I would say overall last semester was definitely better than all of 1L year. I got to pick out my classes and I was interested in most of them. I also adopted a dog and my sister came to live with me for a couple of months, so it was fun to have people around at home. My parents bought a new house in Holland, MI in October, and its been really nice having them close enough to visit on the weekends. In fact, I am going back over there this weekend to pick up my dog, Pumpkin, and to visit since I have a 4 day weekend this week.
Last semester I finally felt like I was ready to start dating again, but it was definitely not what I had expected. On the plus side, I went out on dates with about 12 different guys, so I definitely learned what to do and what not to do on first dates. I think this is probably useful to know generally in just talking with new people, and I definitely feel more comfortable doing that now. What I hadn't expected was how much I let my feelings and emotions be affected when someone I was dating didn't work out. There were some guys that I genuinely felt like I had a great connection with, and then they would decide not to call me back. There was one I was interested in but his over-interest ended up pushing me away, because I felt that he was looking for ideal or for the person he thought I was, and not really seeing me for me. Then there was a guy who I dated for about a month and a conversation break down over text messaging (I texted but he never got it, I assumed he ignored me and he assumed I did not return feelings for him) ended things rather abruptly.
The positive to all of this is I am quickly learning what NOT to do. I also realized that part of my frustration was due to the fact that I was LOOKING for someone. When my sister came to live with me she put a sign on my fridge, that had a bunch of little mantras on it. One of the quotes really stuck out to me though:
If you are looking for love, STOP. It will find you once you start doing the things that you love.Anyway, I am trying to live by that mantra this semester, and to try to do more of the things I never seem to have time for because I am always going out with friends to different social events / bars in the attempt to meet someone, and then getting frustrated when it doesn't work out. For example, this evening some friends asked me out for Bluegrass night, and normally I would love to go (I actually seemed to have started a tradition here at Michigan Law, and now Wednesday nights are Bluegrass nights). However, I have acapella group from 8-10, and I am trying to go to bed early so I have time to do yoga / running in the mornings, which is something that always makes me feel less stressed and anxious but I never seem to have time to do.
It's been really hard even over the past couple of weeks to do this, as most of the time in law school I feel really lonely. This isn't just because I am single (I've mostly come to terms with this, and actually appreciate the time its given me to create better relationships with my friends & family) but because it seems like many of my friends are moving away. My sister got a new job in Grand Rapids, and so now I no longer have a roommate to hang out with, go out to dinner with, or just sit around and cook dinner and catch up on our favorite tv shows. My friend Nona just moved to Arizona with her boyfriend, and even though we didn't hang out as much this past semester she was one of the few people I could rely on to always be there if I called and needed a friend. My other good friend Mike is taking 18 credit hours this semester and will be graduating in May. All in all, I am starting to realize that many of the relationships that I have spent years building and nurturing are changing as people move away to find work or as they graduate school. It's made me realize more how little time and effort I put into my friendships here at school.
I guess today more than ever I felt very lonely. I went to go eat in the Commons (a student lounge with a cafe) before it got crowded but I must not have gotten there early enough because about 15 minutes into eating my salad I was sorrounded by a bunch of other students. They were all friends and talking, and I felt entirely invisible. I really wanted to try and strike up conversation, but it's intimidating when there's 7 people who all know each other well, and then you, the stranger. In any case, it's left me feeling out of sorts and feeling a little down, but I know I'll probably be feeling fine again tomorrow. Maybe my next resolution should be to try to make new friends =)
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