My life as a Supermassive Black Hole.

Midterms are almost over, and I have resolved that for the rest of the semester I am going to stay on top of my reading assignments so I don't end up reading them all the night before my exam. I'm almost positive I failed my midterm for my 100 level class, which will be difficult to explain to law school admission programs...

My last Letter of Recommendation should be coming in this Friday and then I can start sending out applications. So far I have received application fee waivers from everywhere but Yale, but I wasn't really expecting one from them. Heck, I really doubt I will even get in but my mother insisted that I should apply and so I will.

I'm really not sure if I want to go to law school or not yet, and I worry that sending in all of my applications will make it that much harder to say no if they offer me a great admissions package. But I can't reconcile this part of me that has always wanted to become a writer. My favorite class at U-M was my creative writing workshop, and ever since I was a young girl I would write short stories and poems in my free time. A part of me wants to be a powerful attorney and crack down on sex-trafficking and unfair labor practices, but another part of me knows I will regret not pursuing writing.

I guess for now I've just decided to turn in all of my applications and see what happens, and start hardcore praying for guidance on what to do about all of this. I'm also thinking about doing NaNoWriMo to see how I fare with writing an entire novel in one month. I'm a little worried because I am already struggling to keep up with classes this semester, but I guess my senioritis is preventing me from caring too much. Also, it's possible I could submit a part of the novel in to the creative writing department to see if I could get into the upper-level workshop next semester.

For now though, I'm trying not to let schoolwork/RA stuff / applications / life decisions suck me in to a supermassive black hole...

Caroline

She played it hard and yes she played it rough
Made her feel safe and it made her feel tough
And rock by rock she built those walls everyday
Built herself a tower so far away
And from up high in that castle
She knew no one could get too close to touch
And if life and death were such a game
Why did they all make such a fuss?
And if birds could fly high over their troubles
She gonna find some of her own wings and fly
And no one could convince or pay her double
Or tell her she was too young to die

Oh Caroline, Caroline

Stay Happy

I've been trying this new thing where I go a whole day without being negative. It's sort of working, except when I get around people who know me well enough to know that I'm just faking it and then I end up confessing that I'm conducting an experiment...

The idea came to me from a friend over coffee last week. We were discussing different Chinese philosophies, which inevitably lead to the discussion of Confucius. My friend noticed that I seemed to dwell a lot on all the negative things that were going on (being over-worked, not enough sleep, crumbling friendships, stress over the law school application process &c.) instead of feeling excited about life. "What you believe internally will be manifested externally", is a Confucian idea that my friend revealed to me that morning. And since then I have been trying to maintain a more positive outlook.

The problem is I seem to be stuck in a rut. I'm running the treadmill of going to classes, training for my 10-k, completing apps, and hanging out with the same people I've hung out with all of college. Not that any of this is bad, but its just so predictable that even I'M not excited about my life anymore.

So I've given myself a challenge to do at least one new thing a week. I'm tossing around the idea of blowing off this weekend's homecoming game and taking a trip to Canada for the day, or going to the Run Woodstock event in Pickney that I wanted to do but no one else was really up for. All I know is that I'm 21 years old and free to do whatever I want to do in life and I'm playing it safe. I don't want to wake up some day and regret not doing all the things I could have done now.

"It was Colonel Mustard with the Percoset in the Cabin..."

This past weekend my parents went to Gatlinburg for their anniversary. Unfortunately, their cabin was broken into and they lost all of their prescription medicine as well as their laptops and ipods. They filed a police report and today the pharmacy called us to let us know that someone had been pulled over and caught with the prescription for Percoset in their car (a leftover from my brother's recent oral surgery)and a bag with my mom's bathing suit. This, after spending all afternoon buying insurance to protect our entire family from identity theft since our recent tax documents were on their laptops.

After receiving the news, we decided to go to the local Mexican restaurant, La Plaza, for my mom's birthday. We were going to tell the waiter it was my mom's birthday but she told us not to, because then they would put a giant sombrero on her head and shove flan in her face. After everything else she had been through in the past 24 hours, she could not handle having flan shoved in her face to a rousing round of "Feliz Cumpleanos" so we decided not to tell the waiter.

