when he's at home he's finding stuff to do. And now he's off climbing in Nevada. Don't get me wrong, I definitely daydream of doing things. I would love to travel to Greece, learn how to sail, and hike a big mountain. But all of these things involve traveling and gear, which also involve lots of money that I don't have. I'm going to try to come up with something fun to do this week though, even if it just involves sledding in the arb...

I hate my job. I really really hate my job. Mainly because I spend my time telling people to stop doing things that most normal people would not do i.e. pee in water fountains, run into windows, spray fire extinguishers, or play orange soda pong an a $1000 pool table. You would think at the nation's top public university that this would not be an issue. You would be mistaken. I feel like I've met more stupid people in college than outside of it.

I'll keep you all posted on all my spring break (mis)adventures. Hopefully something exciting will happen!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Poseidon & Amphitrite

We built a boat for two
Set sail across the great expanse
The lake was a depth of blue
And we watched the fish dance
Across her solid hull
We cut through the waves
Guided by the sea gulls
And the long stretch of caves
That sprung up from the coast
Until we found a sparkling shore
Providing us the most
Beach to explore
And in the shade of the groves
I whispered your name
It echoed through the coves
Coming back the same
You closed the distance between
Us in one swift motion
Everything that had gone unseen
Crashed over me in pure emotion
In our hearts there has begun
A growing love, strong and mighty,
For you are my Poseidon
And I, your Amphitrite.