Thank goodness it is only a few more weeks. I am going to be sad to leave my family (since I see them so little as it is) but being back in the suburbs is almost more than I can bear. First off, there are no coffee shops (Cafe Ambrosia how I long for thee...) and I have no car so I must stay at home all day and clean, do laundry, cook, and (more often than not) catch up on the several novels I have yet to read. Every day is one step closer to becoming Julia Child, although at least she was a spy.
I figured out another problem with my writing habits. Whenever I want to write something, I don't have anything to write in or with. Then when I sit down to write I can never figure out how to express what it is I want to say. I decided I would spend a few tonight working on a draft of my story for the advanced creative fiction class I want to get into next fall, but instead I am sitting here rearranging my blog and typing utter nonsense. I think that if someone wanted to they could use this as a casebook example of my entire life.
Today while I was asphyxiating in my suburban monotony, I started to read Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I was first tempted to read the novel after seeing Serendipity a couple of years ago but never got around to it, until now. There are two major beefs I have with this novel. First of all, it is nearly a 400 page book and it has only 5 chapters. I really hate books with long chapters because you never feel like you can just set it down. So I have to trudge through 75 pages in one sitting which is a total nightmare if you are borderline-ADHD like me. Secondly, I don't understand why Marquez makes Florentino look like a saint for his almost psychotic infatuation with Fermina. If I was her, I would have freaked out and married a doctor too.
Which brings me to a new thought I have concerning dating and relationships in general. Is it really a good idea to show people how much you feel up front? My brother and I were discussing this today and he was saying how he hates when girls play hard to get because then he never knows if they like him or are just stringing him along. But I hate it when a guy lets me know that he is interested too quickly because it is so much more exciting when you don't know. I mean eventually I would want to know but not at first, not at the beginning. And I certainly wouldn't want him to sit outside my window serenading me with a waltz he had composed on the violin titled, "The Crowned Goddess". Woah. Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve.
The basic underpinning to this is, as much as I like watching "chick flicks"or reading about people falling in love, open displays of affection and love are awkward for me. Sometimes I feel fake when I tell someone "I love you". Not always, but sometimes. I feel like my other actions, such as spending time with that person or engaging in meaningful conversations should be enough to show that I do really care about them without all the physical formalities or me actually expressing "I love you". I never felt that I needed other people to say these things to me because I could tell enough from their body language and their actions if what they said really matched what they were feeling. It's the simplest way to know if someone cares. If they love you, they will call you to see how you are doing. They will drop everything if you come into the room just to talk. When you look like you are having a bad day they will say something to cheer you up or ask you to do something to divert your attention. Oftentimes in our society we just say "I love you" because it is so much easier and less time-consuming than showing it, which, sadly, really lowers the face value of those three words.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
My First B
I went to Wolverine Access today to check my grades and I finally made my first B. Well, if you want to get technical, it was a B+. But still, I was a little sad. Although I can't say I wasn't expecting it, since it was in French and I have been struggling in that class this semester. Everything else came out alright and I am still waiting to find out the outcome in History.
I really miss school, and I have only been home for 3 days, which is quite sad if you think about it. But in Ann Arbor I feel like I finally had a rhythm, a routine, something that has been lacking my life for some time now. I knew what was going on each day of the week, I knew where to find people if I wanted to hang out, I knew that no matter what time of the day it was, if I was hungry there was probably somewhere open and someone who would want to go (usually Alex). It's not that I don't like being around my family, its just that everything is different now and so I am forced to come up with a new routine and like most other people, I am a creature of habit and this is difficult for me.
I realized today how the late-night Wendy's and Pizza House have been taking a toll on my overall fitness. I went running today with my brother in Bowie Nature Park and I barely made it 1.5 miles before I started walking. Granted, it was 90 degrees and mostly uphill, but still, I was able to run the perimeter trail (4.8 miles) in February and now I can barely make it to the halfway point. I think I am going to dedicate the next few weeks to conquering that trail (and my burgeoning waistline).
