I am a denim addict. I had over 20 pairs of blue jeans and to make room in my closet I took about 13 of those pairs to Salvation Army. And what do after I drop off my donation? Oh yea, I went to the racks of jeans to see if I could find some nice jeans for under $10 (which I did) It's truly pathetic.
While I was poring over the hundreds of pairs of jeans, analyzing pocket details and then seeing if they would fit, I realized that some of the jeans at Salvation Army definitely belonged in a salvage heap. I mean really, who donates jeans with a hole in the crotch of the pants? Or covered in grease? Or in some weird goop from who knows where?
Which brings me to my next thought after that... who donates underwear to Salvation Army? I spent a good long time wondering who actually bought said underwear but now I am curious how it even gets there in the first place. I personally would be creeped out if I knew someone out there was wearing an old pair of my underwear... gross.
The best purchase I made today by far was a Discman for $2.00!! It's even dec-ed out with some sweet stickers that say "GIRLS RULE!". Love it. Now I can have music for my long drive home to Tennessee. I don't have that many CD's but I borrowed some of my grandparents old country CDs so I can get in the southern mood before I make it home tomorrow night. I just wish I hadn't packed away my cowboy boots in storage...
Final Note: I am on the last few chapters of "The Shack" by William Young but I dont want to finish it because it's sort of over the top. The idea that everyone has their own light colors and it envelopes people they are in relationship with... REALLY?! Not that it couldnt be true but it just seems a little hokey-ish to me.
I don't really know why I wrote this except that I am bored...
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Growth
Today I was going through some old boxes of stuff in my grandparent's basement in the hope that I could minimize some of my crap before returning to school in the fall. My room next year is going to be about half of the size as my room last year so I really need to get rid of extra books/clothes/etc. As I was stumbling around in the dark (the light fixtures in the basement are circa 1950-something and the light bulbs are all burned out) I found my old journal from freshman year of college. I was reading through the some of the old entries and my heart ached for the broken and confused girl I use to be.
"I feel as if I am trapped here inside myself. There is a fire burning inside me, fueled by the anger, resentment, and loneliness that are my constant companions." [12.12.06]
"I know this holiday is suppose to be about Jesus' birth, but I just feel empty. I wish I could be like everyone else and just BELIEVE but something always holds me back. Rationality and doubt I suppose. I just don't understand how God is understood so differently by everyone. Some people say gays go to hell but murderers can still be forgiven. How does that work? And what about Muslims and Jews? Don't we believe in the same God? The problem with just believing in science though is that there is still an emptiness inside me that can't be explained. I want to try to understand. I don't want to be confused for my whole life. I want to know what is true. This morning on the news the reporter was asking people where they would like to see peace in the world and one man said "within myself" and I whole-heartedly agreed." [12.25.06]
"I stopped putting my faith in God and instead subscribed to a faith rooted in science. Then I thought that maybe God didn't exist at all - that he was just created by world governments in order to control humankind. After deciding God must be a fabrication, then sin must also be a fabrication in order to keep people in line. So I began to do all the things I had always condemned others for doing. But if sin is just a fabrication, why do I feel so guilty? I think deep down I know the reason but I don't want to believe it's true. Because if I believe God exists then I have to give up everything." [07.17.07]
"I went to a bible study today.. I always have a hard time with religion and today was no exception. I feel like the New Testament is overly preachy - a checklist of things I must do in order to be the "perfect Christian". Does such a thing even really exist??"[10.03.07]
My journey to where I am now has definitely been an interesting one. For the first time this summer I realized the message I had been missing as a Christian was one of GRACE. I always felt as if God was abandoning me and judging me for the things I had done. Looking back now I realize I was rejecting him. I didn't want His grace - I wanted to try to earn my own salvation. No wonder I felt alone and frustrated. Leadership Training has definitely helped change this outlook for me, and I am so thankful that God used the opportunity to show me how He loves me persistently and unconditionally. I no longer have to fear being alone. =)
"I feel as if I am trapped here inside myself. There is a fire burning inside me, fueled by the anger, resentment, and loneliness that are my constant companions." [12.12.06]
