I can't remember a time when one test had me going this insane. All of my co-workers, family members, friends, and my boyfriend are getting tired of hearing me panic over the LSAT. The problem is every time one of them tells me "Don't freak out" I just end up panic-ing even more. I know this is completely detrimental to my studying but I can't help it. I'm starting to worry I might have a mental breakdown before I even get to the test...
The problem isn't understanding the question types. When I'm not in a time-crunch I get them all right. But when I'm forced to answer the questions in 35 minutes or less I end up running out of time or not thinking through the answer choices fully because I'm trying to rush so I answer them all. Today I attempted to do Pacing sections which are small sections that you can do to time yourself and I'm still not finishing on time! The weird thing is right around the time of Final Exams I took a practice test and finished every section well before time with a 165. Now I'm scoring high 150s and low 160s. What the heck happened?
I could blame it all on my job, but let's not even get started on that. I'm working on setting some boundaries in my professional life right now to prevent me from becoming a work-aholic. We'll save that topic for another time. But the reality is my confidence is shaken and I'm not sure how to get it back. The second problem is that I really don't feel passionate about law school in itself; I just see it as a means to an end. Ideally I would be able to use my legal knowledge to help non-profit groups be more successful. I want to go to third-world countries and assist them with trade agreements so that they don't continue getting screwed over by larger countries who will take advantage of them. When it comes down to it, I just want to help people. But I can't ever get to that point if I can't accomplish the first step, which is simply to get admitted into a law school....
I'm starting to wonder if this is even what God has planned for me. I feel like if I was truly following God's will then it wouldn't feel like I was fighting so hard all the time to force the outcome I wanted. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to have to fight for it. I really don't know. I've been praying about it and asking for guidance but it seems like all I'm getting right now is the heavenly busy signal. And that is just making me question if the absence of any answer is a sign that I'm praying to a big empty whole in the sky...
So if you're reading this, I could really use your prayers, well-wishes, and encouragment to help get me through this next week. It's going to be challenging me physically, spiritually, and mentally!
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Internal Conflict
For the past few hours I thought that this odd tight feeling in my chest was due to the immense amount of homework and papers I have due in the next week. But after a working on some assignments I am realizing that this feeling is caused by a much larger issue...
So today in my RA class (see previous posts) we had to separate in groups based on whether we considered ourselves white and non-white. Then we did this activity called "Fishbowl" where one group sat in the middle and talked while the other group sat on the outside and observed. Have you ever had one of those moments that is so powerful that you just know that from now on your life is going to be completely changed? I guess for me I always thought it would be cool to be a minority group because you are automatically a part of a community. But hearing my peers talk about cliques, class, and the struggle to succeed while being held back by other people in your group who want you to "remember your history" and not "act white-washed" was such an eye-opener for me. There's such a struggle there to fit into your "community" but even within that community there are huge differences as in the white community. Also I realized that oftentimes I come into class taking it for granted that the professor is going to listen to what I have to say but these students have to come in and professors automatically assume that they are only there because of affirmative action policies. Then one guy in my class said that for him he has such a conflict of identities because he is a black gay male, and in a community of hypermasculinity he is often confronted with homophobia from men that should be considered part of his community. Which leads me to wonder, does this sense of community really exist? Just because someone is white or black or gay or whatever... is that really all there is? I think we're just people who are different and this whole idea of community is fluid. I think it's possible a person could be a part of several communities and may not feel like they are a part of any of them.
I thought what was revealed by the white students was just as interesting as what was revealed by the minority students. After going round and round in discussion I think we finally hit on why we are all just avoid talking about race or thinking about race. I think for the most part, all of the students said that because white history is littered with oppression of so many different types of people we hate to tie ourselves to that history because then we would have a share of the guilt and the blame. I think someone said it really eloquently: "There isn't really any group that benefit from prejudice and oppression in the long run. Sure in the short run it might seem that way but there are always people in the group who feel responsible and guilty later even if they disagreed with it to begin with. So no one escapes feeling hurt the prejudice causes." Maybe white people are afraid to talk about race because they don't want to take responsibility. But I know in my case I am just so afraid that I will accidentally say something that will add on to the damage and hurt that's already been done.
Another point I brought up (which caused alot of tension, even though I had the best intentions by the statement) was how alot of times I have wished I was a part of a minority group just because I feel ashamed of being white. I guess when I first found out about slavery and the Civil War I just felt so guilty, like it was my fault. Then when I found out my family was German I was excited because I had a different, more interesting, heritage to cling to. Then came 5th grade history class and I learned that the Germans were responsible for murdering millions of Jews. Then I didn't want to be a part of that heritage either. And I think alot of white people feel that way. We do have backgrounds and heritage but their all rooted in oppressing other people so what good is that? But apparently this did not settle well with the other students because, as one student said, "Do you think I like have a heritage of always having to struggle for something?" Point taken. The thing is, it's good to remember your history. But let's try to leave the past in the past and make a new history. I just remember vividly I had this moment where I didn't see anyone but I just felt their presence as people (this might get corny), and I just though about how much of our human experience is influenced by our outside appearance. If I had been born a different race I am sure who I am would change drastically. But I think that realization that when it comes down to it we are all humans with human emotions is important to understanding each other.
Ok so. I know that was long. But I have more.
