Gypsy

I am sitting here waiting on my roomate from last year to give me a call so we can go out on the town for St.Patrick's day. Since last year I have definitely cut back on my partying ways but it seems that this weekend has been a little crazy. Last night I went bowling with some friends but afterwards I was in a weird mood so I met up with Sam and Yuan on Main Street where we had some dessert and martinis. I suppose they didn't card me because 1) I look over 21 and 2) If you're going to spend $16 on martinis then you deserve to be there. That was a pretty fun experience (fizzing pomegranate martinis are my new favorite drink, in case you want to buy me one for my real 21st) but afterwards I still didn't feel any better. Which lead to me to question why after almost an entire year at Michigan I still don't feel any better than I did at Drew. I mean, last year at this point my only thought was that once I was at Michigan life would be better. I would be happy, I would have a ton of girlfriends, and (hopefully) an amazingly smart and attractive boyfriend. But none of that has really happened. And I have to wonder if it's just me or if its just time to pick up and move again.

I don't know if moving would necessarily be the answer. Any time I feel out of place or unhappy I just move again. I'm not entirely sure if this gypsy wandering will ever really bring me to where I want to be or if it will just serve to make me more lost, but the past few nights I have been considering staying in DC for the fall semester for the Michigan in Washington program or going to France.

Its not that I am incapable of making friends. I think I am just more guarded than the average person. I'm not really sure what happened to make me become this way, because I know I was like this well before I started dating Jeff. I've just never trusted people in general, and I think I am terrified that they are just going to let me down or that I will become an "inconvenience" or something which is totally stupid because I think in general people enjoy my company. Maybe because I feel this way I don't act like myself around other people. On Friday, Ricki told me that I had two personalities. He said when I was at work I was crazy and fun to be around and laughed a lot but when he saw me around I always looks upset or sad. I thought that was an interesting (and accurate) observation.

Anyways. Enough about that.

I had to turn in my first scene of my play this week. I tried to be funny... I don't think I am good at doing funny but I think it turned out alright. I tried to write a parody on the debate on whether or not a national health care program would cover smokers. In my play the national health care program decides not to cover people who eat meat... Alex said I should make it a society that didn't allow people to have sex but when I tried to write out the dialogue to that scene I realized how incredibly embarrassed I would be to have it work shopped in class. Maybe some other time, Sasha. I''m not sure how to upload files onto this thing but if I find a way I will upload it so you can have a read.

Also, I am pretty much set on going to D.C. this summer. I thought for awhile about doing LT through my church but I don't know if I am ready for that just yet. I think my phobia to relational commitments has transcended human relationships. I think God understands. Hopefully, even though I am applying for internships rather late, I will get a job offer. I think I am pretty much guaranteed a job at the UofM lobbying office in DC which could be fun, but I'm hoping I'll get one of the foreign policy jobs I am applying for. Maybe I will also find a guy who aspires to be a famous politician... but then again, maybe I don't want to date the next Elliot Spitzer.


**Side Note for My Social Psych Class**
Today I went to Asian Legend with Sam and Yuan, and the waiter gave me a fork and knife "just in case". I think it was really because he assumed I couldn't use chopsticks but it gave Sam and Yuan a laugh at my expense, especially when I tried rather awkwardly with my chopsticks to eat two potstickers at once. =]

Succesful Jean Shopping

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that the one thing I absolutely HATE to shop for is jeans (a close second is shopping for formal wear but that doesn't occur nearly as often). Today I went to the mall in search of a pair of jeans, expecting it to take me a good 3 to 4 hours, but I managed to find a pair that was 1) on sale, 2) favorite style, and 3) a size smaller than I usually buy. 1 alone would have been enough to have my jumping for joy, since the past two times I have been shopping for jeans I have spent close to $90 on one pair. But I think I was most excited about the size. Since eleventh grade I have wavered consistently at a size 12/14. This was the summer after my strange strep epidemic that left me 30 pounds heavier and has been a pain in the butt to work off. The last time I was wearing a size 10 was when I was a sophomore, so this was pretty exciting (I know, not a huge size difference but still, it makes me optimistic).

I know this was not a heavily intellectual post, so sorry if I wasted your time. But if you had nearly the trouble I have had with jean shopping (i.e. almost having an emotional breakdown at the Buckle) you would understand =]

A Little Clarification

I suppose after my first blog, "Social Identity", I may have left some readers with the wrong impression. I understand that as a white person (or European-American) in society that I have been given several privileges, some of which I have only recently become aware of. For example, the other day I was at the mall waiting in line to buy a dress and the cashier ignored the Asian girl standing in front of me. I had to point out to her that the other girl had been waiting in line before me. I don't know if she consciously had decided to serve me first or if she just hadn't noticed the other girl but either way, I think this could definitely qualify as one situation where I was given the benefit of "white privilege".