"I know this holiday is suppose to be about Jesus' birth, but I just feel empty. I wish I could be like everyone else and just BELIEVE but something always holds me back. Rationality and doubt I suppose. I just don't understand how God is understood so differently by everyone. Some people say gays go to hell but murderers can still be forgiven. How does that work? And what about Muslims and Jews? Don't we believe in the same God? The problem with just believing in science though is that there is still an emptiness inside me that can't be explained. I want to try to understand. I don't want to be confused for my whole life. I want to know what is true. This morning on the news the reporter was asking people where they would like to see peace in the world and one man said "within myself" and I whole-heartedly agreed." [12.25.06]
"I stopped putting my faith in God and instead subscribed to a faith rooted in science. Then I thought that maybe God didn't exist at all - that he was just created by world governments in order to control humankind. After deciding God must be a fabrication, then sin must also be a fabrication in order to keep people in line. So I began to do all the things I had always condemned others for doing. But if sin is just a fabrication, why do I feel so guilty? I think deep down I know the reason but I don't want to believe it's true. Because if I believe God exists then I have to give up everything." [07.17.07]
"I went to a bible study today.. I always have a hard time with religion and today was no exception. I feel like the New Testament is overly preachy - a checklist of things I must do in order to be the "perfect Christian". Does such a thing even really exist??"[10.03.07]
My journey to where I am now has definitely been an interesting one. For the first time this summer I realized the message I had been missing as a Christian was one of GRACE. I always felt as if God was abandoning me and judging me for the things I had done. Looking back now I realize I was rejecting him. I didn't want His grace - I wanted to try to earn my own salvation. No wonder I felt alone and frustrated. Leadership Training has definitely helped change this outlook for me, and I am so thankful that God used the opportunity to show me how He loves me persistently and unconditionally. I no longer have to fear being alone. =)
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Personal Statement!
My brain feels so out of shape. The 3+months of summer vacation have definitely encased my mind in what feels like a large cotton blanket and now I am having trouble shaking it off and getting started on my personal statement for law school.
The problem is, I've never been great at "defining" myself. I've had a pretty normal home-life, I make good grades, I did well on my LSAT, I've done the expected summer internship in D.C., and I've got great letters of recommendation. But none of that stuff really makes me "special". On the surface I just look like every other starry-eyed undergraduate applying to law school.
Sometimes I think it would be great to talk about my faith. It definitely has impacted me in that I have chosen to go on service trips and volunteer projects that I wouldn't have decided to do unless I had been involved with the church. And the reason I want to become a lawyer is so that I can help defend the poor and the defenseless, not because I want to make tons of money. The only caveat to talking about my faith, though, is that it may distance me from the reader, especially if they have a hard time relating to Christianity or make the assumption that I am close-minded because of my religion.
Maybe if I stare at the computer screen long enough though an idea will come to me.....
The problem is, I've never been great at "defining" myself. I've had a pretty normal home-life, I make good grades, I did well on my LSAT, I've done the expected summer internship in D.C., and I've got great letters of recommendation. But none of that stuff really makes me "special". On the surface I just look like every other starry-eyed undergraduate applying to law school.
Sometimes I think it would be great to talk about my faith. It definitely has impacted me in that I have chosen to go on service trips and volunteer projects that I wouldn't have decided to do unless I had been involved with the church. And the reason I want to become a lawyer is so that I can help defend the poor and the defenseless, not because I want to make tons of money. The only caveat to talking about my faith, though, is that it may distance me from the reader, especially if they have a hard time relating to Christianity or make the assumption that I am close-minded because of my religion.
Maybe if I stare at the computer screen long enough though an idea will come to me.....
Monday, August 3, 2009
I Really Do...
hate this feeling.
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay
Monday, June 1, 2009
LSAT in 7 Days & I'm freaking out...
I can't remember a time when one test had me going this insane. All of my co-workers, family members, friends, and my boyfriend are getting tired of hearing me panic over the LSAT. The problem is every time one of them tells me "Don't freak out" I just end up panic-ing even more. I know this is completely detrimental to my studying but I can't help it. I'm starting to worry I might have a mental breakdown before I even get to the test...
