Another Pragmatic Visionary

New Years Resolution #1 - Stop Looking For Love

2012-01-11T11:40:00.004-06:00

I know I don't really write in here ever, if at all. One of my great sources of frustration with myself is that I am terrible at completing projects. I will begin something with good intentions, but inevitably I get distracted with school work and other obligations. Anyway I thought I would update you all on law school stuff since some of you have been sending me emails inquiring how it was going.

I would say overall last semester was definitely better than all of 1L year. I got to pick out my classes and I was interested in most of them. I also adopted a dog and my sister came to live with me for a couple of months, so it was fun to have people around at home. My parents bought a new house in Holland, MI in October, and its been really nice having them close enough to visit on the weekends. In fact, I am going back over there this weekend to pick up my dog, Pumpkin, and to visit since I have a 4 day weekend this week.

Last semester I finally felt like I was ready to start dating again, but it was definitely not what I had expected. On the plus side, I went out on dates with about 12 different guys, so I definitely learned what to do and what not to do on first dates. I think this is probably useful to know generally in just talking with new people, and I definitely feel more comfortable doing that now. What I hadn't expected was how much I let my feelings and emotions be affected when someone I was dating didn't work out. There were some guys that I genuinely felt like I had a great connection with, and then they would decide not to call me back. There was one I was interested in but his over-interest ended up pushing me away, because I felt that he was looking for ideal or for the person he thought I was, and not really seeing me for me. Then there was a guy who I dated for about a month and a conversation break down over text messaging (I texted but he never got it, I assumed he ignored me and he assumed I did not return feelings for him) ended things rather abruptly.

The positive to all of this is I am quickly learning what NOT to do. I also realized that part of my frustration was due to the fact that I was LOOKING for someone. When my sister came to live with me she put a sign on my fridge, that had a bunch of little mantras on it. One of the quotes really stuck out to me though:

If you are looking for love, STOP. It will find you once you start doing the things that you love.

Anyway, I am trying to live by that mantra this semester, and to try to do more of the things I never seem to have time for because I am always going out with friends to different social events / bars in the attempt to meet someone, and then getting frustrated when it doesn't work out. For example, this evening some friends asked me out for Bluegrass night, and normally I would love to go (I actually seemed to have started a tradition here at Michigan Law, and now Wednesday nights are Bluegrass nights). However, I have acapella group from 8-10, and I am trying to go to bed early so I have time to do yoga / running in the mornings, which is something that always makes me feel less stressed and anxious but I never seem to have time to do.

It's been really hard even over the past couple of weeks to do this, as most of the time in law school I feel really lonely. This isn't just because I am single (I've mostly come to terms with this, and actually appreciate the time its given me to create better relationships with my friends & family) but because it seems like many of my friends are moving away. My sister got a new job in Grand Rapids, and so now I no longer have a roommate to hang out with, go out to dinner with, or just sit around and cook dinner and catch up on our favorite tv shows. My friend Nona just moved to Arizona with her boyfriend, and even though we didn't hang out as much this past semester she was one of the few people I could rely on to always be there if I called and needed a friend. My other good friend Mike is taking 18 credit hours this semester and will be graduating in May. All in all, I am starting to realize that many of the relationships that I have spent years building and nurturing are changing as people move away to find work or as they graduate school. It's made me realize more how little time and effort I put into my friendships here at school.

I guess today more than ever I felt very lonely. I went to go eat in the Commons (a student lounge with a cafe) before it got crowded but I must not have gotten there early enough because about 15 minutes into eating my salad I was sorrounded by a bunch of other students. They were all friends and talking, and I felt entirely invisible. I really wanted to try and strike up conversation, but it's intimidating when there's 7 people who all know each other well, and then you, the stranger. In any case, it's left me feeling out of sorts and feeling a little down, but I know I'll probably be feeling fine again tomorrow. Maybe my next resolution should be to try to make new friends =)

Your Decisions Mean You're the One Responsible.

2011-04-01T21:44:00.004-05:00

"No one takes my life from me. I give my life of my own free will. I have the authority to give my life, and I have the authority to take my life back again." - John 10:18.

Today was a very odd day. I went to bed last night in a weird mood (read: drunk) with the feeling that I hated this town and I shouldn't have stayed here for law school. As I walked back from the bar I was having an angry inner dialogue with myself, of how I let everyone else convince me into attending law school, that I never wanted to do this and I just did it to make everyone else proud of me. So as I drifted of to sleep I told myself that in the morning I was leaving this town and I wasn't going to come back (at least not until I figured out what my next move would be.)

I woke up this morning in a rush, because I had to do a practice negotiation for my Legal Practice class, but the last thing I wanted to do was have a fake negotiation with my group members when I was already fighting an internal battle with myself of whether or not I even wanted to continue on in law school. But I sucked it up and made it through. Afterwards I stopped by the Dean's office to talk to someone about my options but everyone was gone because it is Preview weekend which means all the prospective students are in town to tour the law school. So instead I went to the University counseling office just because I felt like I needed to tell someone I was planning on leaving school. I guess I thought they would somehow stop me. Instead the counselor (Joy!) listened to me blubber on and on about how I hated law school and I was only here because everyone else told me how great it was I got in and I didn't want to disappoint all of them. Then she looked at me and said:

"You have the control to make the decisions that make you happy, and no one else can make those for you. It sounds like you are afraid to make your own decisions because you are worried that everyone will be upset with you. But you need to focus on making the choices that make you happy, and if law school's not it then don't feel like you have to keep doing it for everyone else."

After I left her office I went home and decided to pack up my car and head home to Tennessee. I knew I wanted to go far away from Ann Arbor, but I wanted to go somewhere I could be alone and my house is currently sitting empty while my Dad is here visiting my mom. I decided that just in case I would bring a couple of casebooks and maybe think about outlining while I was home if I changed my mind. I then grabbed my phone and a charger and started driving.

Driving is a really good time to think, and I definitely had a lot to think about. My whole life I've felt like I was pushed into making certain decisions, because I was worried what everyone else would think if I didn't do it. I've convinced myself all this time that I could be happy if only everyone else would let me make my own choices and do the things I wanted to do. I started feeling really angry with everyone in my life, and I became more resolved in my decision to leave law school.

Its weird though, once I made that decision I felt the full responsibility of the consequences that would come with it. I knew it would mean finding a new job, figuring out who would take over my lease, canceling my financial aid requests for the next year, and answering a whole lot of questions. But I also realized something else -- in every other point in my life I HAD made all of my own choices. My choice to go to U-M over University of Tennessee, my choice to go to law school -- these were all MY choices. No one MADE me do it, it was just much easier for me to accept them by pushing off all the consequences and responsibilities of those decisions on to someone else and blaming them for my own unhappiness.

At this moment I decided to stop at a gas station in the middle of Ohio. I had been on the road for a little over 2 hours at this point and I was exhausted and hungover. I went in to use the bathroom and grab something to drink and I realized I had to decide whether or not I was going to keep running away from the consequences of my decision to go to law school and blame everyone else, or finally admit that I made this choice knowing full well that the first year would be the worst and face the fact that I still had a hell-storm of finals to return to once I got back.

I went back out to my car and sat there for a few minutes weighing this idea in my head. Going back meant I would have to face all of my internal demons - the ones saying I was incompetent and bound to fail. When it wasn't my choice, I knew I could blame any failures on other people - I could point and say "well you made me do it, I knew I wasn't cut out for it!" But if I went back, I became accountable to myself. If I failed, it was my fault.

Many people have a fear of public speaking, or heights, or spiders. Mine is failing. I've worked so hard my whole life to seem put together, smart, driven, and ambitious. But I am always terrified that at any moment I will fail and everyone will see I am a faker. That I'm not that great, wonderful, smart, or talented. That they had overestimated my ability. It was then I realized that I had to finally face this Failure demon that I had let control my life. I had to prove to myself that I can do this, and that even if I can't I am no less of a person for failing. So I buckled up and turned around and came back to Ann Arbor.

It's my decision now. And even though when I called my sister to tell her I wimped out on my plans of driving to Tennessee and she laughed at me and said "oo girl you failed!" I had to smile. Because I knew the truth. I finally won.

Unbearably Average

2011-01-21T16:05:00.001-06:00

Got my grades back for another class and the results are in:

I am an unbearably average 1L.

On the positive side, I have a life!

Legally Liza

2010-10-14T13:20:00.008-05:00

My friend A.M. was in town this weekend and found it amusing to refer to me as "Legally Liza" every time he had the opportunity. The truth is, I've completed only half a semester of law school and I still feel like maybe I am here illegally. Pretty soon ICE is going to come and deport me back to undergrad.

Being in law school is like returning to high school. We have lockers. We have class together with the same group of people. I've had to return to using my backpack, because I am no longer just carrying around paperback versions of the Iliad or Uncle Tom's Cabin but 1,000+ page casebooks, notebooks, supplements, and 20 highlighters of varying colors. On any given day, it probably weighs close to 50 pounds. I have a lunchbox. And because we are around each other all day every day, there is gossip. Lots of it.

Don't get me wrong, most of the time I LOVE Law school. I like reading the opinions, figuring out the rules of law that apply, and trying to guess the ending before I get there. I like how after I finish underlining all the relevant things in the case in my color-coded strategy that it looks like a rainbow of information. I like how my professors make jibes at us if we are unprepared, and continue to find ways to make us laugh at ourselves and the material. I think that without this humor (and the fear that I will get called on and ridiculed), I would fall asleep in every class.

And that's probably what I was most unprepared for. I spend roughly 15 hours a day in class or reading. I typically go to bed at 1:30 or 2, and wake up at 7:00. Thursday and Friday get a little better, but for the most part its grueling schedule. Before I was to lazy to make a pot of coffee, but now it's the first thing I do every morning. Yesterday I bought 3 12-packs of diet coke so that I have some variety in my caffeine intake. The other thing I was unprepared for was the extreme loneliness that haunts you every day. Studying law is not really best done in groups. Its done alone, in your cubicle, surrounded by books. Luckily I have great classmates that plan some social events to break up this monotony, but usually I am alone. For an extremely sociable person like me, it's my equivalent of hell.

The other life-saving thing about law school is my acapella group, Headnotes. Its the one thing I look forward to, and we rehearse twice a week. For some reason, belting out high notes and hearing all of our voices come together in perfect harmony is a better stress-reliever than yoga. We have a few performances coming up next month and I am really excited to finally be performing again in front of people.

Although I occasionally feel upset about things, I try to remember that every transition takes time. Maybe soon I will begin to feel like I am part of this institution; but for right now I still feel like a stranger in a strange land...

Messy Spirituality

2009-12-27T22:38:00.004-06:00

I am so glad to be done with this semester. Not only does it mean I only have on more semester to go before finally finishing my undergraduate degree, but it also means a fresh start. I began this school year following a break-up of a semi-long term relationship (not my longest but still enough to actually be hurt enough when it ended) and in a huge mess spiritually, which is rather ironic considering I spent the majority of my summer attending a church retreat program. I guess after breaking up with A., we had a few conversations which were hurtful but revealing to who I am as a person. His main complaint with me was that I never opened up, never trusted him in our relationship. Now that I've had some time to reflect on that I realize that he was right in many ways, but that I did have good reasons for not opening up to him completely.

