"It was Colonel Mustard with the Percoset in the Cabin..."

This past weekend my parents went to Gatlinburg for their anniversary. Unfortunately, their cabin was broken into and they lost all of their prescription medicine as well as their laptops and ipods. They filed a police report and today the pharmacy called us to let us know that someone had been pulled over and caught with the prescription for Percoset in their car (a leftover from my brother's recent oral surgery)and a bag with my mom's bathing suit. This, after spending all afternoon buying insurance to protect our entire family from identity theft since our recent tax documents were on their laptops.

After receiving the news, we decided to go to the local Mexican restaurant, La Plaza, for my mom's birthday. We were going to tell the waiter it was my mom's birthday but she told us not to, because then they would put a giant sombrero on her head and shove flan in her face. After everything else she had been through in the past 24 hours, she could not handle having flan shoved in her face to a rousing round of "Feliz Cumpleanos" so we decided not to tell the waiter.

Halfway into dinner, (and 3 margaritas after the fact) my mother starts discussing the robbery:

Mom: "Now I'm no deductive, but I think it was an inside job"
Lauren (My sister): "Uhh... you mean detective?"
Mom: "That's what I said! Now I think what happened was the cleaning lady told Colonel Mustard about the extra Percoset. Then he told the Maintenance Man so he could break in the door. And then he took all the drugs."
Me: " Colonel Mustard? What is this, CLUE?"
Mom: "Yea well I hope that asshole took all my estro-pills on accident and grew some man-boobs. Then maybe he can run around wearing my bathing suit in prison. Now where is our waiter? I gotta get out of here. I want ice cream. But I don't want to wear no damn sombrero"
Me: "Hey wait! I think I hear them singing! I think Dad told them!"
Mom: " Get outta my way, I don't want to be here!" (stiff-arms me out of the bench and takes of running to the car)

It was hilarious. One day, I plan on writing an entire book on my family. I'll be the next David Sedaris and I'll get to appear on daytime shows like Oprah and Ellen.