The problem isn't understanding the question types. When I'm not in a time-crunch I get them all right. But when I'm forced to answer the questions in 35 minutes or less I end up running out of time or not thinking through the answer choices fully because I'm trying to rush so I answer them all. Today I attempted to do Pacing sections which are small sections that you can do to time yourself and I'm still not finishing on time! The weird thing is right around the time of Final Exams I took a practice test and finished every section well before time with a 165. Now I'm scoring high 150s and low 160s. What the heck happened?
I could blame it all on my job, but let's not even get started on that. I'm working on setting some boundaries in my professional life right now to prevent me from becoming a work-aholic. We'll save that topic for another time. But the reality is my confidence is shaken and I'm not sure how to get it back. The second problem is that I really don't feel passionate about law school in itself; I just see it as a means to an end. Ideally I would be able to use my legal knowledge to help non-profit groups be more successful. I want to go to third-world countries and assist them with trade agreements so that they don't continue getting screwed over by larger countries who will take advantage of them. When it comes down to it, I just want to help people. But I can't ever get to that point if I can't accomplish the first step, which is simply to get admitted into a law school....
I'm starting to wonder if this is even what God has planned for me. I feel like if I was truly following God's will then it wouldn't feel like I was fighting so hard all the time to force the outcome I wanted. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to have to fight for it. I really don't know. I've been praying about it and asking for guidance but it seems like all I'm getting right now is the heavenly busy signal. And that is just making me question if the absence of any answer is a sign that I'm praying to a big empty whole in the sky...
So if you're reading this, I could really use your prayers, well-wishes, and encouragment to help get me through this next week. It's going to be challenging me physically, spiritually, and mentally!
The problem isn't understanding the question types. When I'm not in a time-crunch I get them all right. But when I'm forced to answer the questions in 35 minutes or less I end up running out of time or not thinking through the answer choices fully because I'm trying to rush so I answer them all. Today I attempted to do Pacing sections which are small sections that you can do to time yourself and I'm still not finishing on time! The weird thing is right around the time of Final Exams I took a practice test and finished every section well before time with a 165. Now I'm scoring high 150s and low 160s. What the heck happened?
I could blame it all on my job, but let's not even get started on that. I'm working on setting some boundaries in my professional life right now to prevent me from becoming a work-aholic. We'll save that topic for another time. But the reality is my confidence is shaken and I'm not sure how to get it back. The second problem is that I really don't feel passionate about law school in itself; I just see it as a means to an end. Ideally I would be able to use my legal knowledge to help non-profit groups be more successful. I want to go to third-world countries and assist them with trade agreements so that they don't continue getting screwed over by larger countries who will take advantage of them. When it comes down to it, I just want to help people. But I can't ever get to that point if I can't accomplish the first step, which is simply to get admitted into a law school....
I'm starting to wonder if this is even what God has planned for me. I feel like if I was truly following God's will then it wouldn't feel like I was fighting so hard all the time to force the outcome I wanted. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to have to fight for it. I really don't know. I've been praying about it and asking for guidance but it seems like all I'm getting right now is the heavenly busy signal. And that is just making me question if the absence of any answer is a sign that I'm praying to a big empty whole in the sky...
So if you're reading this, I could really use your prayers, well-wishes, and encouragment to help get me through this next week. It's going to be challenging me physically, spiritually, and mentally!
Monday, April 6, 2009
First Quarter Reflection
For some reason today when I woke up, I was feeling heavily discouraged. It could be that the heavy blanket of snow that now covers Ann Arbor (I thought we were approaching summer? What happened?) or my cold-turning-into-bronchitis that's getting me down. But I think realistically it's that I'm feeling frustrated in achieving some of the goals I had made for myself at the beginning of the year.
FAILS:
(1) Maintaining a 3.7 GPA
(2) Staying in touch with old friends / family members
(3) Strengthening my relationship with God
I don't know why but this semester has been kicking me up and down since it started. My classes have a ridiculous amount of reading, and to top it all off they give it to us with 4 pages to one page, so the font is about this big or smaller. I think I'm quickly losing my vision. In addition, these classes are held in large lecture halls where no one knows each other, I don't talk to my professors, and the exams grade on nitty-gritty details instead of broader concepts. I would much rather write a 15-page paper, please. Not to mention, it's my first time taking math since HIGH SCHOOL, and while I always think I understand my stats homework, I somehow keep making B's on the exams... what gives?
