Today I was going through some old boxes of stuff in my grandparent's basement in the hope that I could minimize some of my crap before returning to school in the fall. My room next year is going to be about half of the size as my room last year so I really need to get rid of extra books/clothes/etc. As I was stumbling around in the dark (the light fixtures in the basement are circa 1950-something and the light bulbs are all burned out) I found my old journal from freshman year of college. I was reading through the some of the old entries and my heart ached for the broken and confused girl I use to be.
"I feel as if I am trapped here inside myself. There is a fire burning inside me, fueled by the anger, resentment, and loneliness that are my constant companions." [12.12.06]
"I know this holiday is suppose to be about Jesus' birth, but I just feel empty. I wish I could be like everyone else and just BELIEVE but something always holds me back. Rationality and doubt I suppose. I just don't understand how God is understood so differently by everyone. Some people say gays go to hell but murderers can still be forgiven. How does that work? And what about Muslims and Jews? Don't we believe in the same God? The problem with just believing in science though is that there is still an emptiness inside me that can't be explained. I want to try to understand. I don't want to be confused for my whole life. I want to know what is true. This morning on the news the reporter was asking people where they would like to see peace in the world and one man said "within myself" and I whole-heartedly agreed." [12.25.06]
"I stopped putting my faith in God and instead subscribed to a faith rooted in science. Then I thought that maybe God didn't exist at all - that he was just created by world governments in order to control humankind. After deciding God must be a fabrication, then sin must also be a fabrication in order to keep people in line. So I began to do all the things I had always condemned others for doing. But if sin is just a fabrication, why do I feel so guilty? I think deep down I know the reason but I don't want to believe it's true. Because if I believe God exists then I have to give up everything." [07.17.07]
"I went to a bible study today.. I always have a hard time with religion and today was no exception. I feel like the New Testament is overly preachy - a checklist of things I must do in order to be the "perfect Christian". Does such a thing even really exist??"[10.03.07]
My journey to where I am now has definitely been an interesting one. For the first time this summer I realized the message I had been missing as a Christian was one of GRACE. I always felt as if God was abandoning me and judging me for the things I had done. Looking back now I realize I was rejecting him. I didn't want His grace - I wanted to try to earn my own salvation. No wonder I felt alone and frustrated. Leadership Training has definitely helped change this outlook for me, and I am so thankful that God used the opportunity to show me how He loves me persistently and unconditionally. I no longer have to fear being alone. =)
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