"No one takes my life from me. I give my life of my own free will. I have the authority to give my life, and I have the authority to take my life back again." - John 10:18.
Today was a very odd day. I went to bed last night in a weird mood (read: drunk) with the feeling that I hated this town and I shouldn't have stayed here for law school. As I walked back from the bar I was having an angry inner dialogue with myself, of how I let everyone else convince me into attending law school, that I never wanted to do this and I just did it to make everyone else proud of me. So as I drifted of to sleep I told myself that in the morning I was leaving this town and I wasn't going to come back (at least not until I figured out what my next move would be.)
I woke up this morning in a rush, because I had to do a practice negotiation for my Legal Practice class, but the last thing I wanted to do was have a fake negotiation with my group members when I was already fighting an internal battle with myself of whether or not I even wanted to continue on in law school. But I sucked it up and made it through. Afterwards I stopped by the Dean's office to talk to someone about my options but everyone was gone because it is Preview weekend which means all the prospective students are in town to tour the law school. So instead I went to the University counseling office just because I felt like I needed to tell someone I was planning on leaving school. I guess I thought they would somehow stop me. Instead the counselor (Joy!) listened to me blubber on and on about how I hated law school and I was only here because everyone else told me how great it was I got in and I didn't want to disappoint all of them. Then she looked at me and said:
"You have the control to make the decisions that make you happy, and no one else can make those for you. It sounds like you are afraid to make your own decisions because you are worried that everyone will be upset with you. But you need to focus on making the choices that make you happy, and if law school's not it then don't feel like you have to keep doing it for everyone else."
After I left her office I went home and decided to pack up my car and head home to Tennessee. I knew I wanted to go far away from Ann Arbor, but I wanted to go somewhere I could be alone and my house is currently sitting empty while my Dad is here visiting my mom. I decided that just in case I would bring a couple of casebooks and maybe think about outlining while I was home if I changed my mind. I then grabbed my phone and a charger and started driving.
Driving is a really good time to think, and I definitely had a lot to think about. My whole life I've felt like I was pushed into making certain decisions, because I was worried what everyone else would think if I didn't do it. I've convinced myself all this time that I could be happy if only everyone else would let me make my own choices and do the things I wanted to do. I started feeling really angry with everyone in my life, and I became more resolved in my decision to leave law school.
Its weird though, once I made that decision I felt the full responsibility of the consequences that would come with it. I knew it would mean finding a new job, figuring out who would take over my lease, canceling my financial aid requests for the next year, and answering a whole lot of questions. But I also realized something else -- in every other point in my life I HAD made all of my own choices. My choice to go to U-M over University of Tennessee, my choice to go to law school -- these were all MY choices. No one MADE me do it, it was just much easier for me to accept them by pushing off all the consequences and responsibilities of those decisions on to someone else and blaming them for my own unhappiness.
At this moment I decided to stop at a gas station in the middle of Ohio. I had been on the road for a little over 2 hours at this point and I was exhausted and hungover. I went in to use the bathroom and grab something to drink and I realized I had to decide whether or not I was going to keep running away from the consequences of my decision to go to law school and blame everyone else, or finally admit that I made this choice knowing full well that the first year would be the worst and face the fact that I still had a hell-storm of finals to return to once I got back.
I went back out to my car and sat there for a few minutes weighing this idea in my head. Going back meant I would have to face all of my internal demons - the ones saying I was incompetent and bound to fail. When it wasn't my choice, I knew I could blame any failures on other people - I could point and say "well you made me do it, I knew I wasn't cut out for it!" But if I went back, I became accountable to myself. If I failed, it was my fault.
Many people have a fear of public speaking, or heights, or spiders. Mine is failing. I've worked so hard my whole life to seem put together, smart, driven, and ambitious. But I am always terrified that at any moment I will fail and everyone will see I am a faker. That I'm not that great, wonderful, smart, or talented. That they had overestimated my ability. It was then I realized that I had to finally face this Failure demon that I had let control my life. I had to prove to myself that I can do this, and that even if I can't I am no less of a person for failing. So I buckled up and turned around and came back to Ann Arbor.
It's my decision now. And even though when I called my sister to tell her I wimped out on my plans of driving to Tennessee and she laughed at me and said "oo girl you failed!" I had to smile. Because I knew the truth. I finally won.
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