I've also been terrible about keeping in touch with my old friends from home and last semester. I think most people on staff are avoiding me because I always seem busy (I am) or because I don't drink anymore. If it's the latter, I really won't feel to horrible about it. But in any case, I have to work with these people and I don't want them to think I don't like them, I'm just overwhelmed. I think my family is starting to see me as the phantom daughter who only calls when she needs something, but the fact of the matter is I only have time to do those things that are urgent. I know some of this is my fault, I could spend less time with A.M. or N.E., but usually even when I am with these two I am studying or running... not just bumming around.
And maybe all this busy-ness is what is affecting my relationship with God. Although it could be that in combination with my coursework that keeps throwing doubt on everything that I believe. At least the sermon at New Life the past couple of weeks have helped out in some of those areas, but I wish I had more time to really research this stuff on my own, time I probably won't have until summer.... If anyone has any good books or ideas on where to start let me know.
After I thought about all my shortcomings, I started to think that in many ways the reason why I am unsuccessful in some areas is because I am becoming more successful in others...
SUCCESS!
(1) Soberiety
(2) Budgeting
(3) Overall Physical Fitness
As for (1), I just want to say I was never an alcoholic by any means. In fact, I think my intake of alcohol was fairly minimal compared to most college students. But after thinking about it and wavering on it for awhile, I ultimately decided to give up alcohol completely. Now this has definitely not added to my friend-base.. if anything I've lost friends who now believe that I am "uncool" or "not fun" or a "prude". But the basic fact is I feel better (no more wasted days of studying do to a late night out) and I've saved money by not going out to the bars, which leads me to number (2)...
I am not a good budgeter. I like to buy tea, coffee, food, whatever. Mostly comfort items. But since I gave up coffee/caffiene for Lent I haven't had reason to go to Starbucks. A.M. has also helped with this because he discourages my extraneous spending =) For example, last week his fraternity had a semi-formal and I thought I needed to buy a dress and he convinced me not too. It turns out I had a dress that worked out fine, so I saved myself some money.
(3) has been the most challenging, but the most rewarding. Training for a half-marathon is no picnic. Starting out, I hated the days I had to run. Now I've started to look forward to them. Saturday A.M. and I went on a long run that was just under 10-miles and it was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, physically and mentally. And then around the 9.5 mile mark I dropped my form for a second and ended up tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, scratching up my elbows and knees. But instead of walking back I convinced A.M. I could run it back.. it hurt but I was proud that I didn't give up. And that's what all this running has been teaching me: I can keep going, I don't have to give up. I'm alot stronger than I used to believe, and that's definitely helped me build confidence in my own abilities to do things. Not to mention losing the extra winter weight has been an added incentive...
So maybe I'm not perfect in everything, but I am succeeding in some things. Whenever I found myself doing really well in school or with social areas I always found I was neglecting other areas of my life. Now I'm finding that while I'm not doing fantastic in any one area, my life seems to have reached a balance. And I think I can accept that.
=)
FAILS:
(1) Maintaining a 3.7 GPA
(2) Staying in touch with old friends / family members
(3) Strengthening my relationship with God
I don't know why but this semester has been kicking me up and down since it started. My classes have a ridiculous amount of reading, and to top it all off they give it to us with 4 pages to one page, so the font is about this big or smaller. I think I'm quickly losing my vision. In addition, these classes are held in large lecture halls where no one knows each other, I don't talk to my professors, and the exams grade on nitty-gritty details instead of broader concepts. I would much rather write a 15-page paper, please. Not to mention, it's my first time taking math since HIGH SCHOOL, and while I always think I understand my stats homework, I somehow keep making B's on the exams... what gives?
