LSAT in 7 Days & I'm freaking out...

I can't remember a time when one test had me going this insane. All of my co-workers, family members, friends, and my boyfriend are getting tired of hearing me panic over the LSAT. The problem is every time one of them tells me "Don't freak out" I just end up panic-ing even more. I know this is completely detrimental to my studying but I can't help it. I'm starting to worry I might have a mental breakdown before I even get to the test...

The problem isn't understanding the question types. When I'm not in a time-crunch I get them all right. But when I'm forced to answer the questions in 35 minutes or less I end up running out of time or not thinking through the answer choices fully because I'm trying to rush so I answer them all. Today I attempted to do Pacing sections which are small sections that you can do to time yourself and I'm still not finishing on time! The weird thing is right around the time of Final Exams I took a practice test and finished every section well before time with a 165. Now I'm scoring high 150s and low 160s. What the heck happened?

I could blame it all on my job, but let's not even get started on that. I'm working on setting some boundaries in my professional life right now to prevent me from becoming a work-aholic. We'll save that topic for another time. But the reality is my confidence is shaken and I'm not sure how to get it back. The second problem is that I really don't feel passionate about law school in itself; I just see it as a means to an end. Ideally I would be able to use my legal knowledge to help non-profit groups be more successful. I want to go to third-world countries and assist them with trade agreements so that they don't continue getting screwed over by larger countries who will take advantage of them. When it comes down to it, I just want to help people. But I can't ever get to that point if I can't accomplish the first step, which is simply to get admitted into a law school....

I'm starting to wonder if this is even what God has planned for me. I feel like if I was truly following God's will then it wouldn't feel like I was fighting so hard all the time to force the outcome I wanted. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to have to fight for it. I really don't know. I've been praying about it and asking for guidance but it seems like all I'm getting right now is the heavenly busy signal. And that is just making me question if the absence of any answer is a sign that I'm praying to a big empty whole in the sky...

So if you're reading this, I could really use your prayers, well-wishes, and encouragment to help get me through this next week. It's going to be challenging me physically, spiritually, and mentally!

Reflections on D.C.

My PSIP coordinator sent everyone an email on how important it is to reflect on the experiences we are having during our internships in D.C, so this is my attempt at capturing two weeks of highs and lows.

I guess the first thing I need to talk about is my internship. I love the people in my office. They are all very helpful and fun people to be around. While I spend most of my time locked up in coalition meetings (where everything discussed is "off the record"), I am usually provided with breakfast or lunch. Considering I am living on limited funds right now, those free meals are amazing.

The one thing I don't like about me office is that I feel like I'm not really doing... anything. I mean besides attending the meetings, I typically just sit in my office and read newspapers (Roll Call, Politico, Washington Post, The Chronicle). Normally I wouldn't complain about having to do nothing, but the thing is I'm not getting paid. I am paying to be here in D.C. for a learning experience. And I feel like right now I am not learning anything. I'm not really sure how to ask them to give me more work.

So there is my reflection on my current job.

PSIP so far has been an interesting experience. I can say that I get along with everyone here but I feel like there are definitely some cliques already forming, between the people who work ON the Hill, and those who work for non-profits/think tanks/lobbying agencies. Everyone who works for congressmen seem to think they are the shit and no one else's job matters much. And for some reason unknown to me (and my roommate) there are girls on either side of our room that don't seem to like us very much. Haven't quite figured that one out.

I think the experience I am going to get the most out of isn't even going to be my internship. I think in some ways I am growing more in my relationship with God than I could have at LT. Here it is a struggle to stand up for what I believe in because I am not surrounded by my friends in Ann Arbor. I am constantly having to question why I believe something and how I am going to live out my faith or if I am going to be honest about what I believe. So while it's been difficult it's also been exciting to know that I WANT to do this because I think it's right, and not because I want to fit in with the crowd.

My friend Mike from New Life sent me a link to this church out here in DC (which is a lot like New Life). I went there last weekend and although it was kind of weird to go to church in a theater I really liked the service. I also joined a class on Theology and I am definitely excited to gain knowledge on the differences in Christian thought. I actually took this quiz, which theologian are you?, and the results were interesting. If you are reading this, take it and post what answer you got. I think it can tell a lot about what type of church you went to growing up (I got Martin Luther and Anselm).

So I guess, as a quick recap, I am still unsure of what I want to get out of this summer. Hopefully a good job review from my bosses, the chance to network with other interns, and to grow in my faith. Oh, and also to get a part-time job at Starbucks because I currently only have $40 to my name.

P.S. If you're reading this, I applaud you for making it through that entire stream of consciousness.

Fiscal Responsibility

In the past few weeks or so I have been racking up the credit cards, mostly because I had to buy several suits and other things to prepare for my internship in D.C. that starts next Tuesday. As a result, I've been learning how to pay bills (on time), calculate FICO scores (myFico.com offers a free 30-day trial that's been really helpful), and figure out how much money a month I spend on different things ($46.00 at Starbucks in May...)

Since I've started tracking my actual expenditures I've realized I have poor money management skills. I guess because growing up money just seemed like this invisible entity and I never really saw it, I just knew we used the AMEX card. Now that I actually have my own cards and I have to PAY the bills, it's starting to hit a little bit closer to home. I'm definitely feeling some pain right now, but thankfully my mother took pity on me and gave me some money to start off in D.C. I'm a pretty lucky kid that my parents can bale me out whenever I get in over my head and that I am getting a few years as a trial run before I get out of college and have to do this all myself.