Anyways, that is in the past and not really important. After Leadership Training ended, I went home for a few weeks, hurting and angry with God. I had prayed for a long time that God would send a spiritually fulfilling relationship where we could both grow together, and before I started dating A. I feel like I prayed about it A TON and God gave the green light. So I was wondering why God had given me this relationship that was just overall not beneficial to either of us. Although I was angry with God, I still turned to him for comfort and waited to feel his presence, but I never did. Maybe I wasn't hearing him because he wasn't saying what I wanted, maybe I was pretending to be open and vulnerable but I was really being selfish, wanting to hurt on my own instead of really offering myself up and letting go of my anger. I don't really know...

After about a month of waiting and feeling neglected I returned to school and felt more bombarded spiritually then ever before. I felt that after finishing LT everyone expected me to take up leadership roles in the church, but I didn't feel like I was in a good place to be leading or directing anyone. I wasn't even sure if God was there anymore. I tried desperately to be ok with seeing A. everywhere and even tried to hang out with him and be "friends". All of that changed though when my grandfather passed away in October. He tried to be supportive but it just made me want him to be there for me in ways he couldn't be anymore, and so I told him I needed my space for awhile.

I remember the night my grandpa died sitting in bed with my grandmother, reading her Psalms and wanting to believe in all the promises of comfort and redemption but wondering to myself what the words really meant and if I could trust them. I remember sitting in the funeral home while people came up and said, "Don't worry, he's in a better place now" and not knowing if that was true. I knew he was a believer, but I couldn't even believe a place like heaven existed, and even if it did if I wanted my grandfather to be with a callous, unresponsive God like the one I was experiencing. I remember standing in the prayer annex off the church while his ashes sat in the sanctuary, the pastor praying that God would give our family comfort, the words sounding hollow in my ears.

After that I just cut myself off spiritually. I was angry, I felt alone, and when I talked to some people about it they told me I was being childish and selfish, which just made me more angry. So I quit going to church, small group, everything that reminded me of A., my grandfather, the pain, and mostly the rejection I was feeling from God. I convinced myself God is what people turn to when they can't rely on themselves, and from now on I was going to rely on myself and if I failed then that was that. No need praying to an invisible deity who may or may not be there.

I was getting really good at ignoring my emotions. Occasionally though they would come out, while having dinner with my friend Jack or talking with some of the women who were on staff with New Life. But I would remind myself later that there was no point being a baby about it. I was on my own now, and I couldn't waste time feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday night I went to church for the first time since my grandfather's funeral. It was the same church we had the funeral service at, and so it was already hard for me to be there. I felt the emotions coming so I just shut down. I closed my eyes and started to breathe and I regained composure. We sang some Christmas songs and then the Deacon started to deliver the message. I zoned out and started to look around the old church. I've always been mesmerized by the ceiling, because it's a weird square-ish shaped building but the cross-beams are uneven so it looks like a cross. I remember going to this church as a kid and spending the whole time looking at the ceiling, counting the wooden panels and trying to figure out why the room was shaped so oddly. I've had many life-changing experiences in this church, many I remember and many I don't. I was here when my parents were married (I wasn't yet born though..) and for my baptism (and my sister's, and my brother's.) It was in the fellowship room that we had a 70th birthday party for my grandfather. I was here the previous summer when my parents renewed their vows after a 9 month separation. So many memories tied to this church, it seemed inevitable that I would keep returning here again and again.

I stopped staring at the ceiling and closed my eyes again, out of tiredness but also because my mind was working too fast for me to keep up. I kept replaying this semester in my head, trying to figure out how I had become the girl who was sitting here now, emotionally detached and angry with God and my life. It would take to long to write out everything I was attempting to process but essentially I realized this:

My inability to trust the people in my life has prevented me from trusting God. Not just because I don't believe he will do what is right, but also because I am afraid he will disappoint me, because I have felt disappointed by him. Yet my perspective on life is so short-sighted, that I can not know if these disappointments are really blessing in disguise. Or if I can even be sure in what it is that I want, because I am even changing my own mind every second of every day.

I'm not saying I've figured out how to trust God. I don't know if any of us really ever do. But at least I'm one step closer to figuring it all out, or at least inasmuch as the human mind can ever attempt to understand God and the purpose of our lives.

My life as a Supermassive Black Hole.

2009-10-26T16:14:00.003-05:00

Midterms are almost over, and I have resolved that for the rest of the semester I am going to stay on top of my reading assignments so I don't end up reading them all the night before my exam. I'm almost positive I failed my midterm for my 100 level class, which will be difficult to explain to law school admission programs...

My last Letter of Recommendation should be coming in this Friday and then I can start sending out applications. So far I have received application fee waivers from everywhere but Yale, but I wasn't really expecting one from them. Heck, I really doubt I will even get in but my mother insisted that I should apply and so I will.

I'm really not sure if I want to go to law school or not yet, and I worry that sending in all of my applications will make it that much harder to say no if they offer me a great admissions package. But I can't reconcile this part of me that has always wanted to become a writer. My favorite class at U-M was my creative writing workshop, and ever since I was a young girl I would write short stories and poems in my free time. A part of me wants to be a powerful attorney and crack down on sex-trafficking and unfair labor practices, but another part of me knows I will regret not pursuing writing.

I guess for now I've just decided to turn in all of my applications and see what happens, and start hardcore praying for guidance on what to do about all of this. I'm also thinking about doing NaNoWriMo to see how I fare with writing an entire novel in one month. I'm a little worried because I am already struggling to keep up with classes this semester, but I guess my senioritis is preventing me from caring too much. Also, it's possible I could submit a part of the novel in to the creative writing department to see if I could get into the upper-level workshop next semester.

For now though, I'm trying not to let schoolwork/RA stuff / applications / life decisions suck me in to a supermassive black hole...

Caroline

2009-10-22T19:57:00.001-05:00

She played it hard and yes she played it rough
Made her feel safe and it made her feel tough
And rock by rock she built those walls everyday
Built herself a tower so far away
And from up high in that castle
She knew no one could get too close to touch
And if life and death were such a game
Why did they all make such a fuss?
And if birds could fly high over their troubles
She gonna find some of her own wings and fly
And no one could convince or pay her double
Or tell her she was too young to die

Oh Caroline, Caroline

Stay Happy

2009-09-23T22:28:00.002-05:00

I've been trying this new thing where I go a whole day without being negative. It's sort of working, except when I get around people who know me well enough to know that I'm just faking it and then I end up confessing that I'm conducting an experiment...

The idea came to me from a friend over coffee last week. We were discussing different Chinese philosophies, which inevitably lead to the discussion of Confucius. My friend noticed that I seemed to dwell a lot on all the negative things that were going on (being over-worked, not enough sleep, crumbling friendships, stress over the law school application process &c.) instead of feeling excited about life. "What you believe internally will be manifested externally", is a Confucian idea that my friend revealed to me that morning. And since then I have been trying to maintain a more positive outlook.

The problem is I seem to be stuck in a rut. I'm running the treadmill of going to classes, training for my 10-k, completing apps, and hanging out with the same people I've hung out with all of college. Not that any of this is bad, but its just so predictable that even I'M not excited about my life anymore.

So I've given myself a challenge to do at least one new thing a week. I'm tossing around the idea of blowing off this weekend's homecoming game and taking a trip to Canada for the day, or going to the Run Woodstock event in Pickney that I wanted to do but no one else was really up for. All I know is that I'm 21 years old and free to do whatever I want to do in life and I'm playing it safe. I don't want to wake up some day and regret not doing all the things I could have done now.

"It was Colonel Mustard with the Percoset in the Cabin..."

2009-08-18T19:53:00.004-05:00

This past weekend my parents went to Gatlinburg for their anniversary. Unfortunately, their cabin was broken into and they lost all of their prescription medicine as well as their laptops and ipods. They filed a police report and today the pharmacy called us to let us know that someone had been pulled over and caught with the prescription for Percoset in their car (a leftover from my brother's recent oral surgery)and a bag with my mom's bathing suit. This, after spending all afternoon buying insurance to protect our entire family from identity theft since our recent tax documents were on their laptops.

After receiving the news, we decided to go to the local Mexican restaurant, La Plaza, for my mom's birthday. We were going to tell the waiter it was my mom's birthday but she told us not to, because then they would put a giant sombrero on her head and shove flan in her face. After everything else she had been through in the past 24 hours, she could not handle having flan shoved in her face to a rousing round of "Feliz Cumpleanos" so we decided not to tell the waiter.

Halfway into dinner, (and 3 margaritas after the fact) my mother starts discussing the robbery:

Mom: "Now I'm no deductive, but I think it was an inside job"
Lauren (My sister): "Uhh... you mean detective?"
Mom: "That's what I said! Now I think what happened was the cleaning lady told Colonel Mustard about the extra Percoset. Then he told the Maintenance Man so he could break in the door. And then he took all the drugs."
Me: " Colonel Mustard? What is this, CLUE?"
Mom: "Yea well I hope that asshole took all my estro-pills on accident and grew some man-boobs. Then maybe he can run around wearing my bathing suit in prison. Now where is our waiter? I gotta get out of here. I want ice cream. But I don't want to wear no damn sombrero"
Me: "Hey wait! I think I hear them singing! I think Dad told them!"
Mom: " Get outta my way, I don't want to be here!" (stiff-arms me out of the bench and takes of running to the car)

It was hilarious. One day, I plan on writing an entire book on my family. I'll be the next David Sedaris and I'll get to appear on daytime shows like Oprah and Ellen.

Breakable

2009-08-18T17:20:00.000-05:00

I love love LOVE this song.

"Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about
What protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones
And some other various parts

So it's fairly simple
To cut right through the mess
And to stop the muscle
That makes us confess

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable
Girls and boys

And you fasten my seatbelt
Because it is the law
In your two-ton death trap
I finally saw
A piece of love in your face
That bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places
I'll never forget

And we are so fragile
And our cracking bones make noise
And we are just breakable, breakable, breakable
Girls and boys

No Rhyme, No Reason.

2009-08-16T20:35:00.007-05:00

Today Lauren and I decided to clean out our closet (which is more like an extra bedroom than a closet) and I found a box full of journals and half-finished stories from high school. It's actually kind of interesting to see some of the common themes in my writing during that time in my life. Most of it was about relationships I had with my friends, boyfriends, and family members. One of the best things I found (which was actually something I had been looking for for awhile) was a book of poetry I had started writing in during my sophomore year of high school. Some of it is really really bad... I am almost embarrassed to say I wrote it, although I suppose I can just say it was a rough draft. There were a couple of good ones that I thought I would share here for posterity's sake.

"Censored"
[5.23.2007]

Sometimes the thoughts in my head
Manage to make their way out
Before reason gets a chance to censor them
It seems as if I am suffering
From some type of verbal incontinence.

Although I suppose now would be the appropriate time
If there ever was such a designated time or situation
In which one would be allowed to be
vulnerable
defenseless
exposed.

Maybe I could wear a surgeon's mask
That would filter all the words I said
As they made their way out of my mouth
It would capture the rogue words
Better left to the confines of my subconscious
Letting the rest slip through,
Slightly indiscernible
But at least not emotionally jarring...

Then I could talk to you again
Without feeling like such a fool.

"Addicted"
[9.29.2004]

I'll never be what you want
Even though I try my hardest
My heart pumping a million beats
And all I want is to know
That I'm good enough

Countless hours refining my skills
Going out of my way to do what you want
I don't know why I stay here
And allow myself to sink further

Some are addicted to drugs,
Others to money,
But I am addicted to the painful submission
Of earning your respect.

"Photograph"
[11.04.2005]

I develop all of my responses
In sepia tones
But you don't see it
You've only seen black and white
Never the confusing chromatic shades
That I know so well.