Other than that I haven't been doing a whole lot except reading. I think I finally understand what Alex was talking to me about the other day of having a higher concept. Now I just need to come up with a good one. I think my gay-pride parade story might be a good one to start with but it still needs some work. With any luck, the A I made in 223 and a good short story could get me into the Advanced Creative Writing class with Peter Ho Davies. Although, then I would have to convince my mother into paying for my stay for an extra year....
I really miss school, and I have only been home for 3 days, which is quite sad if you think about it. But in Ann Arbor I feel like I finally had a rhythm, a routine, something that has been lacking my life for some time now. I knew what was going on each day of the week, I knew where to find people if I wanted to hang out, I knew that no matter what time of the day it was, if I was hungry there was probably somewhere open and someone who would want to go (usually Alex). It's not that I don't like being around my family, its just that everything is different now and so I am forced to come up with a new routine and like most other people, I am a creature of habit and this is difficult for me.
I realized today how the late-night Wendy's and Pizza House have been taking a toll on my overall fitness. I went running today with my brother in Bowie Nature Park and I barely made it 1.5 miles before I started walking. Granted, it was 90 degrees and mostly uphill, but still, I was able to run the perimeter trail (4.8 miles) in February and now I can barely make it to the halfway point. I think I am going to dedicate the next few weeks to conquering that trail (and my burgeoning waistline).
Other than that I haven't been doing a whole lot except reading. I think I finally understand what Alex was talking to me about the other day of having a higher concept. Now I just need to come up with a good one. I think my gay-pride parade story might be a good one to start with but it still needs some work. With any luck, the A I made in 223 and a good short story could get me into the Advanced Creative Writing class with Peter Ho Davies. Although, then I would have to convince my mother into paying for my stay for an extra year....
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
They Call Me The Intimidator
Alright, well not really. But they should.
Last night was our IM championship game in mini-soccer. We won and now are proud owners of the lovely baby blue championship t-shirt but in the process of said victory I accidentally broke the nose of a girl on the opposing team. If we had been losing I might have been slightly (although internally) rejoicing but since we were already up 8 points it seemed like I was just being a jerk. It was totally accidental though. It just seems that no matter who I am playing against in soccer, I always end up hurting someone. I like to attribute it to my big-girl build (hey, it's got to be good for something, right?)
I'm just now starting to hear back from D.C. offices on the status of my internships. So far I've been turned down by the National Legislative Archives and have an interview with the University of Michigan governmental office. I'm not sure what I will be doing there exactly but I am thinking it's a sure job since I am a UofM student and they love having students on staff. I'm still holding out for an internship with the congressional office I applied to, although I am thinking my chances are fairly slim.
Tonight at dinner I had an interesting conversation with Alex. Let's just say it ended with him drawing an anatomically incorrect labia with strawberry sauce on a napkin. Priceless, and somewhat disgusting at the same time.
Last night was our IM championship game in mini-soccer. We won and now are proud owners of the lovely baby blue championship t-shirt but in the process of said victory I accidentally broke the nose of a girl on the opposing team. If we had been losing I might have been slightly (although internally) rejoicing but since we were already up 8 points it seemed like I was just being a jerk. It was totally accidental though. It just seems that no matter who I am playing against in soccer, I always end up hurting someone. I like to attribute it to my big-girl build (hey, it's got to be good for something, right?)
I'm just now starting to hear back from D.C. offices on the status of my internships. So far I've been turned down by the National Legislative Archives and have an interview with the University of Michigan governmental office. I'm not sure what I will be doing there exactly but I am thinking it's a sure job since I am a UofM student and they love having students on staff. I'm still holding out for an internship with the congressional office I applied to, although I am thinking my chances are fairly slim.
Tonight at dinner I had an interesting conversation with Alex. Let's just say it ended with him drawing an anatomically incorrect labia with strawberry sauce on a napkin. Priceless, and somewhat disgusting at the same time.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Good to See You
It's always a good feeling when you are thinking about someone and suddenly you see them and they give you this huge smile that lets you know they were thinking about you too.
=)
=)
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Internal Conflict
For the past few hours I thought that this odd tight feeling in my chest was due to the immense amount of homework and papers I have due in the next week. But after a working on some assignments I am realizing that this feeling is caused by a much larger issue...
