Internal Conflict

For the past few hours I thought that this odd tight feeling in my chest was due to the immense amount of homework and papers I have due in the next week. But after a working on some assignments I am realizing that this feeling is caused by a much larger issue...

So today in my RA class (see previous posts) we had to separate in groups based on whether we considered ourselves white and non-white. Then we did this activity called "Fishbowl" where one group sat in the middle and talked while the other group sat on the outside and observed. Have you ever had one of those moments that is so powerful that you just know that from now on your life is going to be completely changed? I guess for me I always thought it would be cool to be a minority group because you are automatically a part of a community. But hearing my peers talk about cliques, class, and the struggle to succeed while being held back by other people in your group who want you to "remember your history" and not "act white-washed" was such an eye-opener for me. There's such a struggle there to fit into your "community" but even within that community there are huge differences as in the white community. Also I realized that oftentimes I come into class taking it for granted that the professor is going to listen to what I have to say but these students have to come in and professors automatically assume that they are only there because of affirmative action policies. Then one guy in my class said that for him he has such a conflict of identities because he is a black gay male, and in a community of hypermasculinity he is often confronted with homophobia from men that should be considered part of his community. Which leads me to wonder, does this sense of community really exist? Just because someone is white or black or gay or whatever... is that really all there is? I think we're just people who are different and this whole idea of community is fluid. I think it's possible a person could be a part of several communities and may not feel like they are a part of any of them.

I thought what was revealed by the white students was just as interesting as what was revealed by the minority students. After going round and round in discussion I think we finally hit on why we are all just avoid talking about race or thinking about race. I think for the most part, all of the students said that because white history is littered with oppression of so many different types of people we hate to tie ourselves to that history because then we would have a share of the guilt and the blame. I think someone said it really eloquently: "There isn't really any group that benefit from prejudice and oppression in the long run. Sure in the short run it might seem that way but there are always people in the group who feel responsible and guilty later even if they disagreed with it to begin with. So no one escapes feeling hurt the prejudice causes." Maybe white people are afraid to talk about race because they don't want to take responsibility. But I know in my case I am just so afraid that I will accidentally say something that will add on to the damage and hurt that's already been done.

Another point I brought up (which caused alot of tension, even though I had the best intentions by the statement) was how alot of times I have wished I was a part of a minority group just because I feel ashamed of being white. I guess when I first found out about slavery and the Civil War I just felt so guilty, like it was my fault. Then when I found out my family was German I was excited because I had a different, more interesting, heritage to cling to. Then came 5th grade history class and I learned that the Germans were responsible for murdering millions of Jews. Then I didn't want to be a part of that heritage either. And I think alot of white people feel that way. We do have backgrounds and heritage but their all rooted in oppressing other people so what good is that? But apparently this did not settle well with the other students because, as one student said, "Do you think I like have a heritage of always having to struggle for something?" Point taken. The thing is, it's good to remember your history. But let's try to leave the past in the past and make a new history. I just remember vividly I had this moment where I didn't see anyone but I just felt their presence as people (this might get corny), and I just though about how much of our human experience is influenced by our outside appearance. If I had been born a different race I am sure who I am would change drastically. But I think that realization that when it comes down to it we are all humans with human emotions is important to understanding each other.

Ok so. I know that was long. But I have more.

I've realized in the past week or so why I haven't had fun in college. I think I spend so much time just trying to find a group that I fit into that I tend to not be myself. It's like the only time I can be myself is when I am alone or with a couple of my close friends. I'm still so lost on who Liza is that I can't even find friends who I can be myself around. I mean the people I hang out with now on campus are all fantastic people. The main reason why I am friends with them is because they are the people I wish I could be. I wish I could be a strong Christian. I believe that God is out there, but having a relationship with the creator of the universe? Sounds intimidating. I can't even talk to the hot guy who is studying in the CLC across from me. How could I ever talk to the God of all creation? Not only that but I am a relationship avoider. And I had a self-epiphany today on why that is. I don't want to have any obligations to anyone and so I avoid relationships because then I would be accountable to that person. I would have to explain my feelings. I would have to stop being selfish. I would have to put that person above myself. And to be honest, as much as this self realization is hurtful and I want to change, I can't honestly say that I ever will. I want to have deep meaningful relationships but my will for self-preservation and my deep fear of vulnerability prevents me from having them.

Anyways I think I am done being deep and emotional now. Thanks for reading.

A Little Clarification

I suppose after my first blog, "Social Identity", I may have left some readers with the wrong impression. I understand that as a white person (or European-American) in society that I have been given several privileges, some of which I have only recently become aware of. For example, the other day I was at the mall waiting in line to buy a dress and the cashier ignored the Asian girl standing in front of me. I had to point out to her that the other girl had been waiting in line before me. I don't know if she consciously had decided to serve me first or if she just hadn't noticed the other girl but either way, I think this could definitely qualify as one situation where I was given the benefit of "white privilege".

While I do understand that racism is very pervasive in our society, I am also afraid that by creating these collectivist groups centered on racial or ethnic pride that we may very well be perpetuating the things we are fighting against. Furthermore, I sometimes wonder if it is fair that other people get to celebrate their heritage but I am unable to celebrate mine without seeming like some kind of xenophobic bigot. I think the point of accepting different ethnicities is in accepting everyone's ethnicity. Maybe that is too much of an idealistic goal but I think that we will have to work together to break down stereotypes, and part of the way we do that is by fostering inter-group dialogue. How can we understand another group's culture if we never talk about it? If we constantly live in a hypersensitive society, we will never learn how to reconcile our differences or realize our similarities.

Although I hate UROP, I sometimes find really interesting things that make the project almost worth the several hours I put into it. This past week I found an interesting video made by Will.I.Am of the Black-Eyed Peas that uses clips from Senator Obama's New Hampshire speech. I think my favorite part of the entire video is when John Legend sings in accompaniment to Obama:

"We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. They will only grow louder and more dissonant. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about our hope."
[emphasis added]

I think this is a fantastic message, and one of the many reasons I hope Senator Obama wins the Democratic nominee for President.