Whenever I look at this photograph of us
It is like seeing a negative
Everything that was once dark is now light
And now I understand,

It was never about me.

Careless Whisper

2009-08-14T08:46:00.002-05:00

My brother shared this new cover done by Seether of the 1984 George Michael's song "Careless Whisper". At first I was a little disappointed - I've been waiting for a new Seether album to come out for awhile & this is the first single they release? Since then, though, it has definitely grown on me. Some of my favorite lines:

Time can never mend
The careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind
Ignorance is kind
And there's no comfort in the truth
Pain is all you'll find

Tonight the music seems so loud
I wish that we could lose the crowd
Maybe it's better this way
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say

I've always thought it was best to tell someone the truth, unless it would unnecessarily cause them pain. For example, I would never tell a girlfriend that she looked bad in a dress if she was dressed for a special occasion, because it would only make her more self-conscious. (Now, if I was going shopping with them before hand I would let them know the truth so they didn't make a bad purchase) But that's a very simple example.

I think people should tell the truth, but it is interesting how sometimes the things we want to say to the people we care about most are rather careless. There has been several times when I have had to restrain myself from telling people the things I think are true about them ("you are selfish", "you need to grow up and quit living off your parents", "you need to quit using others") but that I never say. What's the point. As the song suggests, "Ignorance is kind".

Opinions and Criticisms welcome. =]

Reflections on Shopping at Salvation Army.

2009-08-10T20:14:00.002-05:00

I am a denim addict. I had over 20 pairs of blue jeans and to make room in my closet I took about 13 of those pairs to Salvation Army. And what do after I drop off my donation? Oh yea, I went to the racks of jeans to see if I could find some nice jeans for under $10 (which I did) It's truly pathetic.

While I was poring over the hundreds of pairs of jeans, analyzing pocket details and then seeing if they would fit, I realized that some of the jeans at Salvation Army definitely belonged in a salvage heap. I mean really, who donates jeans with a hole in the crotch of the pants? Or covered in grease? Or in some weird goop from who knows where?

Which brings me to my next thought after that... who donates underwear to Salvation Army? I spent a good long time wondering who actually bought said underwear but now I am curious how it even gets there in the first place. I personally would be creeped out if I knew someone out there was wearing an old pair of my underwear... gross.

The best purchase I made today by far was a Discman for $2.00!! It's even dec-ed out with some sweet stickers that say "GIRLS RULE!". Love it. Now I can have music for my long drive home to Tennessee. I don't have that many CD's but I borrowed some of my grandparents old country CDs so I can get in the southern mood before I make it home tomorrow night. I just wish I hadn't packed away my cowboy boots in storage...

Final Note: I am on the last few chapters of "The Shack" by William Young but I dont want to finish it because it's sort of over the top. The idea that everyone has their own light colors and it envelopes people they are in relationship with... REALLY?! Not that it couldnt be true but it just seems a little hokey-ish to me.

I don't really know why I wrote this except that I am bored...

Growth

2009-08-09T21:16:00.011-05:00

Today I was going through some old boxes of stuff in my grandparent's basement in the hope that I could minimize some of my crap before returning to school in the fall. My room next year is going to be about half of the size as my room last year so I really need to get rid of extra books/clothes/etc. As I was stumbling around in the dark (the light fixtures in the basement are circa 1950-something and the light bulbs are all burned out) I found my old journal from freshman year of college. I was reading through the some of the old entries and my heart ached for the broken and confused girl I use to be.

"I feel as if I am trapped here inside myself. There is a fire burning inside me, fueled by the anger, resentment, and loneliness that are my constant companions." [12.12.06]

"I know this holiday is suppose to be about Jesus' birth, but I just feel empty. I wish I could be like everyone else and just BELIEVE but something always holds me back. Rationality and doubt I suppose. I just don't understand how God is understood so differently by everyone. Some people say gays go to hell but murderers can still be forgiven. How does that work? And what about Muslims and Jews? Don't we believe in the same God? The problem with just believing in science though is that there is still an emptiness inside me that can't be explained. I want to try to understand. I don't want to be confused for my whole life. I want to know what is true. This morning on the news the reporter was asking people where they would like to see peace in the world and one man said "within myself" and I whole-heartedly agreed." [12.25.06]

"I stopped putting my faith in God and instead subscribed to a faith rooted in science. Then I thought that maybe God didn't exist at all - that he was just created by world governments in order to control humankind. After deciding God must be a fabrication, then sin must also be a fabrication in order to keep people in line. So I began to do all the things I had always condemned others for doing. But if sin is just a fabrication, why do I feel so guilty? I think deep down I know the reason but I don't want to believe it's true. Because if I believe God exists then I have to give up everything." [07.17.07]

"I went to a bible study today.. I always have a hard time with religion and today was no exception. I feel like the New Testament is overly preachy - a checklist of things I must do in order to be the "perfect Christian". Does such a thing even really exist??"[10.03.07]

My journey to where I am now has definitely been an interesting one. For the first time this summer I realized the message I had been missing as a Christian was one of GRACE. I always felt as if God was abandoning me and judging me for the things I had done. Looking back now I realize I was rejecting him. I didn't want His grace - I wanted to try to earn my own salvation. No wonder I felt alone and frustrated. Leadership Training has definitely helped change this outlook for me, and I am so thankful that God used the opportunity to show me how He loves me persistently and unconditionally. I no longer have to fear being alone. =)

Personal Statement!

2009-08-06T10:44:00.003-05:00

My brain feels so out of shape. The 3+months of summer vacation have definitely encased my mind in what feels like a large cotton blanket and now I am having trouble shaking it off and getting started on my personal statement for law school.

The problem is, I've never been great at "defining" myself. I've had a pretty normal home-life, I make good grades, I did well on my LSAT, I've done the expected summer internship in D.C., and I've got great letters of recommendation. But none of that stuff really makes me "special". On the surface I just look like every other starry-eyed undergraduate applying to law school.

Sometimes I think it would be great to talk about my faith. It definitely has impacted me in that I have chosen to go on service trips and volunteer projects that I wouldn't have decided to do unless I had been involved with the church. And the reason I want to become a lawyer is so that I can help defend the poor and the defenseless, not because I want to make tons of money. The only caveat to talking about my faith, though, is that it may distance me from the reader, especially if they have a hard time relating to Christianity or make the assumption that I am close-minded because of my religion.

Maybe if I stare at the computer screen long enough though an idea will come to me.....

I Really Do...

2009-08-03T23:10:00.001-05:00

hate this feeling.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

LSAT in 7 Days & I'm freaking out...

2009-06-01T13:25:00.005-05:00

I can't remember a time when one test had me going this insane. All of my co-workers, family members, friends, and my boyfriend are getting tired of hearing me panic over the LSAT. The problem is every time one of them tells me "Don't freak out" I just end up panic-ing even more. I know this is completely detrimental to my studying but I can't help it. I'm starting to worry I might have a mental breakdown before I even get to the test...

The problem isn't understanding the question types. When I'm not in a time-crunch I get them all right. But when I'm forced to answer the questions in 35 minutes or less I end up running out of time or not thinking through the answer choices fully because I'm trying to rush so I answer them all. Today I attempted to do Pacing sections which are small sections that you can do to time yourself and I'm still not finishing on time! The weird thing is right around the time of Final Exams I took a practice test and finished every section well before time with a 165. Now I'm scoring high 150s and low 160s. What the heck happened?

I could blame it all on my job, but let's not even get started on that. I'm working on setting some boundaries in my professional life right now to prevent me from becoming a work-aholic. We'll save that topic for another time. But the reality is my confidence is shaken and I'm not sure how to get it back. The second problem is that I really don't feel passionate about law school in itself; I just see it as a means to an end. Ideally I would be able to use my legal knowledge to help non-profit groups be more successful. I want to go to third-world countries and assist them with trade agreements so that they don't continue getting screwed over by larger countries who will take advantage of them. When it comes down to it, I just want to help people. But I can't ever get to that point if I can't accomplish the first step, which is simply to get admitted into a law school....

I'm starting to wonder if this is even what God has planned for me. I feel like if I was truly following God's will then it wouldn't feel like I was fighting so hard all the time to force the outcome I wanted. But maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe God wants me to have to fight for it. I really don't know. I've been praying about it and asking for guidance but it seems like all I'm getting right now is the heavenly busy signal. And that is just making me question if the absence of any answer is a sign that I'm praying to a big empty whole in the sky...

So if you're reading this, I could really use your prayers, well-wishes, and encouragment to help get me through this next week. It's going to be challenging me physically, spiritually, and mentally!

First Quarter Reflection

2009-04-06T13:22:00.003-05:00

For some reason today when I woke up, I was feeling heavily discouraged. It could be that the heavy blanket of snow that now covers Ann Arbor (I thought we were approaching summer? What happened?) or my cold-turning-into-bronchitis that's getting me down. But I think realistically it's that I'm feeling frustrated in achieving some of the goals I had made for myself at the beginning of the year.

FAILS:
(1) Maintaining a 3.7 GPA
(2) Staying in touch with old friends / family members
(3) Strengthening my relationship with God

I don't know why but this semester has been kicking me up and down since it started. My classes have a ridiculous amount of reading, and to top it all off they give it to us with 4 pages to one page, so the font is about this big or smaller. I think I'm quickly losing my vision. In addition, these classes are held in large lecture halls where no one knows each other, I don't talk to my professors, and the exams grade on nitty-gritty details instead of broader concepts. I would much rather write a 15-page paper, please. Not to mention, it's my first time taking math since HIGH SCHOOL, and while I always think I understand my stats homework, I somehow keep making B's on the exams... what gives?

I've also been terrible about keeping in touch with my old friends from home and last semester. I think most people on staff are avoiding me because I always seem busy (I am) or because I don't drink anymore. If it's the latter, I really won't feel to horrible about it. But in any case, I have to work with these people and I don't want them to think I don't like them, I'm just overwhelmed. I think my family is starting to see me as the phantom daughter who only calls when she needs something, but the fact of the matter is I only have time to do those things that are urgent. I know some of this is my fault, I could spend less time with A.M. or N.E., but usually even when I am with these two I am studying or running... not just bumming around.

And maybe all this busy-ness is what is affecting my relationship with God. Although it could be that in combination with my coursework that keeps throwing doubt on everything that I believe. At least the sermon at New Life the past couple of weeks have helped out in some of those areas, but I wish I had more time to really research this stuff on my own, time I probably won't have until summer.... If anyone has any good books or ideas on where to start let me know.

After I thought about all my shortcomings, I started to think that in many ways the reason why I am unsuccessful in some areas is because I am becoming more successful in others...

SUCCESS!
(1) Soberiety
(2) Budgeting
(3) Overall Physical Fitness

As for (1), I just want to say I was never an alcoholic by any means. In fact, I think my intake of alcohol was fairly minimal compared to most college students. But after thinking about it and wavering on it for awhile, I ultimately decided to give up alcohol completely. Now this has definitely not added to my friend-base.. if anything I've lost friends who now believe that I am "uncool" or "not fun" or a "prude". But the basic fact is I feel better (no more wasted days of studying do to a late night out) and I've saved money by not going out to the bars, which leads me to number (2)...

I am not a good budgeter. I like to buy tea, coffee, food, whatever. Mostly comfort items. But since I gave up coffee/caffiene for Lent I haven't had reason to go to Starbucks. A.M. has also helped with this because he discourages my extraneous spending =) For example, last week his fraternity had a semi-formal and I thought I needed to buy a dress and he convinced me not too. It turns out I had a dress that worked out fine, so I saved myself some money.