While I do understand that racism is very pervasive in our society, I am also afraid that by creating these collectivist groups centered on racial or ethnic pride that we may very well be perpetuating the things we are fighting against. Furthermore, I sometimes wonder if it is fair that other people get to celebrate their heritage but I am unable to celebrate mine without seeming like some kind of xenophobic bigot. I think the point of accepting different ethnicities is in accepting everyone's ethnicity. Maybe that is too much of an idealistic goal but I think that we will have to work together to break down stereotypes, and part of the way we do that is by fostering inter-group dialogue. How can we understand another group's culture if we never talk about it? If we constantly live in a hypersensitive society, we will never learn how to reconcile our differences or realize our similarities.

Although I hate UROP, I sometimes find really interesting things that make the project almost worth the several hours I put into it. This past week I found an interesting video made by Will.I.Am of the Black-Eyed Peas that uses clips from Senator Obama's New Hampshire speech. I think my favorite part of the entire video is when John Legend sings in accompaniment to Obama:

"We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. They will only grow louder and more dissonant. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about our hope."
[emphasis added]

I think this is a fantastic message, and one of the many reasons I hope Senator Obama wins the Democratic nominee for President.

I Hate UROP (And Other Non-Epiphanies)

I have spent the last 4 hours in the CLC working on my UROP project. It's not that my project isn't interesting. Finding out what songs Millard Fillmore used for his Presidential Campaign really gets me going. No, it's not the lack of interest. It's the lack of actual work that needs to be done. First of all, most of the songs that I need to get to are located in a collection in the Clements Library. In order to look at this sheet music I have to come between the hours of 1-4 in the afternoon, and I usually have class. I have tried to find some of these songs online but due to copyright laws I can't find any of the lyrics. So I usually spend about 45 to 50 minutes doing actual work and the rest of the time I fiddle around on Youtube and Barely Political finding funny music videos for the 2008 elections, which is way more interesting than Fillmore. Maybe one day I can be like Alex's friend from Stanford who gets people to pay for her to talk about rocks. Except I can talk about Presidential Campaign Songs. I don't think there are to many people out there studying it since I can find NO resources on the topic.

I had this really strange dream last night that my dog came to visit me for a week and I was so busy with exams and writing papers that I forgot to feed her and she died. It was a really depressing dream. It's after I have dreams like that that I wish I wasn't such a vivid dreamer. But, as I recalled this dream at breakfast over a vanilla-cinnamon bagel I thought maybe God was trying to send me a message that I was neglecting something. I am not sure if it is my family, my friends, myself, or my relationship with him. Things like that are too complex to think about over bagels.

Social Identity

The one thing I hate the most about University of Michigan (besides the freakishly cold winters) is that they only provide need based financial aid. According to the government, my family does not fall into this "need-based" category, so I am left paying the $40,000 yearly tuition. So, thinking I would try to save some money I decided to apply to be a Resident Adviser. I got in, but now I have to take this Psychology class on Social Identity.

Taking this class has made me realize one thing. First off, prior to coming to college I have had limited to no experience with people of a different ethnicity than my own. I suppose since I grew up in the little white bubble of Fairview, Tennessee that it was easy for me to pretend racism didn't exist. How could it? Everyone there looked just like me. So now when I have to read all of these articles about "white oppression" I get angry. I can't consciously remember a time when I have said or done something racist. But I sure can remember several times when me being white has affected my chances at getting into school, getting an internship, or receiving a scholarship. How come there are no articles about that? And why do I get labeled "white" when everyone else gets cool hyphenated names like "Asian-American" or "African-American". From now on, I want to be known as "European-American", not white.

I think I have figured out what I am going to do this summer if the internship opportunity in D.C. falls through. There are two options. Option 1 is to go to Leadership Training for New Life. I think this could be a fun trip but would leave me in some debt at the end of the summer. Option 2 is to spend the summer building a writing portfolio of short stories for the Oleander Review and the Hopwood Awards next summer, and possibly sending some out for scholarships. And I could work part-time at Starbucks or Borders. I am thinking Option 2 sounds like a better idea right now, mainly because I am broke and I think my dad would like to have a girl living in the house again.