First Quarter Reflection

For some reason today when I woke up, I was feeling heavily discouraged. It could be that the heavy blanket of snow that now covers Ann Arbor (I thought we were approaching summer? What happened?) or my cold-turning-into-bronchitis that's getting me down. But I think realistically it's that I'm feeling frustrated in achieving some of the goals I had made for myself at the beginning of the year.

FAILS:
(1) Maintaining a 3.7 GPA
(2) Staying in touch with old friends / family members
(3) Strengthening my relationship with God

I don't know why but this semester has been kicking me up and down since it started. My classes have a ridiculous amount of reading, and to top it all off they give it to us with 4 pages to one page, so the font is about this big or smaller. I think I'm quickly losing my vision. In addition, these classes are held in large lecture halls where no one knows each other, I don't talk to my professors, and the exams grade on nitty-gritty details instead of broader concepts. I would much rather write a 15-page paper, please. Not to mention, it's my first time taking math since HIGH SCHOOL, and while I always think I understand my stats homework, I somehow keep making B's on the exams... what gives?

I've also been terrible about keeping in touch with my old friends from home and last semester. I think most people on staff are avoiding me because I always seem busy (I am) or because I don't drink anymore. If it's the latter, I really won't feel to horrible about it. But in any case, I have to work with these people and I don't want them to think I don't like them, I'm just overwhelmed. I think my family is starting to see me as the phantom daughter who only calls when she needs something, but the fact of the matter is I only have time to do those things that are urgent. I know some of this is my fault, I could spend less time with A.M. or N.E., but usually even when I am with these two I am studying or running... not just bumming around.

And maybe all this busy-ness is what is affecting my relationship with God. Although it could be that in combination with my coursework that keeps throwing doubt on everything that I believe. At least the sermon at New Life the past couple of weeks have helped out in some of those areas, but I wish I had more time to really research this stuff on my own, time I probably won't have until summer.... If anyone has any good books or ideas on where to start let me know.

After I thought about all my shortcomings, I started to think that in many ways the reason why I am unsuccessful in some areas is because I am becoming more successful in others...

SUCCESS!
(1) Soberiety
(2) Budgeting
(3) Overall Physical Fitness

As for (1), I just want to say I was never an alcoholic by any means. In fact, I think my intake of alcohol was fairly minimal compared to most college students. But after thinking about it and wavering on it for awhile, I ultimately decided to give up alcohol completely. Now this has definitely not added to my friend-base.. if anything I've lost friends who now believe that I am "uncool" or "not fun" or a "prude". But the basic fact is I feel better (no more wasted days of studying do to a late night out) and I've saved money by not going out to the bars, which leads me to number (2)...

I am not a good budgeter. I like to buy tea, coffee, food, whatever. Mostly comfort items. But since I gave up coffee/caffiene for Lent I haven't had reason to go to Starbucks. A.M. has also helped with this because he discourages my extraneous spending =) For example, last week his fraternity had a semi-formal and I thought I needed to buy a dress and he convinced me not too. It turns out I had a dress that worked out fine, so I saved myself some money.

(3) has been the most challenging, but the most rewarding. Training for a half-marathon is no picnic. Starting out, I hated the days I had to run. Now I've started to look forward to them. Saturday A.M. and I went on a long run that was just under 10-miles and it was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, physically and mentally. And then around the 9.5 mile mark I dropped my form for a second and ended up tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, scratching up my elbows and knees. But instead of walking back I convinced A.M. I could run it back.. it hurt but I was proud that I didn't give up. And that's what all this running has been teaching me: I can keep going, I don't have to give up. I'm alot stronger than I used to believe, and that's definitely helped me build confidence in my own abilities to do things. Not to mention losing the extra winter weight has been an added incentive...

So maybe I'm not perfect in everything, but I am succeeding in some things. Whenever I found myself doing really well in school or with social areas I always found I was neglecting other areas of my life. Now I'm finding that while I'm not doing fantastic in any one area, my life seems to have reached a balance. And I think I can accept that.

=)