(3) has been the most challenging, but the most rewarding. Training for a half-marathon is no picnic. Starting out, I hated the days I had to run. Now I've started to look forward to them. Saturday A.M. and I went on a long run that was just under 10-miles and it was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, physically and mentally. And then around the 9.5 mile mark I dropped my form for a second and ended up tripping over a crack in the sidewalk, scratching up my elbows and knees. But instead of walking back I convinced A.M. I could run it back.. it hurt but I was proud that I didn't give up. And that's what all this running has been teaching me: I can keep going, I don't have to give up. I'm alot stronger than I used to believe, and that's definitely helped me build confidence in my own abilities to do things. Not to mention losing the extra winter weight has been an added incentive...

So maybe I'm not perfect in everything, but I am succeeding in some things. Whenever I found myself doing really well in school or with social areas I always found I was neglecting other areas of my life. Now I'm finding that while I'm not doing fantastic in any one area, my life seems to have reached a balance. And I think I can accept that.

=)

Late Night Chats

2009-04-03T00:54:00.002-05:00

12:44 AM me: blah blah blah

i hate studying

come study with me

12:45 AM N: i'm working on my bed

my throat really hurts

i don't feel like going anywhere

12:48 AM me: ok

sorry your throat hurts

are you going to UHS tomorrow?

12:49 AM N: yeah... i need to

me: alright well let me know if they say you have the strep

N: ok. :)

me: if you do, I might need to avoid you... for my own safety

N: yeah, its ok

me: cause I don't get the common kinds anymore

N: i understand

me: and i dont want to be on steroids again =) lol

12:50 AM N: haha

but i really wanted you to become a man

now, my life plans have been ruined

what will i do?

me: Well, maybe we could tell Oprah our story

and she would pay for my sex-change operation

12:51 AM

me: but then I would have to go on Dr.Phil

because Alex would be traumatized

me: and then afterwards we would walk across the street to Jerry Springer's studio

and the three of us would have a throw-down

12:52 AM N: you are ridiculous. i thought i came up with weird things at night, but you are definitely top me tonight.

me: this is all going on my blog,

just so you know...

then the world will be in on our secret

12:53 AM N: that i want you to get a sex change

do work!

you have an exam tomorrow

remember?

in less than 12 hours

work!

12:54 AM me: sorry

Ann Arbor Adventurist - Day 1

2009-02-23T17:30:00.007-06:00

As promised, I set off yesterday in search of adventure in my college town, Ann Arbor. There's this neat grocery store up in Kerrytown called People's Co-Op that I've been meaning to visit so that was the first step on this adventure.

I don't think I've seen so many organic products in my entire life. After making it past all the locally-grown fruit and vegetables, organic pasta, and trail mix I stumbled upon the hygiene section. Did you know that there are ORGANIC FEMININE PRODUCTS!? I was astounded. I did not however, take a photo. I didn't want to seem like a creep. I then found some Meatless Jerky that did sort of taste like beef jerky, and some Acai berry juice. I ended up buying the Jerky and Acai juice, along with some Michigan Gala apples. Only down side of buying locally-grown food in February - it's out of season and you tend to get the bottom of the barrel. I think next time I'll just buy the genetically modified food at Meijer.

After doing some light grocery shopping I walked next door to Cafe Verde and ordered an energy bomb juice drink. I think it is suppose to be fruity, because it had apples and oranges in it, but it also had carrots and ginger... so it tasted more like a vegetable juice drink. It was okay, but I don't think I'll ever order one again...

On the way back I stopped by a bookstore and talked to the owner about the joys and hardships of being a bookseller (especially in this struggling economy) and walked out with a Hardcover 35th Anniversary Edition of The Phantom Tollbooth for $4.00 (most listings have it priced at $25.00 if dust-jacket is present and in good condition). I haven't read this book since I was 8 but I remember thinking it was one of the best books I had ever read. I'm hoping I'll have sometime later this week to re-read it.

On my way back to the dorm, I noticed some new graffiti tags by Duck and Swallow. I started noticing their tags sometime back in September. I have no idea if it is one person or two person, but in my imagination Duck & Swallow are a renegade couple that run around Ann Arbor tagging things together as an expression of their love. This is probably not true, but it's a game of mine to notice when they tag something new. I'm not really sure when they did this one, because it was on a street that I don't walk on often, but I like it because there is a picture as well as the taggers signatures.

Another interesting I found was a house with a half address. I always assumed something like this could only be found in a Harry Potter novel, but apparently they really exist. I think it's an old frat-house but it didn't look like anyone lived there now.

I'm not sure where I will go for my next adventure. I spent today catching up on some phone calls and homework, but hopefully tomorrow will be more exciting. I'm thinking about doing a run out to Gallup Park so maybe I'll find a way to carry my camera with me I can snap some shots of the Huron River.

I hope everyone is having a great spring break, preferably somewhere warmer than here!

Spring Break solitude

2009-02-22T00:22:00.002-06:00

So this must be what people trapped in Ann Arbor over spring break do to stay sane : blog in the Community Learning Center while a bunch of obnoxiously loud boys play Super Mario Smash Brothers on one of the jumbo screens. Ah well, it beats the dead silence of my room at the moment...

I'm having some mixed feelings about my break right now, mainly because they only thing I have to look forward to is the massive amount of homework I've let pile up during exam week and (possibly) a haircut on Monday. Other than that it's going to be fairly dull around here: the cafeteria is only open for weird hours, my shower is perpetually cold because I live on the fourth floor and it takes forever to pump up there, and all the restaurants in the Union close early. Sigh. At least tonight I was able to convince Phil to drive Eva and I to Qdoba for some yummy chips and queso =)

Some people just have a knack for adventure. Sometimes I find myself slightly jealous of Alex - it seems like he's always having adventures. Even when he's at home he's finding stuff to do. And now he's off climbing in Nevada. Don't get me wrong, I definitely daydream of doing things. I would love to travel to Greece, learn how to sail, and hike a big mountain. But all of these things involve traveling and gear, which also involve lots of money that I don't have. I'm going to try to come up with something fun to do this week though, even if it just involves sledding in the arb...

I hate my job. I really really hate my job. Mainly because I spend my time telling people to stop doing things that most normal people would not do i.e. pee in water fountains, run into windows, spray fire extinguishers, or play orange soda pong an a $1000 pool table. You would think at the nation's top public university that this would not be an issue. You would be mistaken. I feel like I've met more stupid people in college than outside of it.

I'll keep you all posted on all my spring break (mis)adventures. Hopefully something exciting will happen!

Poseidon & Amphitrite

2009-02-10T22:45:00.007-06:00

We built a boat for two
Set sail across the great expanse
The lake was a depth of blue
And we watched the fish dance
Across her solid hull
We cut through the waves
Guided by the sea gulls
And the long stretch of caves
That sprung up from the coast
Until we found a sparkling shore
Providing us the most
Beach to explore
And in the shade of the groves
I whispered your name
It echoed through the coves
Coming back the same
You closed the distance between
Us in one swift motion
Everything that had gone unseen
Crashed over me in pure emotion
In our hearts there has begun
A growing love, strong and mighty,
For you are my Poseidon
And I, your Amphitrite.

La Victoire! (Finalement)

2008-12-05T10:29:00.003-06:00

It might be possible for me to pass French this semester.

It's Wednesday afternoon, and I am sitting in French class with a massive headache. This is not surprising because I typically get migraines when I have to deal with idiocy or boring classes. My professor proceeds to pass out the Par Ecrit writing assignment. She finishes passing them out and walks to the front of the class when I realize she never handed mine back to me. Now I am freaking out, thinking that maybe she lost it, and now I'm going to have to REWRITE the Par Ecrit because of course she is going to say it's my fault...

As I am playing this internal worrying monologue, my professor starts reprimanding us, in French, for our horrible essays. I will provide a translated version of this conversation, as well as my internal thoughts in italics:

"I have to tell you, class, that these essays were not good. I can tell many of you rushed through them and did not pay attention to the prompt."
I totally did not answer this prompt.. what was I thinking watching the election results instead of starting on it earlier!?
"I probably should have given you all lower grades than I did but I think maybe I did not do a good job of explaining what I wanted in the essay"

Then, she picks up my blue writing folder from the table. I immediately recognize it because there is a large drawing of a star on the back that I did during class one day when I couldn't stand to listen to her rattle on about Senghor any longer.

Oh crap. She is going to say mine was the worst paper ever. I hope she doesn't read it in front of the class...
"D'accord, I thought one of you did very well on this assignment"
Wait... WHAT!?

Then, she proceeds to read my entire essay to the class, remarking on my wonderful use of vocabulary and lack of grammar mistakes. I am honestly, shocked. I think my face might have turned the same color pink as my scarf in that moment. Everyone in the class is looking around to see whose essay it is. Then, after she finishes reading it, she walks over and hands me my folder and everyone in the class looks as shocked as me because they all know I am HORRIBLE in French.

I don't know how this happened. But all I know is that (1) I have an awesome God and (2) He's making sure I don't fail French. And that's enough for me.

Lauren Helps Me Write My Paper...

2008-12-01T00:41:00.002-06:00

This is what I get after I ask my sister to help me summarize some points to my research paper:

Story - Girl lives in NY, lush, slut, anorexic, shopaholic, works in clothing factory, cotton particles of fire in her lungs, roommate says she is going to get TB if she doesn’t let her momma her, bf = sickness, doesn’t listen, dances, TB, too much dancing, stops at TBA and read symptoms, so her own damn fault, bitch is dumb, doctor says go to the country, meets another TB victim, and had TB sex….leading to a super TB. Ew."

I think I'm going to have to get some one who actually knows a bit about history to help me with this one...

So What?

2008-11-30T21:43:00.002-06:00

I have run into a brick wall for this research paper. I've got my conclusion : The discovery of the tubercule bacillus by Robert Koch in 1882 and the subsequent public health movement lead by Lawrence Flick changed social perceptions of tuberculosis. Instead of being a beautifying, romantic disease of the noble elites it became the disease of the working-class, immigrants, and blacks. This change can be seen in fictional literature published in the early 20th century.

While this works as a research topic, it still fails to answer the question, So what? Why do we care?

And the problem is, I really don't have an answer for that. It's the same question I've been struggling with since I got started on the paper. I think the problem with this could be that I didn't choose my topic.

There comes a point when you have to stop researching and start writing. But when do you know when to finally stop? I think, (1) when you can finally answer the question So What? or (2) when you realize your paper is due in a week and you have to meet the deadline.

I'm hoping I can get to (1) before I am forced to accept (2).

Hypergraphia, and Other News

2008-11-25T10:29:00.002-06:00

According to my friend Kyle, I have an incessant need to write. I think this might be true. But, several famous authors were sufferers of hypergraphia, so I don't think that it is entirely a bad thing.

In 24 hours I will be at home, with my family and doggie. The only problem is I have a ridiculous amount of things to do between now and then. First, I have to finish writing a paper for French class. Then I have to go check out a couple more books from Taubman, which means a hike up to the medical campus. Afterwards I must do more laundry, pack my suitcase, and write an outline/abstract for my paper.

I'm really feeling the pain of 4 hours of sleep and 3 cups of coffee.

Christmas can not come soon enough!

Mourning Authors

2008-11-24T09:43:00.002-06:00

It's always depressing when I find out another one of my favorite authors have died. I remember when Shel Silverstein died I was sad because I would never get to read another silly poem like "Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle Me Too" or marvel at the ink drawings that always seemed just a little to bizarre for children's books.