I got a new phone today! It's the new Sprint Rumor phone by LG in White (although, Sarah and I decided it was more of a "pearl" color - I think we should tell the advertising companies to change the name.) Then I got a hot pink snap on cover, which is super girly according to Alex. I think though my favorite part is the slide out full QWERTY keyboard. I can finally send a text in under 5 minutes! INCREDIBLE!

Other than that not a whole lot is going on. I am excited and nervous at the same time for D.C. because I still need to find a part time job and I haven't heard from my job about how to get to work and what time to be there on Tuesday. But I think it will be fun and I am looking forward to being back with a small group.

I still need to make the "Stuff Liza Likes" blog. It's going to happen. Maybe in 20 minutes. Because I have nothing to do and I have a bad case of insomnia.

They Call Me The Intimidator

Alright, well not really. But they should.

Last night was our IM championship game in mini-soccer. We won and now are proud owners of the lovely baby blue championship t-shirt but in the process of said victory I accidentally broke the nose of a girl on the opposing team. If we had been losing I might have been slightly (although internally) rejoicing but since we were already up 8 points it seemed like I was just being a jerk. It was totally accidental though. It just seems that no matter who I am playing against in soccer, I always end up hurting someone. I like to attribute it to my big-girl build (hey, it's got to be good for something, right?)

I'm just now starting to hear back from D.C. offices on the status of my internships. So far I've been turned down by the National Legislative Archives and have an interview with the University of Michigan governmental office. I'm not sure what I will be doing there exactly but I am thinking it's a sure job since I am a UofM student and they love having students on staff. I'm still holding out for an internship with the congressional office I applied to, although I am thinking my chances are fairly slim.

Tonight at dinner I had an interesting conversation with Alex. Let's just say it ended with him drawing an anatomically incorrect labia with strawberry sauce on a napkin. Priceless, and somewhat disgusting at the same time.

Gypsy

I am sitting here waiting on my roomate from last year to give me a call so we can go out on the town for St.Patrick's day. Since last year I have definitely cut back on my partying ways but it seems that this weekend has been a little crazy. Last night I went bowling with some friends but afterwards I was in a weird mood so I met up with Sam and Yuan on Main Street where we had some dessert and martinis. I suppose they didn't card me because 1) I look over 21 and 2) If you're going to spend $16 on martinis then you deserve to be there. That was a pretty fun experience (fizzing pomegranate martinis are my new favorite drink, in case you want to buy me one for my real 21st) but afterwards I still didn't feel any better. Which lead to me to question why after almost an entire year at Michigan I still don't feel any better than I did at Drew. I mean, last year at this point my only thought was that once I was at Michigan life would be better. I would be happy, I would have a ton of girlfriends, and (hopefully) an amazingly smart and attractive boyfriend. But none of that has really happened. And I have to wonder if it's just me or if its just time to pick up and move again.

I don't know if moving would necessarily be the answer. Any time I feel out of place or unhappy I just move again. I'm not entirely sure if this gypsy wandering will ever really bring me to where I want to be or if it will just serve to make me more lost, but the past few nights I have been considering staying in DC for the fall semester for the Michigan in Washington program or going to France.

Its not that I am incapable of making friends. I think I am just more guarded than the average person. I'm not really sure what happened to make me become this way, because I know I was like this well before I started dating Jeff. I've just never trusted people in general, and I think I am terrified that they are just going to let me down or that I will become an "inconvenience" or something which is totally stupid because I think in general people enjoy my company. Maybe because I feel this way I don't act like myself around other people. On Friday, Ricki told me that I had two personalities. He said when I was at work I was crazy and fun to be around and laughed a lot but when he saw me around I always looks upset or sad. I thought that was an interesting (and accurate) observation.

Anyways. Enough about that.

I had to turn in my first scene of my play this week. I tried to be funny... I don't think I am good at doing funny but I think it turned out alright. I tried to write a parody on the debate on whether or not a national health care program would cover smokers. In my play the national health care program decides not to cover people who eat meat... Alex said I should make it a society that didn't allow people to have sex but when I tried to write out the dialogue to that scene I realized how incredibly embarrassed I would be to have it work shopped in class. Maybe some other time, Sasha. I''m not sure how to upload files onto this thing but if I find a way I will upload it so you can have a read.

Also, I am pretty much set on going to D.C. this summer. I thought for awhile about doing LT through my church but I don't know if I am ready for that just yet. I think my phobia to relational commitments has transcended human relationships. I think God understands. Hopefully, even though I am applying for internships rather late, I will get a job offer. I think I am pretty much guaranteed a job at the UofM lobbying office in DC which could be fun, but I'm hoping I'll get one of the foreign policy jobs I am applying for. Maybe I will also find a guy who aspires to be a famous politician... but then again, maybe I don't want to date the next Elliot Spitzer.


**Side Note for My Social Psych Class**
Today I went to Asian Legend with Sam and Yuan, and the waiter gave me a fork and knife "just in case". I think it was really because he assumed I couldn't use chopsticks but it gave Sam and Yuan a laugh at my expense, especially when I tried rather awkwardly with my chopsticks to eat two potstickers at once. =]