I've also been terrible about keeping in touch with my old friends from home and last semester. I think most people on staff are avoiding me because I always seem busy (I am) or because I don't drink anymore. If it's the latter, I really won't feel to horrible about it. But in any case, I have to work with these people and I don't want them to think I don't like them, I'm just overwhelmed. I think my family is starting to see me as the phantom daughter who only calls when she needs something, but the fact of the matter is I only have time to do those things that are urgent. I know some of this is my fault, I could spend less time with A.M. or N.E., but usually even when I am with these two I am studying or running... not just bumming around.
And maybe all this busy-ness is what is affecting my relationship with God. Although it could be that in combination with my coursework that keeps throwing doubt on everything that I believe. At least the sermon at New Life the past couple of weeks have helped out in some of those areas, but I wish I had more time to really research this stuff on my own, time I probably won't have until summer.... If anyone has any good books or ideas on where to start let me know.
After I thought about all my shortcomings, I started to think that in many ways the reason why I am unsuccessful in some areas is because I am becoming more successful in others...
SUCCESS!
(1) Soberiety
(2) Budgeting
(3) Overall Physical Fitness
As for (1), I just want to say I was never an alcoholic by any means. In fact, I think my intake of alcohol was fairly minimal compared to most college students. But after thinking about it and wavering on it for awhile, I ultimately decided to give up alcohol completely. Now this has definitely not added to my friend-base.. if anything I've lost friends who now believe that I am "uncool" or "not fun" or a "prude". But the basic fact is I feel better (no more wasted days of studying do to a late night out) and I've saved money by not going out to the bars, which leads me to number (2)...
I am not a good budgeter. I like to buy tea, coffee, food, whatever. Mostly comfort items. But since I gave up coffee/caffiene for Lent I haven't had reason to go to Starbucks. A.M. has also helped with this because he discourages my extraneous spending =) For example, last week his fraternity had a semi-formal and I thought I needed to buy a dress and he convinced me not too. It turns out I had a dress that worked out fine, so I saved myself some money.
(3) has been the most challenging, but the most rewarding. Training for a half-marathon is no picnic. Starting out, I hated the days I had to run. Now I've started to look forward to them. Saturday A.M. and I went on a long run that was just under 10-miles and it was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, physically and mentally. And then around the 9.5 mile mark I dropped my form for a second and ended up tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, scratching up my elbows and knees. But instead of walking back I convinced A.M. I could run it back.. it hurt but I was proud that I didn't give up. And that's what all this running has been teaching me: I can keep going, I don't have to give up. I'm alot stronger than I used to believe, and that's definitely helped me build confidence in my own abilities to do things. Not to mention losing the extra winter weight has been an added incentive...
So maybe I'm not perfect in everything, but I am succeeding in some things. Whenever I found myself doing really well in school or with social areas I always found I was neglecting other areas of my life. Now I'm finding that while I'm not doing fantastic in any one area, my life seems to have reached a balance. And I think I can accept that.
=)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Late Night Chats
12:44 AM me: blah blah blah
i hate studying
come study with me
=D
12:45 AM N: i'm working on my bed
my throat really hurts
i don't feel like going anywhere
12:48 AM me: ok
sorry your throat hurts
are you going to UHS tomorrow?
12:49 AM N: yeah... i need to
me: alright well let me know if they say you have the strep
N: ok. :)
me: if you do, I might need to avoid you... for my own safety
N: yeah, its ok
me: cause I don't get the common kinds anymore
N: i understand
me: and i dont want to be on steroids again =) lol
12:50 AM N: haha
but i really wanted you to become a man
now, my life plans have been ruined
:(
what will i do?
me: Well, maybe we could tell Oprah our story
and she would pay for my sex-change operation
12:51 AM
me: but then I would have to go on Dr.Phil
because Alex would be traumatized
me: and then afterwards we would walk across the street to Jerry Springer's studio
and the three of us would have a throw-down
12:52 AM N: you are ridiculous. i thought i came up with weird things at night, but you are definitely top me tonight.
:P
me: this is all going on my blog,
just so you know...
then the world will be in on our secret
12:53 AM N: that i want you to get a sex change
do work!
you have an exam tomorrow
remember?
in less than 12 hours
work!
:P
12:54 AM me: sorry
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