I've realized in the past week or so why I haven't had fun in college. I think I spend so much time just trying to find a group that I fit into that I tend to not be myself. It's like the only time I can be myself is when I am alone or with a couple of my close friends. I'm still so lost on who Liza is that I can't even find friends who I can be myself around. I mean the people I hang out with now on campus are all fantastic people. The main reason why I am friends with them is because they are the people I wish I could be. I wish I could be a strong Christian. I believe that God is out there, but having a relationship with the creator of the universe? Sounds intimidating. I can't even talk to the hot guy who is studying in the CLC across from me. How could I ever talk to the God of all creation? Not only that but I am a relationship avoider. And I had a self-epiphany today on why that is. I don't want to have any obligations to anyone and so I avoid relationships because then I would be accountable to that person. I would have to explain my feelings. I would have to stop being selfish. I would have to put that person above myself. And to be honest, as much as this self realization is hurtful and I want to change, I can't honestly say that I ever will. I want to have deep meaningful relationships but my will for self-preservation and my deep fear of vulnerability prevents me from having them.
Anyways I think I am done being deep and emotional now. Thanks for reading.
So today in my RA class (see previous posts) we had to separate in groups based on whether we considered ourselves white and non-white. Then we did this activity called "Fishbowl" where one group sat in the middle and talked while the other group sat on the outside and observed. Have you ever had one of those moments that is so powerful that you just know that from now on your life is going to be completely changed? I guess for me I always thought it would be cool to be a minority group because you are automatically a part of a community. But hearing my peers talk about cliques, class, and the struggle to succeed while being held back by other people in your group who want you to "remember your history" and not "act white-washed" was such an eye-opener for me. There's such a struggle there to fit into your "community" but even within that community there are huge differences as in the white community. Also I realized that oftentimes I come into class taking it for granted that the professor is going to listen to what I have to say but these students have to come in and professors automatically assume that they are only there because of affirmative action policies. Then one guy in my class said that for him he has such a conflict of identities because he is a black gay male, and in a community of hypermasculinity he is often confronted with homophobia from men that should be considered part of his community. Which leads me to wonder, does this sense of community really exist? Just because someone is white or black or gay or whatever... is that really all there is? I think we're just people who are different and this whole idea of community is fluid. I think it's possible a person could be a part of several communities and may not feel like they are a part of any of them.
I thought what was revealed by the white students was just as interesting as what was revealed by the minority students. After going round and round in discussion I think we finally hit on why we are all just avoid talking about race or thinking about race. I think for the most part, all of the students said that because white history is littered with oppression of so many different types of people we hate to tie ourselves to that history because then we would have a share of the guilt and the blame. I think someone said it really eloquently: "There isn't really any group that benefit from prejudice and oppression in the long run. Sure in the short run it might seem that way but there are always people in the group who feel responsible and guilty later even if they disagreed with it to begin with. So no one escapes feeling hurt the prejudice causes." Maybe white people are afraid to talk about race because they don't want to take responsibility. But I know in my case I am just so afraid that I will accidentally say something that will add on to the damage and hurt that's already been done.
Another point I brought up (which caused alot of tension, even though I had the best intentions by the statement) was how alot of times I have wished I was a part of a minority group just because I feel ashamed of being white. I guess when I first found out about slavery and the Civil War I just felt so guilty, like it was my fault. Then when I found out my family was German I was excited because I had a different, more interesting, heritage to cling to. Then came 5th grade history class and I learned that the Germans were responsible for murdering millions of Jews. Then I didn't want to be a part of that heritage either. And I think alot of white people feel that way. We do have backgrounds and heritage but their all rooted in oppressing other people so what good is that? But apparently this did not settle well with the other students because, as one student said, "Do you think I like have a heritage of always having to struggle for something?" Point taken. The thing is, it's good to remember your history. But let's try to leave the past in the past and make a new history. I just remember vividly I had this moment where I didn't see anyone but I just felt their presence as people (this might get corny), and I just though about how much of our human experience is influenced by our outside appearance. If I had been born a different race I am sure who I am would change drastically. But I think that realization that when it comes down to it we are all humans with human emotions is important to understanding each other.
Ok so. I know that was long. But I have more.
I've realized in the past week or so why I haven't had fun in college. I think I spend so much time just trying to find a group that I fit into that I tend to not be myself. It's like the only time I can be myself is when I am alone or with a couple of my close friends. I'm still so lost on who Liza is that I can't even find friends who I can be myself around. I mean the people I hang out with now on campus are all fantastic people. The main reason why I am friends with them is because they are the people I wish I could be. I wish I could be a strong Christian. I believe that God is out there, but having a relationship with the creator of the universe? Sounds intimidating. I can't even talk to the hot guy who is studying in the CLC across from me. How could I ever talk to the God of all creation? Not only that but I am a relationship avoider. And I had a self-epiphany today on why that is. I don't want to have any obligations to anyone and so I avoid relationships because then I would be accountable to that person. I would have to explain my feelings. I would have to stop being selfish. I would have to put that person above myself. And to be honest, as much as this self realization is hurtful and I want to change, I can't honestly say that I ever will. I want to have deep meaningful relationships but my will for self-preservation and my deep fear of vulnerability prevents me from having them.
Anyways I think I am done being deep and emotional now. Thanks for reading.
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