Halfway into dinner, (and 3 margaritas after the fact) my mother starts discussing the robbery:

Mom: "Now I'm no deductive, but I think it was an inside job"
Lauren (My sister): "Uhh... you mean detective?"
Mom: "That's what I said! Now I think what happened was the cleaning lady told Colonel Mustard about the extra Percoset. Then he told the Maintenance Man so he could break in the door. And then he took all the drugs."
Me: " Colonel Mustard? What is this, CLUE?"
Mom: "Yea well I hope that asshole took all my estro-pills on accident and grew some man-boobs. Then maybe he can run around wearing my bathing suit in prison. Now where is our waiter? I gotta get out of here. I want ice cream. But I don't want to wear no damn sombrero"
Me: "Hey wait! I think I hear them singing! I think Dad told them!"
Mom: " Get outta my way, I don't want to be here!" (stiff-arms me out of the bench and takes of running to the car)

It was hilarious. One day, I plan on writing an entire book on my family. I'll be the next David Sedaris and I'll get to appear on daytime shows like Oprah and Ellen.

Breakable

I love love LOVE this song.


"Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about
What protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones
And some other various parts

So it's fairly simple
To cut right through the mess
And to stop the muscle
That makes us confess

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable
Girls and boys

And you fasten my seatbelt
Because it is the law
In your two-ton death trap
I finally saw
A piece of love in your face
That bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places
I'll never forget

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable
Girls and boys

No Rhyme, No Reason.

Today Lauren and I decided to clean out our closet (which is more like an extra bedroom than a closet) and I found a box full of journals and half-finished stories from high school. It's actually kind of interesting to see some of the common themes in my writing during that time in my life. Most of it was about relationships I had with my friends, boyfriends, and family members. One of the best things I found (which was actually something I had been looking for for awhile) was a book of poetry I had started writing in during my sophomore year of high school. Some of it is really really bad... I am almost embarrassed to say I wrote it, although I suppose I can just say it was a rough draft. There were a couple of good ones that I thought I would share here for posterity's sake.

---

"Censored"
[5.23.2007]

Sometimes the thoughts in my head
Manage to make their way out
Before reason gets a chance to censor them
It seems as if I am suffering
From some type of verbal incontinence.

Although I suppose now would be the appropriate time
If there ever was such a designated time or situation
In which one would be allowed to be
vulnerable
defenseless
exposed.

Maybe I could wear a surgeon's mask
That would filter all the words I said
As they made their way out of my mouth
It would capture the rogue words
Better left to the confines of my subconscious
Letting the rest slip through,
Slightly indiscernible
But at least not emotionally jarring...

Then I could talk to you again
Without feeling like such a fool.

---

---

"Addicted"
[9.29.2004]

I'll never be what you want
Even though I try my hardest
My heart pumping a million beats
And all I want is to know
That I'm good enough

Countless hours refining my skills
Going out of my way to do what you want
I don't know why I stay here
And allow myself to sink further

Some are addicted to drugs,
Others to money,
But I am addicted to the painful submission
Of earning your respect.

---

---

"Photograph"
[11.04.2005]

I develop all of my responses
In sepia tones
But you don't see it
You've only seen black and white
Never the confusing chromatic shades
That I know so well.

Whenever I look at this photograph of us
It is like seeing a negative
Everything that was once dark is now light
And now I understand,

It was never about me.

---

Careless Whisper

My brother shared this new cover done by Seether of the 1984 George Michael's song "Careless Whisper". At first I was a little disappointed - I've been waiting for a new Seether album to come out for awhile & this is the first single they release? Since then, though, it has definitely grown on me. Some of my favorite lines:

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose the crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

I've always thought it was best to tell someone the truth, unless it would unnecessarily cause them pain. For example, I would never tell a girlfriend that she looked bad in a dress if she was dressed for a special occasion, because it would only make her more self-conscious. (Now, if I was going shopping with them before hand I would let them know the truth so they didn't make a bad purchase) But that's a very simple example.

I think people should tell the truth, but it is interesting how sometimes the things we want to say to the people we care about most are rather careless. There has been several times when I have had to restrain myself from telling people the things I think are true about them ("you are selfish", "you need to grow up and quit living off your parents", "you need to quit using others") but that I never say. What's the point. As the song suggests, "Ignorance is kind".

Opinions and Criticisms welcome. =]