Worse is when I discover a new favorite author and then I realize that they have been dead for awhile. For some reason I thought that Ernest Hemingway was still alive (but just really old) and so I read a bunch of his books and was wondering when he was going to come out with a new one... then I realized he had died several years ago.

I remember having the same feeling after discovering the works of Jane Austen. In order to prevent myself from the sadness that comes after realizing I've read every work by an author, I have staved off reading "Sense and Sensibility" and "Northanger Abbey". Although a few weeks ago I realized that my library has copies of the unfinished manuscripts of "Sandition", "Lady Susan" and "The Watsons", as well as a collection of letters Austen wrote throughout her lifetime and so I may have to read those at some point during my stay at college. It might seem strange to non-bibliophiles but finding those manuscripts were seriously like Christmas to me.

I guess what brought all of this reminiscing about is because I just realized that Michael Crichton died this month and I somehow managed to miss it among all of the election hullaballo. I first read Jurassic Park when I was in 5th grade, mainly because it was worth 30 Accelerated Reader Points and because I enjoyed the movies so I thought the book would be better. I remember struggling to get through the book but once I finished I realized that I loved science fiction novels.

Luckily for me, I still have not read some of his newer works like "Prey" or "State if Fear". Also, there is talk of a book being published posthumously. Hopefully over winter break I will have some time to sit down and read some Michael Crichton and reflect on how the literary community has lost one more great author.

Re-Search

2008-11-23T22:17:00.002-06:00

I hate the word Research. I mean, if you break it down, your basically searching for something that's already been found so you are re-searching it. Which makes me wonder why someone couldn't have just made me a list of key points so that I can write this damn paper instead of researching for all these sources, finding out there not at my library, then waiting for interlibrary loan... sigh. At least Google books is proving to by somewhat helpful.

At the present, I have approximately 1,000 pages I need to read before Tuesday, an outline for my paper due, a 2 page French composition, a rewrite of a 10-page paper, and an oral presentation to prepare for in French. And people HONESTLY wonder why I have anxiety. I think it's pretty obvious.

I need to find some restaurants to blog about for class next week. Anyone have ideas?

White Horse

2008-11-20T13:29:00.004-06:00

I've been really busy lately with school and a new blogging projects for a class here at the UofM, so I'm sorry if you've all been left to wonder where I've gone.

School is going okay so far, although there is a very real possibility of me not passing French which will mean that I need to take it again next year. I'm usually good in French but my professor this semester is ridiculous. We had a quiz today and she quizzed us on a reading we never went over in class but that we were "suppose" to read on our own. Honestly, I think she forgot we hadn't gone over it but then she was angry because we told her that she hadn't taught us to it yet. Oh well. If I have to take it again next semester I'll take it with a different professor.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about how I have unrealistic expectations. And I realized that maybe I wouldn't get as stressed out as much if I just stopped making so many expectations and goals for myself. For example, my history professor this semester told us that he would select one paper to publish in the UofM History of Medicine Journal and so now I've been psyching myself out all semester for this stupid paper because I want to get published. But, realistically, I haven't found that much original research so the actual chances of me getting published are nill.

Maybe I should quit praying for miracles and just start asking for patience.

Also, I just downloaded some songs off the new Taylor Swift CD today. I know that it's not cool to like Country music, but give me a break. I'm from Tennessee. =)

That I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Designing Again

2008-10-28T15:21:00.003-05:00

I forgot how much fun CSS can be. Today I started working on designing my blog for my Sweetland Writing Center course and I had managed to find a bunch of free images to make into a banner. It took me awhile to figure out how to work GIMP, but I'm glad I did.

There's nothing posted over there, yet, but if you want to give it a look, feel free.

What Should Have Been The Worse Night Ever

2008-10-26T00:44:00.004-05:00

I'm on duty tonight, which should be the worst night of the year because it is the night after the Michigan State v. Michigan game (which we lost) but it hasn't been. At least, not yet. I am knocking on my desk as I type this.

I am struggling with an idea for this new blog I have to write for my writing class. I thought about writing a blog on my favorite but unknown restaurants and cafes in Ann Arbor, which would be amusing but I need a spin. Sasha seems to think that my spin needs to be tailored to the fact that I am a girl, like "best places to pick up a guy" or something like that. Sex and the City meets Food Blog. Problem is, I can't pick up guys. Ever. I need better bait or something.

That's ok though, because Sergeant Badass has returned to Grey's Anatomy. My Thursday's just got a little bit spicier.

Finally, A Return to Sanity.

2008-10-15T15:23:00.003-05:00

I quit Genetics. Well, technically I withdrew, which is another euphemism for quitting. Oh well, it's not like I needed the class to begin with. In it's place I am taking a 1-credit course on the rhetoric of blogging. Should be more interesting, with the added bonus of giving me ideas on what I should actually right about in a blog to attract a wider audience.

I thought it would be interesting to write a blog about all of my dating debacles. Maybe it could be a collaborative project. Let me know if you want in, ladies.

Show Me How to Love Like You Have Loved Me.

2008-09-18T23:02:00.004-05:00

This is one of my favorite lyrics from the song "Hosanna" by Hillsong United. Actually the whole bridge of this song is amazing:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from Earth into Eternity

The first time I heard this song it just shook me. I'm not sure why but it was at Concert of Praise for New Life and in the background they were playing a powerpoint and there were images of people helping others in poor countries and it just made me sad to think of how many people are truly in need. Not just in those countries but here.

There's this person whom I love dearly. And because I love themI want to share my faith with them. But every time I try I get scared, I think because I know their not ready to hear it. Hopefully though, if God wants me to share it then he will give me the words to say and the right motives for doing it.

Then Moses said to the Lord “O my Lord, I am not an eloquent man, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant, for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave a mouth to man, or who makes a person mute or deaf or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? So now go, and I will be with your mouth and will teach you what you must say.” [Exodus 4: 10-12]

I Had That Dream Again Where...

2008-09-15T00:33:00.007-05:00

I forgot to feed Ginger and she died. Only this time my sister was with me and we were staying in this weird hotel. Ginger was running along beside me and I realized she was really skinny and I asked Lauren if she fed her lately. She said she hadn't been feeding her cause she thought I was feeding her. Then Ginger looked sadly at me and I knew somehow that if I didn't feed her soon she was going to die. So we go to our hotel and we are waiting on the elevator and Lauren and I step in but Ginger doesn't make it so we are stuck riding up to the 26th floor. By the time we get back down to the lobby to get her she was dead. It was really depressing.

I don't understand why I keep having this dream. Ginger is fine, besides the small fatty tumor she had removed last month she's pretty healthy. Dream Moods Dictionary says this: "If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts."

Interesting... I'm not really sure what this means.

What's With The Rain?

2008-09-14T20:56:00.003-05:00

It's been raining here in Ann Arbor nearly non-stop all weekend. I do not like rain. If there was a "Stuff Liza DOES NOT Like" here on this blog, Rain would be #1 for sure. I hate that my pants get wet and then when I sit on them my butt gets wet. I hate that my hair goes from being sort of puffy to an afro in a matter of 5 minutes. I hate that I feel sticky everywhere I go. I hate that my umbrella does not prevent my arms from getting wet. I hate the rain.

I managed to get a fair amount of homework done this weekend though, on account of the rain. I'm trying to get a lot of stuff wrapped up before Emily's wedding this weekend so I can focus on spending time with my family (it's one of my goals for '08-'09 so let's hope I do better than last year). I'm excited for wedding cake and baking cookies with Grandma =)

Today I also checked out the University Lutheran Chapel on campus. I really liked the small feel of the service and the fact that they have communion. Maybe I will go to the Lutheran church in the mornings and to Core at New Life in the evenings. I know what you are thinking..."Woah that's a lot of church!" It's good though, I probably need it. And as it's the only thing right now not stressing me out it gets me through the week. So yay for God and church families =)

Now, if I could only secure a recommendation for the Honors program, find a way to be the best RA ever, and manage to be swept off my feet by my Prince Charming my life would be all set.

Stuff Liza Likes #2 - Librarians

2008-09-13T16:32:00.005-05:00

Librarians are actually bespectacled angels. Plus, they are some of the smartest people I know (how do they remember that confounding Dewey decimal system? I mean really?).

Today I went on a hunt for an article I read in the Chronicle of Higher Education that I couldn't access online. After a frustrating 45 minutes on Mirlyn, I decided to seek professional help. The lovely librarian at the UGLI was able to locate it for me in 2 minutes, plus find the author's latest book and put it on hold for me. I told you they were angels.

I actually would not mind being a Librarian someday. All I would have to do all day is read books and summon information for overwhelmed college students. Plus, I would get to wear argyle, sweater vests, and cardigans every day! I think a career switch is in order...

What's Cookin in DC

2008-07-07T22:44:00.002-05:00

Somehow a home-cooked dinner of canned black beans isn't quite as good after you've spent the last three days eating out every meal at fancy New York restaurants. I deposited a check today but it still hadn't shown up in my bank account this evening when I went out to do my grocery shopping so instead I scrounged up some food from the depth of my pantry. I made some weird black bean soup that was more of an experiment .... 1 can of black beans, two tablespoons of peanut butter for thicker broth, a teaspoon of mustard (the peanut butter made it too sweet), salt, and a dash of balsamic vinaigrette. Sounds utterly disgusting but actually the tangy sweetness of it was pretty good all around. Definitely better than garlic-butter noodles. I think the countless nights I stayed up watching Food Network with Alex has given me some ideas about what can and cannot work together and so I think overall my "experiments" are becoming tastier.

Everyone wants to know what is going on DC and I guess there really hasn't been that much. Last week was pretty fun, I got to go on some lobbying trips up to the Hill (one was unsuccesful, the other mildly so) but Congress was distracted because it was a recess week. It was exciting to be asked along though. On Sunday I got to take a tour of the West Wing of the White House (AMAZING!) and got to stick my head in the Oval Office. It was a great experience and I'll be sure to upload some pictures once I get home. I left the cable that hooks up my camera to my computer at home so I am unable to share them with you.

I found out last week that I might have TMJ (it's a joint / muscle disease in your jaw that is really painful) so my dentist put me on some muscle relaxers. They've been helping some but I'm still in alot of pain in the morning. I think when I get back I might have to get a retainer thing which will probably be uncomfortable (but preferable to jaw pain!)

That's all that is going on with me at the moment. Sorry if it's not very deep or thoughtful! I've actually been having some thoughts on where this blog might go after this summer. It might become more of a place I voice my opinions on social matters or highlight things of interest but for right now you are just going to get some updates on my life in our nation's capitol and I hope that is exciting enough.

I think I just lost my breakfast.

2008-06-24T06:05:00.002-05:00

Facebook can really ruin someone's day. Especially when you log in to find out yet ANOTHER one of your friends is getting married and you are still hopelessly single.

This should really not be a big deal. We're only 20! Why is everyone getting married!? Personally, I'd rather have my freedom. Between my two jobs I doubt I even have time for a boyfriend.

Ok, so maybe I am just a wee bit jealous.

Today I saw Obama.

2008-06-19T21:25:00.002-05:00

I was on my way to pick up my regular 5$ foot-long from Subway when I noticed quite a commotion outside of the DNC headquarters. I decided it was worth stopping to see who was inside since the last time there were that many press people outside it was for Charlie Range l and I missed getting to see him tell Hillary to end her campaign. So I thought this time I would stick around to see who everyone was waiting for. About 30 minutes later, Senator Obama himself was seen exiting the building. I don't know if I expected him to be different than he was on TV but there he was, smiling at the cameras and the small crowd of starry-eyed interns and hill staffers. I think I might be in love.