So today in my RA class (see previous posts) we had to separate in groups based on whether we considered ourselves white and non-white. Then we did this activity called "Fishbowl" where one group sat in the middle and talked while the other group sat on the outside and observed. Have you ever had one of those moments that is so powerful that you just know that from now on your life is going to be completely changed? I guess for me I always thought it would be cool to be a minority group because you are automatically a part of a community. But hearing my peers talk about cliques, class, and the struggle to succeed while being held back by other people in your group who want you to "remember your history" and not "act white-washed" was such an eye-opener for me. There's such a struggle there to fit into your "community" but even within that community there are huge differences as in the white community. Also I realized that oftentimes I come into class taking it for granted that the professor is going to listen to what I have to say but these students have to come in and professors automatically assume that they are only there because of affirmative action policies. Then one guy in my class said that for him he has such a conflict of identities because he is a black gay male, and in a community of hypermasculinity he is often confronted with homophobia from men that should be considered part of his community. Which leads me to wonder, does this sense of community really exist? Just because someone is white or black or gay or whatever... is that really all there is? I think we're just people who are different and this whole idea of community is fluid. I think it's possible a person could be a part of several communities and may not feel like they are a part of any of them.
I thought what was revealed by the white students was just as interesting as what was revealed by the minority students. After going round and round in discussion I think we finally hit on why we are all just avoid talking about race or thinking about race. I think for the most part, all of the students said that because white history is littered with oppression of so many different types of people we hate to tie ourselves to that history because then we would have a share of the guilt and the blame. I think someone said it really eloquently: "There isn't really any group that benefit from prejudice and oppression in the long run. Sure in the short run it might seem that way but there are always people in the group who feel responsible and guilty later even if they disagreed with it to begin with. So no one escapes feeling hurt the prejudice causes." Maybe white people are afraid to talk about race because they don't want to take responsibility. But I know in my case I am just so afraid that I will accidentally say something that will add on to the damage and hurt that's already been done.
Another point I brought up (which caused alot of tension, even though I had the best intentions by the statement) was how alot of times I have wished I was a part of a minority group just because I feel ashamed of being white. I guess when I first found out about slavery and the Civil War I just felt so guilty, like it was my fault. Then when I found out my family was German I was excited because I had a different, more interesting, heritage to cling to. Then came 5th grade history class and I learned that the Germans were responsible for murdering millions of Jews. Then I didn't want to be a part of that heritage either. And I think alot of white people feel that way. We do have backgrounds and heritage but their all rooted in oppressing other people so what good is that? But apparently this did not settle well with the other students because, as one student said, "Do you think I like have a heritage of always having to struggle for something?" Point taken. The thing is, it's good to remember your history. But let's try to leave the past in the past and make a new history. I just remember vividly I had this moment where I didn't see anyone but I just felt their presence as people (this might get corny), and I just though about how much of our human experience is influenced by our outside appearance. If I had been born a different race I am sure who I am would change drastically. But I think that realization that when it comes down to it we are all humans with human emotions is important to understanding each other.
Ok so. I know that was long. But I have more.
I've realized in the past week or so why I haven't had fun in college. I think I spend so much time just trying to find a group that I fit into that I tend to not be myself. It's like the only time I can be myself is when I am alone or with a couple of my close friends. I'm still so lost on who Liza is that I can't even find friends who I can be myself around. I mean the people I hang out with now on campus are all fantastic people. The main reason why I am friends with them is because they are the people I wish I could be. I wish I could be a strong Christian. I believe that God is out there, but having a relationship with the creator of the universe? Sounds intimidating. I can't even talk to the hot guy who is studying in the CLC across from me. How could I ever talk to the God of all creation? Not only that but I am a relationship avoider. And I had a self-epiphany today on why that is. I don't want to have any obligations to anyone and so I avoid relationships because then I would be accountable to that person. I would have to explain my feelings. I would have to stop being selfish. I would have to put that person above myself. And to be honest, as much as this self realization is hurtful and I want to change, I can't honestly say that I ever will. I want to have deep meaningful relationships but my will for self-preservation and my deep fear of vulnerability prevents me from having them.
Anyways I think I am done being deep and emotional now. Thanks for reading.