Other than that today was rather uneventful. I had to work tonight at Starbucks and I got to learn how to make espresso-drinks which was fun (although now I smell like a giant coffee bean). Also, I found out some great news on the supplemental we've been working on. We don't really expect it to make it through to the final bill though since Bush seems intent on veto-ing any domestic spending but hopefully we'll get some money after all the effort we put in.

I wish that the Roll Call website allowed non-members to access articles so I could post a link to this amazing article I read today in the Heard on the Hill section (the gossip section, for those of you unfamiliar with Roll Call). Basically, it was mocking Congress for a recent bill they passed on ending interstate monkey trafficking because of the number of people who had reported monkey bites (But don't worry, according to a quote in HoH, you only have a 1 in 84 million chance of getting bit by a monkey today). I just don't understand how they can easily pass a bill on monkey trafficking but there seems to be no solution in sight for the ever-increasing gas prices, the GI bill, or the broken housing market. I guess Mike was right, this really is the "silly season" of Congress.

Running with Rainbows

2008-06-18T21:40:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know this title is horribly corny. But I refuse to apologize. Today I discovered this amazing new website, Map My Run, and I decided that I would go for a run today around the Mall and some of the monuments. It was actually a nice run but I got worried once it started to rain. It seemed weird to me that it would be raining though because it was still so sunny outside. I turned to look behind me to see if there were storm clouds and instead I saw 3 rainbows arched across the sky, stretched from the Lincoln Memorial to the Washington Monument. It was AMAZING.

Then I got lost and ran for a bit along the Potomac and just enjoyed the day. After the rain it got really cool and so the rest of my run was really relaxing. I think I forget about how much I like to be outdoors until I actually push myself to do it and then I always wonder why I don't go out more. But now with this website I might try to run more often since I can map things out and then keep a record of them online.

Yesterday I met up with my friend Julia S. from Drew and her friend Lauren and we went to this Spanish restaurant in Chinatown. The food was really good (tapas!) but extremely tiny and so, unsatisfied, we headed over to Starbucks for coffee cake. I wish I would have remembered to bring my partner card though so I could have gotten free coffee. But since I have only been working at Starbucks for 2 days and technically don't have a partner number I don't know if it would have worked. Did anyone know that the name Starbucks came from the name of the first mate in Moby Dick (Starbuck)? And actually the "mermaid" is a Siren. Oh the random things you learn in Barista training.

As for my internship, I am actually starting to enjoy it tremendously. It's not something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life but now that I am starting to understand how all of this stuff can impact the University I am getting more into it. Plus, I've been given more responsibility and today Mike looked over my notes and said I did a great job which made me happy.

The bible study here is going well. We have a few people who are thinking of joining because they have some questions which is really exciting. The theology class is...going. I think that it's too much for me to wrap my head around sometimes but I really want to understand what different groups of Christians believe and what all the arguments are out there. I suppose though, in the end, what is really important to keep in mind is that "There is one body and one Spirit, [...] one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. " (Ephesians 4:4-6).

Side Note: Today I Stumble Upon!-ed the now abandoned Washingtonienne blog and thought about actually purchasing the book. Is it sad that I care more about some Staff Assistant's exploits with congressman than Scott McClellan's latest tell-all on the Bush Administration?

Reflections on D.C.

2008-06-07T17:57:00.004-05:00

My PSIP coordinator sent everyone an email on how important it is to reflect on the experiences we are having during our internships in D.C, so this is my attempt at capturing two weeks of highs and lows.

I guess the first thing I need to talk about is my internship. I love the people in my office. They are all very helpful and fun people to be around. While I spend most of my time locked up in coalition meetings (where everything discussed is "off the record"), I am usually provided with breakfast or lunch. Considering I am living on limited funds right now, those free meals are amazing.

The one thing I don't like about me office is that I feel like I'm not really doing... anything. I mean besides attending the meetings, I typically just sit in my office and read newspapers (Roll Call, Politico, Washington Post, The Chronicle). Normally I wouldn't complain about having to do nothing, but the thing is I'm not getting paid. I am paying to be here in D.C. for a learning experience. And I feel like right now I am not learning anything. I'm not really sure how to ask them to give me more work.

So there is my reflection on my current job.

PSIP so far has been an interesting experience. I can say that I get along with everyone here but I feel like there are definitely some cliques already forming, between the people who work ON the Hill, and those who work for non-profits/think tanks/lobbying agencies. Everyone who works for congressmen seem to think they are the shit and no one else's job matters much. And for some reason unknown to me (and my roommate) there are girls on either side of our room that don't seem to like us very much. Haven't quite figured that one out.

I think the experience I am going to get the most out of isn't even going to be my internship. I think in some ways I am growing more in my relationship with God than I could have at LT. Here it is a struggle to stand up for what I believe in because I am not surrounded by my friends in Ann Arbor. I am constantly having to question why I believe something and how I am going to live out my faith or if I am going to be honest about what I believe. So while it's been difficult it's also been exciting to know that I WANT to do this because I think it's right, and not because I want to fit in with the crowd.

My friend Mike from New Life sent me a link to this church out here in DC (which is a lot like New Life). I went there last weekend and although it was kind of weird to go to church in a theater I really liked the service. I also joined a class on Theology and I am definitely excited to gain knowledge on the differences in Christian thought. I actually took this quiz, which theologian are you?, and the results were interesting. If you are reading this, take it and post what answer you got. I think it can tell a lot about what type of church you went to growing up (I got Martin Luther and Anselm).

So I guess, as a quick recap, I am still unsure of what I want to get out of this summer. Hopefully a good job review from my bosses, the chance to network with other interns, and to grow in my faith. Oh, and also to get a part-time job at Starbucks because I currently only have $40 to my name.

P.S. If you're reading this, I applaud you for making it through that entire stream of consciousness.

My First Day Of Work

2008-05-27T21:41:00.003-05:00

Instead of calling everyone to rehash the days events, I thought it would be faster (and more coherent) if I just put it up here for you all to read.

7:00 am : Wake-up to both my clock and cell going off at the same time and freaked out for about 5 seconds because I haven't had to wake up to an alarm in a while. I then proceded to eat/ drink massive amounts of coffee/ pray that I didn't embarrass myself today/ etc.

8:20 am : Depart from my apartment to job.

9:01 am: Arrive at job to find that no one is there. Worried that maybe work wasn't starting until 10 since it was the day after a holiday so I worked on a Sudoko puzzle. P arrived about 15 minutes later (he had lost his key) and then C arrived 10 minutes after that so then we were able to go into the the office.

9:35 am: After a quick debrief and location of the office coffee pot, I was shown to my office. Okay, so, technically it is the guest office, but I get to work there this summer. It's huge and I have an enormous window with a view of the Capitol. C. brings me some summaries of the bills they've been tracking for the past couple of weeks and a cup of coffee.

10:00 am: M. arrives, we debrief for a few minutes and then he leaves to make a call. C. brings me some information on the University's endowment which was an interesting read. I always kind of wondered where we spent our money and I have to say I think the university is doing a great job.

12:00 pm: P., C., and I go down to the cafeteria and grab lunch. The food was great but kind of pricy. $10.00 for a chicken and cheese quesadilla? I'm packing for the rest of the week.

1:30 pm: P. discovers the intern briefing folder from some unknown corner of the office. While most of the material was waaaay outdated (1992!) some of it was helpful. P and I decided one of our projects this summer was going to be to update the folder.

3:00 pm: After scouring through the folder for useful information I have P. show me how to work the phones. Then I grab the office copy of Roll Call and have a look through. P says each morning I should read the Post, RollCall, and Politico (or at least browse through to see if they mention anything on our bills, or for listings of hearings).

4:10 pm: M. invites me to go to a meeting with him tomorrow to this Innovation Taskforce meeting. I look over the website so I am not completely out of the loop tomorrow.

5:01 pm: First Day of work is over! While it wasn't incredibly hard, it was a bit overwhelming at times. I feel like I am so behind on all this information but since Congress isn't in session this week I have some time to get my bearings.

5:30 pm: I took the Metro to Union Station so I could drop off my application at Ebenezer's Coffeehouse. Luckily, they were taking applications and said they might be able to offer me a job. I am praying that I will get to work there at least 3 times a week making some money because I haven't really come up with a Plan B and plus it's a Christian coffee shop. What's not to love about that?

6:00 pm: On the way back to the Metro, I spill the latte I got from Ebenezer's on my white shirt. Classy.

6:13 pm: While trying to figure out a way to prevent said spill from staining said white shirt, I miss the stop for Metro Center and ride down 3 more stops before realizing it.

6:30 pm: Finally arrive back at apartment after doubling-back on the metro and almost losing my wallet.

6:47 pm: Headed over to student packaging services to pick up my boxes of stuff. Then I get there and realize I hadn't made a plan for getting them back to my dorm.

6:58 pm: After frantically calling 411, finally contact taxi service that will take me (and my boxes) back to my apartment for $10.50

7:15 pm: Get boxes in my apartment. Think about unpacking but then cook a pizza instead.

8:00 pm: Unpack all the useless stuff I probably won't need but want to have around so I feel more at home.

8:36 pm: Finally take a shower.

9:00 pm: Plop down on the couch with a pint of haagen-daaz (spelling?) to indulge in some horribly trashy television. I know, I am to smart for this, but nothing is more rewarding after a day cramming my head with information and politics then watching other people's pointless drama. It is then that I realize my life is actually not so bad and I am somewhat successful at life.

11:00 pm: Started writing this blog, talked to Alex & compared first day stories, then finished blog.

I hope you enjoyed the run down. I'll try to keep you posted if anything extremely interesting happens. Oh and, mom and dad, I promise to give you a call later this week ;-)

Stuff Liza Likes #1 - [Extra] Bold Coffee

2008-05-22T00:47:00.003-05:00

Once upon a time there was a girl who would only drink Mocha lattes and frappuccinos. Then, this girl when to college and realized she could no longer afford the $4.00 coffees every day so instead she started to just drink whatever the Baristas were roasting before she got there because it was only $1.68. Out of this serendipitous misfortune, the girl realized she had a penchant for a well-roasted bold coffee. Yes, in case you missed it, this girl was me.

I don't really remember when I first realized I enjoyed my coffee bold or extra bold, although I think I can pin it on the first time I came home and realized every cup of coffee I drank tasted like water. Nothing could measure up to a good cup of Sumatra from my corner Starbucks. So then I started to do a little online research and realized that most of my favorite roasts were considered "Bold". For those of you who have not been so daring (or who are just looking for a good cup of coffee) ask your baristas at Starbucks (yes I am sheltered and haven't figured out how this works at other fine coffee retailers) to brew you one of the following:

1. Sumatra - Extra Bold
2. French Roast - Extra Bold
3. Kenya - Bold
4. Gold Coast Blend - Extra Bold
5. Caffe Verona - Bold

Sometimes I have ordered a grande and have been given the entire carafe because they know that no one else is going to order it and it's better than just dumping it down the sink. Although, I think they charge you more to freshly brew the coffee. It's your choice - $4.00 for a milky whip-creamy thing that tastes more like a shake (and has 330 calories and 15 grams of fat) or $4.00 for an entire carafe of dreamy full-bodied coffee (15 calories and 0 grams of fat)? I'll take the coffee, straight-up and extra bold, if you please.

Fiscal Responsibility

2008-05-22T00:34:00.002-05:00

In the past few weeks or so I have been racking up the credit cards, mostly because I had to buy several suits and other things to prepare for my internship in D.C. that starts next Tuesday. As a result, I've been learning how to pay bills (on time), calculate FICO scores (myFico.com offers a free 30-day trial that's been really helpful), and figure out how much money a month I spend on different things ($46.00 at Starbucks in May...)

Since I've started tracking my actual expenditures I've realized I have poor money management skills. I guess because growing up money just seemed like this invisible entity and I never really saw it, I just knew we used the AMEX card. Now that I actually have my own cards and I have to PAY the bills, it's starting to hit a little bit closer to home. I'm definitely feeling some pain right now, but thankfully my mother took pity on me and gave me some money to start off in D.C. I'm a pretty lucky kid that my parents can bale me out whenever I get in over my head and that I am getting a few years as a trial run before I get out of college and have to do this all myself.

I got a new phone today! It's the new Sprint Rumor phone by LG in White (although, Sarah and I decided it was more of a "pearl" color - I think we should tell the advertising companies to change the name.) Then I got a hot pink snap on cover, which is super girly according to Alex. I think though my favorite part is the slide out full QWERTY keyboard. I can finally send a text in under 5 minutes! INCREDIBLE!

Other than that not a whole lot is going on. I am excited and nervous at the same time for D.C. because I still need to find a part time job and I haven't heard from my job about how to get to work and what time to be there on Tuesday. But I think it will be fun and I am looking forward to being back with a small group.

I still need to make the "Stuff Liza Likes" blog. It's going to happen. Maybe in 20 minutes. Because I have nothing to do and I have a bad case of insomnia.

Smith Mountain Lake & Summer

2008-05-18T21:13:00.003-05:00

This weekend I went with my friends Sarah and Drew to Virginia to stay with Drew's family on the lake (Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia). At first we were really worried that we would just have rain but then on Saturday it was sunny and beautiful so we were able to go out on the boat and jet ski. Being out on the lake made me realize how much I am going to miss spending summer in Tennessee cause my family usually goes to Percy Priest Lake every other weekend in the summer. [Although I'm not sure even if I was staying home we would go out on the lake, but I definitely miss those days]. Anyways, we had a ton of fun, I fell off the tube several times and got a mild-concussion / sun-burn but other than that everything was awesome. And Drew's aunt and uncle were so nice to us (I'm sure they were impressed that Drew rolled up with 3 girls).

I leave for Washington D.C. next Sunday and I have to be honest, it hasn't really hit me. The credit card bills have, though, unfortunately. I have exactly $15.00 until the end of the month. Hopefully though I can find some chores and stuff to do for some extra cash before I leave next weekend. I'm definitely excited to be in D.C. during an election summer but the financial situation of working full-time as an intern unpaid and a full time job at night is already making me nervous.

On a side note, the whole way back from Knoxville Sarah and I talked about relationships (past, present, possible future) and I started to get depressed. I realized that everyone I actually like or am attracted to are people who are totally wrong for me or just treat me poorly. I'm not really sure why I am attracted to these kind of guys, I suppose because they pose a challenge for me and I want to prove to myself that I am worth their attention or affection. I like playing hard to get as much as the next person but there comes a point where I just want to know that the person cares as much for me as I care for them, and it's been awhile since I have truly found that. I'm just wondering how many more fake relationships/dates I'm going to have to go through before I find something real. Maybe I should take Alex's advice and go learn an instrument (or how to apply make-up, since that seems to be a problem area for me).

Sorry this was so random. I just noticed I hadn't posted in awhile and you were probably wondering whether or not you should take me off your Live Bookmarks tab. I've decided to start a new feature, called "Stuff Liza Likes", inspired by Stuff White People Like (see sidebar). I started thinking the other day about how I usually just complain about things that bother me, so I wanted to start looking for things that I enjoy. Maybe I'll start tomorrow, with Bold Coffee. Hmm, this might require a field trip / tasting at Starbucks... I am liking where this is heading.

Tales of a Suburban Summer

2008-04-30T22:40:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness it is only a few more weeks. I am going to be sad to leave my family (since I see them so little as it is) but being back in the suburbs is almost more than I can bear. First off, there are no coffee shops (Cafe Ambrosia how I long for thee...) and I have no car so I must stay at home all day and clean, do laundry, cook, and (more often than not) catch up on the several novels I have yet to read. Every day is one step closer to becoming Julia Child, although at least she was a spy.

I figured out another problem with my writing habits. Whenever I want to write something, I don't have anything to write in or with. Then when I sit down to write I can never figure out how to express what it is I want to say. I decided I would spend a few tonight working on a draft of my story for the advanced creative fiction class I want to get into next fall, but instead I am sitting here rearranging my blog and typing utter nonsense. I think that if someone wanted to they could use this as a casebook example of my entire life.

Today while I was asphyxiating in my suburban monotony, I started to read Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I was first tempted to read the novel after seeing Serendipity a couple of years ago but never got around to it, until now. There are two major beefs I have with this novel. First of all, it is nearly a 400 page book and it has only 5 chapters. I really hate books with long chapters because you never feel like you can just set it down. So I have to trudge through 75 pages in one sitting which is a total nightmare if you are borderline-ADHD like me. Secondly, I don't understand why Marquez makes Florentino look like a saint for his almost psychotic infatuation with Fermina. If I was her, I would have freaked out and married a doctor too.

Which brings me to a new thought I have concerning dating and relationships in general. Is it really a good idea to show people how much you feel up front? My brother and I were discussing this today and he was saying how he hates when girls play hard to get because then he never knows if they like him or are just stringing him along. But I hate it when a guy lets me know that he is interested too quickly because it is so much more exciting when you don't know. I mean eventually I would want to know but not at first, not at the beginning. And I certainly wouldn't want him to sit outside my window serenading me with a waltz he had composed on the violin titled, "The Crowned Goddess". Woah. Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve.

The basic underpinning to this is, as much as I like watching "chick flicks"or reading about people falling in love, open displays of affection and love are awkward for me. Sometimes I feel fake when I tell someone "I love you". Not always, but sometimes. I feel like my other actions, such as spending time with that person or engaging in meaningful conversations should be enough to show that I do really care about them without all the physical formalities or me actually expressing "I love you". I never felt that I needed other people to say these things to me because I could tell enough from their body language and their actions if what they said really matched what they were feeling. It's the simplest way to know if someone cares. If they love you, they will call you to see how you are doing. They will drop everything if you come into the room just to talk. When you look like you are having a bad day they will say something to cheer you up or ask you to do something to divert your attention. Oftentimes in our society we just say "I love you" because it is so much easier and less time-consuming than showing it, which, sadly, really lowers the face value of those three words.

My First B

2008-04-25T23:43:00.003-05:00

I went to Wolverine Access today to check my grades and I finally made my first B. Well, if you want to get technical, it was a B+. But still, I was a little sad. Although I can't say I wasn't expecting it, since it was in French and I have been struggling in that class this semester. Everything else came out alright and I am still waiting to find out the outcome in History.

I really miss school, and I have only been home for 3 days, which is quite sad if you think about it. But in Ann Arbor I feel like I finally had a rhythm, a routine, something that has been lacking my life for some time now. I knew what was going on each day of the week, I knew where to find people if I wanted to hang out, I knew that no matter what time of the day it was, if I was hungry there was probably somewhere open and someone who would want to go (usually Alex). It's not that I don't like being around my family, its just that everything is different now and so I am forced to come up with a new routine and like most other people, I am a creature of habit and this is difficult for me.

I realized today how the late-night Wendy's and Pizza House have been taking a toll on my overall fitness. I went running today with my brother in Bowie Nature Park and I barely made it 1.5 miles before I started walking. Granted, it was 90 degrees and mostly uphill, but still, I was able to run the perimeter trail (4.8 miles) in February and now I can barely make it to the halfway point. I think I am going to dedicate the next few weeks to conquering that trail (and my burgeoning waistline).

Other than that I haven't been doing a whole lot except reading. I think I finally understand what Alex was talking to me about the other day of having a higher concept. Now I just need to come up with a good one. I think my gay-pride parade story might be a good one to start with but it still needs some work. With any luck, the A I made in 223 and a good short story could get me into the Advanced Creative Writing class with Peter Ho Davies. Although, then I would have to convince my mother into paying for my stay for an extra year....

They Call Me The Intimidator

2008-04-09T23:27:00.002-05:00

Alright, well not really. But they should.

Last night was our IM championship game in mini-soccer. We won and now are proud owners of the lovely baby blue championship t-shirt but in the process of said victory I accidentally broke the nose of a girl on the opposing team. If we had been losing I might have been slightly (although internally) rejoicing but since we were already up 8 points it seemed like I was just being a jerk. It was totally accidental though. It just seems that no matter who I am playing against in soccer, I always end up hurting someone. I like to attribute it to my big-girl build (hey, it's got to be good for something, right?)

I'm just now starting to hear back from D.C. offices on the status of my internships. So far I've been turned down by the National Legislative Archives and have an interview with the University of Michigan governmental office. I'm not sure what I will be doing there exactly but I am thinking it's a sure job since I am a UofM student and they love having students on staff. I'm still holding out for an internship with the congressional office I applied to, although I am thinking my chances are fairly slim.

Tonight at dinner I had an interesting conversation with Alex. Let's just say it ended with him drawing an anatomically incorrect labia with strawberry sauce on a napkin. Priceless, and somewhat disgusting at the same time.

Good to See You

2008-04-03T13:55:00.002-05:00

It's always a good feeling when you are thinking about someone and suddenly you see them and they give you this huge smile that lets you know they were thinking about you too.

=)

Internal Conflict

2008-04-02T20:51:00.005-05:00

For the past few hours I thought that this odd tight feeling in my chest was due to the immense amount of homework and papers I have due in the next week. But after a working on some assignments I am realizing that this feeling is caused by a much larger issue...

So today in my RA class (see previous posts) we had to separate in groups based on whether we considered ourselves white and non-white. Then we did this activity called "Fishbowl" where one group sat in the middle and talked while the other group sat on the outside and observed. Have you ever had one of those moments that is so powerful that you just know that from now on your life is going to be completely changed? I guess for me I always thought it would be cool to be a minority group because you are automatically a part of a community. But hearing my peers talk about cliques, class, and the struggle to succeed while being held back by other people in your group who want you to "remember your history" and not "act white-washed" was such an eye-opener for me. There's such a struggle there to fit into your "community" but even within that community there are huge differences as in the white community. Also I realized that oftentimes I come into class taking it for granted that the professor is going to listen to what I have to say but these students have to come in and professors automatically assume that they are only there because of affirmative action policies. Then one guy in my class said that for him he has such a conflict of identities because he is a black gay male, and in a community of hypermasculinity he is often confronted with homophobia from men that should be considered part of his community. Which leads me to wonder, does this sense of community really exist? Just because someone is white or black or gay or whatever... is that really all there is? I think we're just people who are different and this whole idea of community is fluid. I think it's possible a person could be a part of several communities and may not feel like they are a part of any of them.

I thought what was revealed by the white students was just as interesting as what was revealed by the minority students. After going round and round in discussion I think we finally hit on why we are all just avoid talking about race or thinking about race. I think for the most part, all of the students said that because white history is littered with oppression of so many different types of people we hate to tie ourselves to that history because then we would have a share of the guilt and the blame. I think someone said it really eloquently: "There isn't really any group that benefit from prejudice and oppression in the long run. Sure in the short run it might seem that way but there are always people in the group who feel responsible and guilty later even if they disagreed with it to begin with. So no one escapes feeling hurt the prejudice causes." Maybe white people are afraid to talk about race because they don't want to take responsibility. But I know in my case I am just so afraid that I will accidentally say something that will add on to the damage and hurt that's already been done.