So today in my RA class (see previous posts) we had to separate in groups based on whether we considered ourselves white and non-white. Then we did this activity called "Fishbowl" where one group sat in the middle and talked while the other group sat on the outside and observed. Have you ever had one of those moments that is so powerful that you just know that from now on your life is going to be completely changed? I guess for me I always thought it would be cool to be a minority group because you are automatically a part of a community. But hearing my peers talk about cliques, class, and the struggle to succeed while being held back by other people in your group who want you to "remember your history" and not "act white-washed" was such an eye-opener for me. There's such a struggle there to fit into your "community" but even within that community there are huge differences as in the white community. Also I realized that oftentimes I come into class taking it for granted that the professor is going to listen to what I have to say but these students have to come in and professors automatically assume that they are only there because of affirmative action policies. Then one guy in my class said that for him he has such a conflict of identities because he is a black gay male, and in a community of hypermasculinity he is often confronted with homophobia from men that should be considered part of his community. Which leads me to wonder, does this sense of community really exist? Just because someone is white or black or gay or whatever... is that really all there is? I think we're just people who are different and this whole idea of community is fluid. I think it's possible a person could be a part of several communities and may not feel like they are a part of any of them.
I thought what was revealed by the white students was just as interesting as what was revealed by the minority students. After going round and round in discussion I think we finally hit on why we are all just avoid talking about race or thinking about race. I think for the most part, all of the students said that because white history is littered with oppression of so many different types of people we hate to tie ourselves to that history because then we would have a share of the guilt and the blame. I think someone said it really eloquently: "There isn't really any group that benefit from prejudice and oppression in the long run. Sure in the short run it might seem that way but there are always people in the group who feel responsible and guilty later even if they disagreed with it to begin with. So no one escapes feeling hurt the prejudice causes." Maybe white people are afraid to talk about race because they don't want to take responsibility. But I know in my case I am just so afraid that I will accidentally say something that will add on to the damage and hurt that's already been done.
Another point I brought up (which caused alot of tension, even though I had the best intentions by the statement) was how alot of times I have wished I was a part of a minority group just because I feel ashamed of being white. I guess when I first found out about slavery and the Civil War I just felt so guilty, like it was my fault. Then when I found out my family was German I was excited because I had a different, more interesting, heritage to cling to. Then came 5th grade history class and I learned that the Germans were responsible for murdering millions of Jews. Then I didn't want to be a part of that heritage either. And I think alot of white people feel that way. We do have backgrounds and heritage but their all rooted in oppressing other people so what good is that? But apparently this did not settle well with the other students because, as one student said, "Do you think I like have a heritage of always having to struggle for something?" Point taken. The thing is, it's good to remember your history. But let's try to leave the past in the past and make a new history. I just remember vividly I had this moment where I didn't see anyone but I just felt their presence as people (this might get corny), and I just though about how much of our human experience is influenced by our outside appearance. If I had been born a different race I am sure who I am would change drastically. But I think that realization that when it comes down to it we are all humans with human emotions is important to understanding each other.
Ok so. I know that was long. But I have more.
I've realized in the past week or so why I haven't had fun in college. I think I spend so much time just trying to find a group that I fit into that I tend to not be myself. It's like the only time I can be myself is when I am alone or with a couple of my close friends. I'm still so lost on who Liza is that I can't even find friends who I can be myself around. I mean the people I hang out with now on campus are all fantastic people. The main reason why I am friends with them is because they are the people I wish I could be. I wish I could be a strong Christian. I believe that God is out there, but having a relationship with the creator of the universe? Sounds intimidating. I can't even talk to the hot guy who is studying in the CLC across from me. How could I ever talk to the God of all creation? Not only that but I am a relationship avoider. And I had a self-epiphany today on why that is. I don't want to have any obligations to anyone and so I avoid relationships because then I would be accountable to that person. I would have to explain my feelings. I would have to stop being selfish. I would have to put that person above myself. And to be honest, as much as this self realization is hurtful and I want to change, I can't honestly say that I ever will. I want to have deep meaningful relationships but my will for self-preservation and my deep fear of vulnerability prevents me from having them.
Anyways I think I am done being deep and emotional now. Thanks for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)