Another point I brought up (which caused alot of tension, even though I had the best intentions by the statement) was how alot of times I have wished I was a part of a minority group just because I feel ashamed of being white. I guess when I first found out about slavery and the Civil War I just felt so guilty, like it was my fault. Then when I found out my family was German I was excited because I had a different, more interesting, heritage to cling to. Then came 5th grade history class and I learned that the Germans were responsible for murdering millions of Jews. Then I didn't want to be a part of that heritage either. And I think alot of white people feel that way. We do have backgrounds and heritage but their all rooted in oppressing other people so what good is that? But apparently this did not settle well with the other students because, as one student said, "Do you think I like have a heritage of always having to struggle for something?" Point taken. The thing is, it's good to remember your history. But let's try to leave the past in the past and make a new history. I just remember vividly I had this moment where I didn't see anyone but I just felt their presence as people (this might get corny), and I just though about how much of our human experience is influenced by our outside appearance. If I had been born a different race I am sure who I am would change drastically. But I think that realization that when it comes down to it we are all humans with human emotions is important to understanding each other.

Ok so. I know that was long. But I have more.

I've realized in the past week or so why I haven't had fun in college. I think I spend so much time just trying to find a group that I fit into that I tend to not be myself. It's like the only time I can be myself is when I am alone or with a couple of my close friends. I'm still so lost on who Liza is that I can't even find friends who I can be myself around. I mean the people I hang out with now on campus are all fantastic people. The main reason why I am friends with them is because they are the people I wish I could be. I wish I could be a strong Christian. I believe that God is out there, but having a relationship with the creator of the universe? Sounds intimidating. I can't even talk to the hot guy who is studying in the CLC across from me. How could I ever talk to the God of all creation? Not only that but I am a relationship avoider. And I had a self-epiphany today on why that is. I don't want to have any obligations to anyone and so I avoid relationships because then I would be accountable to that person. I would have to explain my feelings. I would have to stop being selfish. I would have to put that person above myself. And to be honest, as much as this self realization is hurtful and I want to change, I can't honestly say that I ever will. I want to have deep meaningful relationships but my will for self-preservation and my deep fear of vulnerability prevents me from having them.

Anyways I think I am done being deep and emotional now. Thanks for reading.

Gypsy

2008-03-15T21:48:00.005-05:00

I am sitting here waiting on my roomate from last year to give me a call so we can go out on the town for St.Patrick's day. Since last year I have definitely cut back on my partying ways but it seems that this weekend has been a little crazy. Last night I went bowling with some friends but afterwards I was in a weird mood so I met up with Sam and Yuan on Main Street where we had some dessert and martinis. I suppose they didn't card me because 1) I look over 21 and 2) If you're going to spend $16 on martinis then you deserve to be there. That was a pretty fun experience (fizzing pomegranate martinis are my new favorite drink, in case you want to buy me one for my real 21st) but afterwards I still didn't feel any better. Which lead to me to question why after almost an entire year at Michigan I still don't feel any better than I did at Drew. I mean, last year at this point my only thought was that once I was at Michigan life would be better. I would be happy, I would have a ton of girlfriends, and (hopefully) an amazingly smart and attractive boyfriend. But none of that has really happened. And I have to wonder if it's just me or if its just time to pick up and move again.

I don't know if moving would necessarily be the answer. Any time I feel out of place or unhappy I just move again. I'm not entirely sure if this gypsy wandering will ever really bring me to where I want to be or if it will just serve to make me more lost, but the past few nights I have been considering staying in DC for the fall semester for the Michigan in Washington program or going to France.

Its not that I am incapable of making friends. I think I am just more guarded than the average person. I'm not really sure what happened to make me become this way, because I know I was like this well before I started dating Jeff. I've just never trusted people in general, and I think I am terrified that they are just going to let me down or that I will become an "inconvenience" or something which is totally stupid because I think in general people enjoy my company. Maybe because I feel this way I don't act like myself around other people. On Friday, Ricki told me that I had two personalities. He said when I was at work I was crazy and fun to be around and laughed a lot but when he saw me around I always looks upset or sad. I thought that was an interesting (and accurate) observation.

Anyways. Enough about that.

I had to turn in my first scene of my play this week. I tried to be funny... I don't think I am good at doing funny but I think it turned out alright. I tried to write a parody on the debate on whether or not a national health care program would cover smokers. In my play the national health care program decides not to cover people who eat meat... Alex said I should make it a society that didn't allow people to have sex but when I tried to write out the dialogue to that scene I realized how incredibly embarrassed I would be to have it work shopped in class. Maybe some other time, Sasha. I''m not sure how to upload files onto this thing but if I find a way I will upload it so you can have a read.

Also, I am pretty much set on going to D.C. this summer. I thought for awhile about doing LT through my church but I don't know if I am ready for that just yet. I think my phobia to relational commitments has transcended human relationships. I think God understands. Hopefully, even though I am applying for internships rather late, I will get a job offer. I think I am pretty much guaranteed a job at the UofM lobbying office in DC which could be fun, but I'm hoping I'll get one of the foreign policy jobs I am applying for. Maybe I will also find a guy who aspires to be a famous politician... but then again, maybe I don't want to date the next Elliot Spitzer.

**Side Note for My Social Psych Class**
Today I went to Asian Legend with Sam and Yuan, and the waiter gave me a fork and knife "just in case". I think it was really because he assumed I couldn't use chopsticks but it gave Sam and Yuan a laugh at my expense, especially when I tried rather awkwardly with my chopsticks to eat two potstickers at once. =]

Succesful Jean Shopping

2008-03-09T16:52:00.002-05:00

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that the one thing I absolutely HATE to shop for is jeans (a close second is shopping for formal wear but that doesn't occur nearly as often). Today I went to the mall in search of a pair of jeans, expecting it to take me a good 3 to 4 hours, but I managed to find a pair that was 1) on sale, 2) favorite style, and 3) a size smaller than I usually buy. 1 alone would have been enough to have my jumping for joy, since the past two times I have been shopping for jeans I have spent close to $90 on one pair. But I think I was most excited about the size. Since eleventh grade I have wavered consistently at a size 12/14. This was the summer after my strange strep epidemic that left me 30 pounds heavier and has been a pain in the butt to work off. The last time I was wearing a size 10 was when I was a sophomore, so this was pretty exciting (I know, not a huge size difference but still, it makes me optimistic).

I know this was not a heavily intellectual post, so sorry if I wasted your time. But if you had nearly the trouble I have had with jean shopping (i.e. almost having an emotional breakdown at the Buckle) you would understand =]

A Little Clarification

2008-02-18T20:49:00.003-06:00

I suppose after my first blog, "Social Identity", I may have left some readers with the wrong impression. I understand that as a white person (or European-American) in society that I have been given several privileges, some of which I have only recently become aware of. For example, the other day I was at the mall waiting in line to buy a dress and the cashier ignored the Asian girl standing in front of me. I had to point out to her that the other girl had been waiting in line before me. I don't know if she consciously had decided to serve me first or if she just hadn't noticed the other girl but either way, I think this could definitely qualify as one situation where I was given the benefit of "white privilege".

While I do understand that racism is very pervasive in our society, I am also afraid that by creating these collectivist groups centered on racial or ethnic pride that we may very well be perpetuating the things we are fighting against. Furthermore, I sometimes wonder if it is fair that other people get to celebrate their heritage but I am unable to celebrate mine without seeming like some kind of xenophobic bigot. I think the point of accepting different ethnicities is in accepting everyone's ethnicity. Maybe that is too much of an idealistic goal but I think that we will have to work together to break down stereotypes, and part of the way we do that is by fostering inter-group dialogue. How can we understand another group's culture if we never talk about it? If we constantly live in a hypersensitive society, we will never learn how to reconcile our differences or realize our similarities.

Although I hate UROP, I sometimes find really interesting things that make the project almost worth the several hours I put into it. This past week I found an interesting video made by Will.I.Am of the Black-Eyed Peas that uses clips from Senator Obama's New Hampshire speech. I think my favorite part of the entire video is when John Legend sings in accompaniment to Obama:

"We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. They will only grow louder and more dissonant. We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about our hope."
[emphasis added]

I think this is a fantastic message, and one of the many reasons I hope Senator Obama wins the Democratic nominee for President.

I Hate UROP (And Other Non-Epiphanies)

2008-02-17T00:11:00.004-06:00

I have spent the last 4 hours in the CLC working on my UROP project. It's not that my project isn't interesting. Finding out what songs Millard Fillmore used for his Presidential Campaign really gets me going. No, it's not the lack of interest. It's the lack of actual work that needs to be done. First of all, most of the songs that I need to get to are located in a collection in the Clements Library. In order to look at this sheet music I have to come between the hours of 1-4 in the afternoon, and I usually have class. I have tried to find some of these songs online but due to copyright laws I can't find any of the lyrics. So I usually spend about 45 to 50 minutes doing actual work and the rest of the time I fiddle around on Youtube and Barely Political finding funny music videos for the 2008 elections, which is way more interesting than Fillmore. Maybe one day I can be like Alex's friend from Stanford who gets people to pay for her to talk about rocks. Except I can talk about Presidential Campaign Songs. I don't think there are to many people out there studying it since I can find NO resources on the topic.

I had this really strange dream last night that my dog came to visit me for a week and I was so busy with exams and writing papers that I forgot to feed her and she died. It was a really depressing dream. It's after I have dreams like that that I wish I wasn't such a vivid dreamer. But, as I recalled this dream at breakfast over a vanilla-cinnamon bagel I thought maybe God was trying to send me a message that I was neglecting something. I am not sure if it is my family, my friends, myself, or my relationship with him. Things like that are too complex to think about over bagels.

Social Identity

2008-02-12T22:27:00.000-06:00

The one thing I hate the most about University of Michigan (besides the freakishly cold winters) is that they only provide need based financial aid. According to the government, my family does not fall into this "need-based" category, so I am left paying the $40,000 yearly tuition. So, thinking I would try to save some money I decided to apply to be a Resident Adviser. I got in, but now I have to take this Psychology class on Social Identity.

Taking this class has made me realize one thing. First off, prior to coming to college I have had limited to no experience with people of a different ethnicity than my own. I suppose since I grew up in the little white bubble of Fairview, Tennessee that it was easy for me to pretend racism didn't exist. How could it? Everyone there looked just like me. So now when I have to read all of these articles about "white oppression" I get angry. I can't consciously remember a time when I have said or done something racist. But I sure can remember several times when me being white has affected my chances at getting into school, getting an internship, or receiving a scholarship. How come there are no articles about that? And why do I get labeled "white" when everyone else gets cool hyphenated names like "Asian-American" or "African-American". From now on, I want to be known as "European-American", not white.

I think I have figured out what I am going to do this summer if the internship opportunity in D.C. falls through. There are two options. Option 1 is to go to Leadership Training for New Life. I think this could be a fun trip but would leave me in some debt at the end of the summer. Option 2 is to spend the summer building a writing portfolio of short stories for the Oleander Review and the Hopwood Awards next summer, and possibly sending some out for scholarships. And I could work part-time at Starbucks or Borders. I am thinking Option 2 sounds like a better idea right now, mainly because I am broke and I think my dad would like to have a girl living in the house again.